New therapist and adoption trigger.

I am meeting a new therapist today. I'm really scared and afraid to open up to someone new. I fear they won't be as kind and understanding as Ericka. When I think of her I still feel sad because I really liked her and I miss her. With therapists I find it hard to not get attached to them in some way because I spill my heart out to them, my entire life story, you know? I open up to them in way that I don't open up to others in my life. I look to them for guidance, understanding, and healing. It's very intimate in its own sort of way. Mentally and emotionally intimate.
I was doing really well the past couple weeks. I was actually pretty proud of myself. I was very active with my children, I cleaned my house often, I was on top of everything that I needed to be. I changed my children's pediatrician over to the new one that I want so that we can stop vaccinations. Everything has been really great. I even started feeling "content" in a way with my adoption, feeling like I can't change it so I just have to accept it..... that is until a couple nights ago.
A couple nights ago I was watching Grey's Anatomy and there was an episode with a 20 year old girl who was expecting a baby and she had wanted to keep her baby but she had no support of any kind - not financially, mentally, emotionally, nothing. And her father gave her support and told her he would help her keep her baby before he tore it away and told her she couldn't be a good mom, she couldn't even learn. I couldn't handle it. I ended up shutting it off; I couldn't even finish watching it. It was so extremely triggering to me.
I ended up taking to Facebook last night and writing this up:

*I HAVE TAGGED EVERYONE I COULD FIT TO TAG THAT IS ON MY FRIENDLIST SO EVERYONE CAN READ AND DECIDE TO KEEP ME AS A FRIEND OR DELETE ME. ALL ARGUMENTS WILL BE DELETED*

INFANT Adoption agencies prey on young, usually poor/resourceless women who have no emotional/financial support so that they can take the baby and sell it to an infertile couple for up to $50,000 profiting tens of thousands while the mother goes home empty handed no better off than before entering a hospital - actually worse off, most go home and experience severe nightmares, hallucinations, and fall into the worst suicidal depression imaginable.
http://www.originscanada.org/…/adoption-trauma-the-damage-…/
Since my son was adopted 5 years ago I have struggled severely with PTSD, hearing a baby cry when none is around, waking up in severe night sweats panting or searching for a baby that is nowhere to be found, I go into psychosis and have needed to be hospitalized 5 times in the past 5 years alone, I have attempted suicide due to the pain and struggle of others not understanding and telling me to get over it, let it go, he's not mine etc.
When I first contacted an agency it was because my mom and I got into a huge fight and she kicked me out after calling me names like whore, etc. I had nowhere to go and nobody to depend on.
I was 20 and already had a daughter who of which my mom kept from me. I was afraid and alone and I moved in with a friend. I couldn't get hired anywhere due to being pregnant. I tried so hard to get a job and to make money to support myself and my son but nobody would hire me or help me.
I contacted an agency through tears and instead of asking "is this what you'd truly want?" I was told that I was undeserving of my son, that others with more money could provide a better life than I ever could think to because I was poor, that a GOOD mom would give up her baby and that I would be selfish to keep him, among a lot of other things to make me feel worthless or worthy of keeping and parenting my son.
For the weeks following I was contacted repeatedly by the agency to tell me that I would be a savior to give up my baby and that there was a couple lined up to adopt him - they set up a phone call where the couple was on the line listening in and they started talking to me, the woman was crying telling me I was a miracle and that I was saving her.
After the call ended I was told that if I tried to keep my son the agency would sue me for the deposit the couple had given them which was tens of thousands of dollars and that they would get DCYF involved to take my daughter too since in their opinion I was too emotionally unstable.
I was even more afraid and I felt I had zero choices at all - ironic that the agency was called A Birth Mothers Choice.
I found adoption support groups online and found out that I am not alone, that this happens to millions of mothers every year, all who have lost their child to adoption as well. It wasn't just a single corrupt agency - it's how they get their babies to make billions of dollars yearly.
I was promised an open adoption, that my son would know me, that I would be in his life and be family. I was promised that I would get yearly photo albums and that he would know who I was. Which is legally enforceable in RI but they illegally transferred the adoption through SC law when they got back down there (they live there) and they made our contract null and void. He is 5 and doesn't even know he is adopted. Legally they can close the adoption and I have no leg to stand on, there is nothing I can do.
After I gave birth, in the hospital I only got 3 hours with him holding him, before the adoptive couple came in and took him from me and acted like I had died and didn't exist. I went back to my recovery room alone to cry as everyone on the hospital floor ignored me. This all happened before I even signed termination of my parental rights. Legally he was still mine yet I somehow had no decision making over him or to even be able to spend time with him alone. The hospital supported them instead of me.

Many people believe that it is the right thing to do and that I was undeserving of my son, simple for being young and poor. I was RAPED but in their opinion that is no excuse for an unexpected pregnancy. It doesn't matter what I went through. Apparently, anyone that is poor just doesn't deserve their own child after birth. They do believe that adoptive couples are more deserving simply for having more money. I ask these people to delete me because it is far too triggering to me to know that you feel that what I have gone through and experienced is OK so that others could take my child.

I live every day without one of my children. You can not imagine what that is like unless you do it too. I don't even have a grave to lay at, nowhere to feel am in his presence. He is out there in the world - without me. And yes, he may be thriving and I am happy for that, but he could have done that with me. I was weak, I was pathetic and I let people break me down and I feel anger at myself all the time for that. But I give myself grace because I was hormonal, pregnant, or I had just given birth and was on a ton of pain medication. I was not in my right state of mind and everyone took advantage of that. I was sexually raped and then I was mentally and emotionally raped is how I feel about it.

And I AM NOT ALONE. I know hundreds of women who have gone through VERY similar situations and stories as mine. And it is not right. It is fucked up.

I have 3 children and yet only 2. I have 3 children yet only was allowed to name 2. I have 3 children yet when people ask I must tell them 2. I hate this. I hate all of it.

Adoption has fucked me up, torn me apart from my very core. And if you think that is beautiful - leave my life. Leave it now. Because being destroyed is not beautiful.

I got a lot of support, understanding, and compassion in the comments to my post. Many of the people on my friendslist aren't people I truly know - they're intactivists, human rights activists, or other mothers of adoption loss. They're people who strongly believe in the same things I do. I like having them on my friends list because I feel like I am not so alone, that others think and feel the same as I do, that I am not some strange freak of nature. And quite a few of them I've become pretty good friends with. 

We will see....

Gah I am in such a bad mood.
Justin and I got in an argument today IN PUBLIC while we were on our walk with the kids and the dogs around the block. It was stupid but basically it was because of his attitude and demeanor and I just couldn't handle it. I suggested something for dinner and instead of responding to me or telling me his thoughts he got all grumpy and pissy. And eventually that pissed me off and I suggested pizza but he kept screwing the order up too and he was shouting at me while the pizza guy was on the phone. I told him to hang up because it was so embarrassing.
Later on after we got home, Noel came in and asked me if I was still mad. I told him yes I was. He said,  "Because daddy yelled at you?" and I was like, "Oh so I'm not crazy? You thought so too?" And then said to Justin, "Funny how even a 2 year old noticed." Because he was claiming that he wasn't yelling or upset and that I was the one cranky.
When I get really upset and angry like I felt earlier I notice I want to "out" people, in a sense. I recognize that it's something my mom has always done to make herself feel better, I assume. A friend of mine messaged me one of her opinions that I highly disagree with and since I was already upset I wanted to "out" her - basically bitch about her and how big of a hypocrite she is. But I know that it would ruin our friendship and that's not something I really want to do and I acknowledge that she wasn't the reason I was angry, she just sort of stepped into my "warpath" so to speak. My anger wasn't directed at her but I felt like she was adding fuel to my fire, even though she didn't realize it. I don't want to be like my mom and I fought hard not to be.
That is until I saw a post about this woman I used to hang out with last year named Lucy, who I am no longer friends with for multiple reasons. The post was pretty much telling all intactivists to not believe anything she says because she is a liar and I fed right into it spilling all my hatred of her out onto the post. I "outted" her and told everyone on the post just how nasty she is. Which she truly is. She is the most vile person I've ever known. I tried to be friends with her but she is SUPER judgmental and super mean to people to their faces. She judges everyone that has children, besides herself. If you formula feed you don't deserve children, if you struggle with mental illness you don't deserve children, if you've been through abuse you don't deserve children, if you vaccinate you don't deserve children, if you don't buy all organic then you don't deserve children, if you use a child harness then you don't deserve children, and the list goes on and on and on for the things she judges for. She literally sticks her nose up and makes disgusting looks and very loudly announces that she has to get away from "shitty parents" so that they overhear. She is just super nasty.
Maybe I shouldn't have. I should have taken the higher road. Idk, I don't really care though either. I don't like her at all and others don't for the same reasons. Whatever.
But I feel like I semi succeeded and I wasn't exactly like my mom since I didn't ruin any of my current friendships/relationships. I was angry and upset and I got through it and acknowledged what my immediate thought path for my behavior was and I was able to focus on changing it to get a better desired result.
I'm not super proud but I'm glad I found enough power within myself to make a better choice for myself and my friendship.

In other news, Ericka left and I'm bummed out about it but I start a new therapist next week so... I guess we will see where that will leave/lead me. Idk if we will work out or connect but we will have to wait and see... I just hope that this new therapist doesn't add to my trauma and cause me even more fear with searching for a new therapist... :/
Idk, everything feels like a waiting game in my life right now - we will see, we will see, we will see.

Shattered glass.

I'm mourning.
I'm mourning my therapist.
I'm mourning my family.
I'm mourning this idea of what I thought life was/would be like.
When you're little they make it seem like one day you'll grow up and you'll get married, you'll have a home, and some kids, you'll have friends that come over and hang out a few times a week - they stop over without a call, just show up at your door and you all act like family. This was the dream I always had. You would sit with these people eating pizza and ice cream, while you watch a show on tv and rant about life. You would confide in each other and help one another babysit each others kids if the other needed a break or some time to spend with the partner and there would be no strings attached because you all care for one another.
But life isn't like this, it's all false. What we were led to believe was a huge lie.
Life is boring, life is lonely, life is dark, gloomy, and quite sad. Life is stressful and worrisome and most days I don't want to get through.
At least back when I had my family I had a semblance of this life I long for. Even though my mom is abusive and my siblings hate me and barely tolerate me - I had a place to go where I could just walk in and be with people. Where I felt like I had others around me that cared for me even if they didn't. And I miss it. I know it's more healthy for me to stay away from them but I miss the idea of that life that I long for. To just have people to be around and hang out with and call up and say, "hey want to catch lunch?" You know? Just anyone.... and I just don't have that and that hurts in my heart so much. I don't have anyone to call up and just play a game with or laugh with while playing a silly game... I don't have any of that at all.
Justin works all week and comes home tired, lately we've barely been spending any time together. I'm home with the kids all the time by myself all day long and most days Lailah doesn't even want to be here with me because she says I'm boring and when she's with her dad he brings her places. I'm too poor for that type of life so... I can't give her the happiness she seeks.
I feel so worthless. I feel so utterly worthless. I'm like a bump on a log that sit's around and does nothing and potentially floats down a river doing whatever is necessary on the log just floating along, making it through, and that's all I'm here for.
I try to make friends so hard and everyone makes excuses to not be around me. I'm more than broken I'm damaged to a point where nobody wants me. I'm shattered glass.