I survived.. attempted suicide.

On Friday, the 8th of Janurary - three weeks ago, I attempted suicide.
I left work, I texted my mom and told her that I was going to overdose... and I did.
I went to Slater park, parked in the back of a parking lot, and took handfuls of medications.
My mom, Justin, my gramma, my boss Jamie, and my friend at work Nannett reached out to me. I ended up answering Nannett's call and telling her where I was. My heart had begun racing already. Police came and they threatened to break my windows to get to me. But I opened my door and I just fell to the ground crying hysterically. I kept saying I just wanted to die. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital. I couldn't breathe and my muscles ended up tensing up so severely that I was stuck in a crumpled position - and it hurt extremely bad. In the waiting room I was screaming and begging for someone to come stay with me, I was paralyzed with my knees bent together and my arms and wrists folded against my body. I was having severe panic attacks - but nobody would listen to me. Everyone ignored me.
Eventually they gave me some pain medication which helped me relax and start falling in and out of sleep. My mom, Justin, my brother, and my gramma all came to the hospital soon after that. But I don't remember my mom or Brian being there, I'm not sure why. Justin said I was in and out of sleep so that's probably it.
Anyway - I survived. I ended up being on 24 hour watch in an isolated room for 3 days and then being sent to Butler for 5 days. After that I had to do the out-patient program for 7 days. I'm on some new medication and so far it hasn't been helpful.
I've been back to work since yesterday. I'm glad to be back at work.
I'm not happy or proud that any of this happened, that my depression had taken me to this point.
But at the same time I feel like it was meant to happen in a way - because now my family has been much more supportive of me and it seems that they finally see how much I'm truly struggling inside. My mom and gramma got together and put together money for Justin, the kids, and myself to get an apartment. We had the electricity turned on, the oil delivered, and some furniture delivered today. Tomorrow we're going to start moving more of our stuff in and hopefully getting internet.
So... a LOT has been going on....
OH and Liz scheduled a FaceTime visit with me for last Sunday... yep.. that didn't happen. She ended up texted me Sunday morning and telling me that she was at her mothers house and that she would FaceTime call me later that night but she never did contact me at all.
Tonight I texted her telling her I was concerned.. she told me that one of the twins (Crawford) needs his appendix removed, that she got siock with a cold and lost her voice, and that life has been hectic... so yeah. I understand life gets hectic and busy but a text takes all of 5 seconds. A simple text would have sufficed.
Gah. Idk... I feel guilty because I know that I have so much to be thankful for... but the pain and stress inside has been so overwhelming. It feels like it's attached to my soul and idk how to detach it.

Hopefully this apartment will be the change I need.