Shattered glass.

I'm mourning.
I'm mourning my therapist.
I'm mourning my family.
I'm mourning this idea of what I thought life was/would be like.
When you're little they make it seem like one day you'll grow up and you'll get married, you'll have a home, and some kids, you'll have friends that come over and hang out a few times a week - they stop over without a call, just show up at your door and you all act like family. This was the dream I always had. You would sit with these people eating pizza and ice cream, while you watch a show on tv and rant about life. You would confide in each other and help one another babysit each others kids if the other needed a break or some time to spend with the partner and there would be no strings attached because you all care for one another.
But life isn't like this, it's all false. What we were led to believe was a huge lie.
Life is boring, life is lonely, life is dark, gloomy, and quite sad. Life is stressful and worrisome and most days I don't want to get through.
At least back when I had my family I had a semblance of this life I long for. Even though my mom is abusive and my siblings hate me and barely tolerate me - I had a place to go where I could just walk in and be with people. Where I felt like I had others around me that cared for me even if they didn't. And I miss it. I know it's more healthy for me to stay away from them but I miss the idea of that life that I long for. To just have people to be around and hang out with and call up and say, "hey want to catch lunch?" You know? Just anyone.... and I just don't have that and that hurts in my heart so much. I don't have anyone to call up and just play a game with or laugh with while playing a silly game... I don't have any of that at all.
Justin works all week and comes home tired, lately we've barely been spending any time together. I'm home with the kids all the time by myself all day long and most days Lailah doesn't even want to be here with me because she says I'm boring and when she's with her dad he brings her places. I'm too poor for that type of life so... I can't give her the happiness she seeks.
I feel so worthless. I feel so utterly worthless. I'm like a bump on a log that sit's around and does nothing and potentially floats down a river doing whatever is necessary on the log just floating along, making it through, and that's all I'm here for.
I try to make friends so hard and everyone makes excuses to not be around me. I'm more than broken I'm damaged to a point where nobody wants me. I'm shattered glass.