I survived.. attempted suicide.

On Friday, the 8th of Janurary - three weeks ago, I attempted suicide.
I left work, I texted my mom and told her that I was going to overdose... and I did.
I went to Slater park, parked in the back of a parking lot, and took handfuls of medications.
My mom, Justin, my gramma, my boss Jamie, and my friend at work Nannett reached out to me. I ended up answering Nannett's call and telling her where I was. My heart had begun racing already. Police came and they threatened to break my windows to get to me. But I opened my door and I just fell to the ground crying hysterically. I kept saying I just wanted to die. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I couldn't breathe and my muscles ended up tensing up so severely that I was stuck in a crumpled position - and it hurt extremely bad. In the waiting room I was screaming and begging for someone to come stay with me, I was paralyzed with my knees bent together and my arms and wrists folded against my body. I was having severe panic attacks - but nobody would listen to me. Everyone ignored me.
Eventually they gave me some pain medication which helped me relax and start falling in and out of sleep. My mom, Justin, my brother, and my gramma all came to the hospital soon after that. But I don't remember my mom or Brian being there, I'm not sure why. Justin said I was in and out of sleep so that's probably it.
Anyway - I survived. I ended up being on 24 hour watch in an isolated room for 3 days and then being sent to Butler for 5 days. After that I had to do the out-patient program for 7 days. I'm on some new medication and so far it hasn't been helpful.
I've been back to work since yesterday. I'm glad to be back at work.
I'm not happy or proud that any of this happened, that my depression had taken me to this point.
But at the same time I feel like it was meant to happen in a way - because now my family has been much more supportive of me and it seems that they finally see how much I'm truly struggling inside. My mom and gramma got together and put together money for Justin, the kids, and myself to get an apartment. We had the electricity turned on, the oil delivered, and some furniture delivered today. Tomorrow we're going to start moving more of our stuff in and hopefully getting internet.
So... a LOT has been going on....
OH and Liz scheduled a FaceTime visit with me for last Sunday... yep.. that didn't happen. She ended up texted me Sunday morning and telling me that she was at her mothers house and that she would FaceTime call me later that night but she never did contact me at all.
Tonight I texted her telling her I was concerned.. she told me that one of the twins (Crawford) needs his appendix removed, that she got siock with a cold and lost her voice, and that life has been hectic... so yeah. I understand life gets hectic and busy but a text takes all of 5 seconds. A simple text would have sufficed.
Gah. Idk... I feel guilty because I know that I have so much to be thankful for... but the pain and stress inside has been so overwhelming. It feels like it's attached to my soul and idk how to detach it.

Hopefully this apartment will be the change I need.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! 2016!

Happy New year!!!! 

It's 2016!!! I am hoping that this year will be 100% different than last year. I am going to do my best to remain motivated to achieve my goals and to get a better footing in life for my family. I am going to do whatever I can to get educated on what I would have to do to open a home daycare and take the necessary steps to achieving that goal!! 

2015 Ended decently. 

Things are "looking up" at the moment. For the first time EVER my mom is actually acting like a MOM. In 2015 she became a person that I never knew she could be. When I got very depressed on Thanksgiving and I couldn't function because I missed my meds my mom was there for me. She let me vent, she hugged me, she was calling herself mommy, she comforted me and helped calm me, and then she took me home and let me rest while she cared for my kids. It was an incredible moment for me because she's never been that mom to me previously. I don't remember a single moment in our past together that she was ever that motherly... and she's continued this by telling me often that she cares about me. It's strange but I'm welcoming it and hoping that it continues into 2016. 

Also, my sister is actually interacting with me again. We text sometimes, call one another, we hang out and play games, and she actually invites me to go hang out with her. It's a HUGE difference in my life. My sister and I haven't talked in years... nevermind have gotten along. I also hope this continues and strengthened into 2016. 

Justin and I are at the strongest place in our relationship that I could ever imagine. We are so devoted to one another and we love each other so purely. I am so blessed to have him in my life. We get along with such ease, he's so comforting to me, we have fun with each other all the time, we love each others company, he accepts me and I accept him for exactly who we are, we help each other learn and grow, we motivate and encourage one another.... I couldn't ask for a better man to be married to.

And Tom and I have the strongest most amazingly pure friendship that I could ever ever imagine in my entire life. We are so in tune with one another. It's literally like we are 1 soul dwelling in 2 bodies. We have figured out a place of expectations where we both feel comfortable and safe where we are at. It's an incredible thing and I am so extremely lucky and blessed to have not only have him in my life but that I found him to begin with. 

I really want to work on my parenting this year. I want to stop yelling and really work on connecting and empathizing with my children. I want to understand my children on a basic understanding of what they are developmentally appropriately ready for... I want to work with them instead of against them. I want to observe, acknowledge emotion, and give them the tools they need to solve problems and handle difficult emotion. I want to be the mom that I didn't have as a child that I needed in my life - for my children. My children are incredible and I am so blessed that they chose me as their mom and came to inhabit my body for me to birth and raise throughout this life. 

I know that I am behind in posts... I am not going to bring up too much of the past. What has happened, happened and nothing can change that. I didn't record it or write it down but it wasn't really positive stuff so I'm just going to let it go and move forward in 2016!