Gah I am in such a bad mood.
Justin and I got in an argument today IN PUBLIC while we were on our walk with the kids and the dogs around the block. It was stupid but basically it was because of his attitude and demeanor and I just couldn't handle it. I suggested something for dinner and instead of responding to me or telling me his thoughts he got all grumpy and pissy. And eventually that pissed me off and I suggested pizza but he kept screwing the order up too and he was shouting at me while the pizza guy was on the phone. I told him to hang up because it was so embarrassing.
Later on after we got home, Noel came in and asked me if I was still mad. I told him yes I was. He said, "Because daddy yelled at you?" and I was like, "Oh so I'm not crazy? You thought so too?" And then said to Justin, "Funny how even a 2 year old noticed." Because he was claiming that he wasn't yelling or upset and that I was the one cranky.
When I get really upset and angry like I felt earlier I notice I want to "out" people, in a sense. I recognize that it's something my mom has always done to make herself feel better, I assume. A friend of mine messaged me one of her opinions that I highly disagree with and since I was already upset I wanted to "out" her - basically bitch about her and how big of a hypocrite she is. But I know that it would ruin our friendship and that's not something I really want to do and I acknowledge that she wasn't the reason I was angry, she just sort of stepped into my "warpath" so to speak. My anger wasn't directed at her but I felt like she was adding fuel to my fire, even though she didn't realize it. I don't want to be like my mom and I fought hard not to be.
That is until I saw a post about this woman I used to hang out with last year named Lucy, who I am no longer friends with for multiple reasons. The post was pretty much telling all intactivists to not believe anything she says because she is a liar and I fed right into it spilling all my hatred of her out onto the post. I "outted" her and told everyone on the post just how nasty she is. Which she truly is. She is the most vile person I've ever known. I tried to be friends with her but she is SUPER judgmental and super mean to people to their faces. She judges everyone that has children, besides herself. If you formula feed you don't deserve children, if you struggle with mental illness you don't deserve children, if you've been through abuse you don't deserve children, if you vaccinate you don't deserve children, if you don't buy all organic then you don't deserve children, if you use a child harness then you don't deserve children, and the list goes on and on and on for the things she judges for. She literally sticks her nose up and makes disgusting looks and very loudly announces that she has to get away from "shitty parents" so that they overhear. She is just super nasty.
Maybe I shouldn't have. I should have taken the higher road. Idk, I don't really care though either. I don't like her at all and others don't for the same reasons. Whatever.
But I feel like I semi succeeded and I wasn't exactly like my mom since I didn't ruin any of my current friendships/relationships. I was angry and upset and I got through it and acknowledged what my immediate thought path for my behavior was and I was able to focus on changing it to get a better desired result.
I'm not super proud but I'm glad I found enough power within myself to make a better choice for myself and my friendship.
In other news, Ericka left and I'm bummed out about it but I start a new therapist next week so... I guess we will see where that will leave/lead me. Idk if we will work out or connect but we will have to wait and see... I just hope that this new therapist doesn't add to my trauma and cause me even more fear with searching for a new therapist... :/
Idk, everything feels like a waiting game in my life right now - we will see, we will see, we will see.
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