Parental Self-Reflection Questions

Parenting from the Inside Out, Daniel J. Siegel, M.D, and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.
Page 146-147

What was it like growing up? Who was in your family?

Unfortunately, I don't remember too much, I don't think. My child hood I feel was average. I was spanked by my dad, my mom was around but wasn't involved very often. My dad spent a lot of time with me teaching me things like how to swim, ride a bike, he taught me about different animals, and to find shapes in the clouds. I had a swimming pool, a swingset, and a big yard that I played in often. I had a friend who lived a couple houses down who I hung out with often, we used to sit on the side of her house that had a strip of grass, catching crickets. We would sit and imagine for hours there. She also had a tire swing we played on, it's a surprise we never got hurt. Her dad was also very aggressive and he hit his kids with belts and such. I had a good amount of friends in elementary school but we grew apart as we got older. My dad got more aggressive the older I got since the more out of control I had gotten due to the injustice I saw in my family. I wasn't really rebellious but I didn't like when my parents would twist or change the rules to fit their wants or desires. I remember spending a lot of time in my room, outside, and cleaning the house for my mom (not because I wanted to). Idk..
My family consisted or my two siblings, my parents, and myself. We also always had a lot of pets since my mom bred dogs to sell. We had lots of different kinds of animals though, a bunny, cats, fish, a chinchilla, ferrets, a snake, turtles, iguanas, birds, and probably more that I don't even remember. Many died in the worst possible ways, I'm sure that traumatized me. Either that or they were taken and sold because my mom didn't like them or to punish us.



How did you get along with your parents early in your childhood? How did the relationship evolve throughout your youth and up until the present time?

I can't remember too much from early on. I think we had ok relationships but the older I got the more strenuous our relationships became. I don't really remember my mom much in my life at all. I remember her talking on the phone and doing dishes the majority of my childhood. I don't remember her ever doing anything with me as a child. My dad did things with me, he taught me a lot and had a lot of fun with me and my siblings. My mom often would instigate fights between my dad and I the older I got. My dad got more and more aggressive over the years. As a teenager I felt trapped. I hated my life. I hated my parents. I was very depressed. My mom was very mentally and emotionally harmful towards me. I remember her making harmful jokes and comments towards me and everyone laughing at me often. I was the brunt of every joke. I was often told to shut up and that I was stupid. As a teen I just wanted to escape. My dad physically beat on me a lot and my mom emotionally did and I hated life like that so I ran away a few times. I think the earliest age I remember being was 7 or 8 years old. I don't remember much at all before that.
Eventually, as an adult I called my dad out on his treatment of me when I was younger and he broke down, cried, and told me that he didn't know how to raise children, that he just was trying to do what he knew how in parenting. He told me that he wished he knew better so I forgive him. Now we have a decent relationship. He helps babysit if I need it, we go out to the beach, festivals, apple picking, pumpkin picking, etc together. We do a lot together with my kids now and I really enjoy it. I enjoy having him in my life. I feel he does it more out of a feeling of obligation rather than an actual connection to me but I'm mostly ok with that because at least he is still here in my life.
As for my mom, I tried for a long time with her but each year I've realized more and more how much I just hate the kind of person she is. I've realized she is a narcissist and that she can't be changed. She is who she is and she will always be nasty, manipulative, controlling, and mentally/emotionally abusive. She will always lose control of herself and become a very spiteful, angry, and cruel person. I cut contact with her back in April for the 2nd time in my adult life because of who she is as a person. I can't keep doing it with her - attempting a relationship when she'll keep turning around and purposely hurting me. It's too hurtful for me to keep going through that over and over again. She was "supposed" to love me and care for me but she can't. Not in the way that mothers really "should". Not in the way I feel I deserve, that every person and child deserves from their parent. My whole life I've had the thought toward her that, "I just want you to love me" and "I just want to be good enough for you". Because I feel she's never loved me and I've never been good enough for her. And both those things I now struggle with in my adult life even in other relationships. I feel like I can't be good enough and even though I know they love me I feel it's not enough. I hope to change that though with the self help I work on for myself. I hope to be able to let go of the pain from my childhood.



How did your relationship with your mother and father differ and how were they similar? Are there ways in which you try to be like, or try not to be like, each of your parents?

My dad was much more hands on than my mom was. He played with me, taught me things, tried to comfort me from time to time, I feel he really helped shape me into who I am today and not in negative ways for the most part. But my mom was nearly completely opposite. I don't remember her having much interaction with me at all in childhood. One of the only memories I have where she actually did something with me was when I was 5 years old and she colored with me. She's done more with her daycare children than she's ever done with me. I don't remember her ever being there to comfort me or help me through a difficult time ever. I don't remember her ever teaching me anything besides how to be mean to other people and other undesirable traits.
I try to be like my dad in the sense that he spent hands on time with me and my siblings and I want that for my children. I try to spend time with them, teach them new things, and tell them how much I love them often. My dad also taught me how to apologized by apologizing to me when he knew he had lost control and so that's something I also mimic as a parent to my children now.
I try not to be like my mom at all. I hate everything my mom is and I would never want to be anything like any part of her at all. She belittled me, she bullied me, she controlled me, she manipulated me, she made me hate myself and feel like complete shit all the time. She made me hate life. She made me doubt who I was and worry that I could never be good enough. I don't ever want my children to have to recover from childhood like I have had to.



Did you ever feel rejected or threatened by your parents? Were there other experiences you had that felt overwhelming or traumatizing in your life, during childhood or beyond? Do any of these experiences still feel very much alive? Do they continue to influence your life?

I instantly thought, "yes" and "all the time" about feeling rejected and/ or threatened by my parents. I felt very rejected by my mom and very threatened by my dad. When asked about the other experiences I remembered the time my first boyfriend had broken up with me. I was extremely emotionally overwhelmed. I was laying in bed screaming and crying for many many hours and nobody in my family cared to even check on me or be sure I ate, or anything at all. I was ignored by them to handle it on my own. Which I didn't very well at all. I don't really feel that any of those experiences are still alive in my present day life but I do think they influence my life in some ways. I do sometimes get overwhelmed easily and when I do I don't want anyone near or around me and I think that's because 1. I was isolated when I was emotionally overwhelmed and 2. I had to fear my dad when I was emotionally overwhelmed so it was safer to be alone. I think I still hold onto these coping mechanisms that no longer serve or benefit me in today's life. I also sometimes feel worried that my husband will leave me, lie to me, or hurt me in some way due to my experience in my first relationship.


How did your parents discipline you as a child? What impact did that have on your childhood, and how do you feel it affects your role as a parent now?

My mom sent me to my room to sit in there all day; or she gave me a lot of chores to do around the house. My dad spanked me which overtime became more and more aggressive as I tried to shield my bottom from being hit or tried flipping myself back over to prevent myself from being hit by him, which caused him to just hit me wherever, throw me, yank me by my hair, etc. I see memories in my head of him yanking me off my bed by my hair and sitting ontop of me as he hits my face into the floor - it was because I threw a milkshake when I was upset and angry, he was telling me to lick it up. I was a very timid child although very outgoing to people I trusted and felt safe with - I talked a lot and I looked for attention from anyone that would give it to me. I was afraid to get in trouble, I remember constantly getting this terrible rushing feeling whenever I was scared I was in trouble by someone. Eventually, within my family I started standing up for myself and against the injustices I noticed in my family - which only got me in more trouble obviously. I stopped really caring about myself. I remember around 13-15 I really hated myself and wanted to die. I remember writing suicide notes often and when my family would find them they would make fun of me, call me names, tell me to "stop being stupid", and that I was pathetic etc. "What are you gonna do? Kill yourself? yeah, real fuckin smart". It's playing in my head. As an adult I actually sometimes feel "glad" in a way that I went through what I did as a child in my family because it taught me exactly how I DON'T want to ever be. It showed me what to avoid. It made me feel ways in response to my parents parenting that I don't want to inflict on my children to feel. But I do struggle with things like feeling overwhelmed, feeling uncared about, feeling like I don't matter or I'm not important to my family, feeling triggered by my children, and yelling sometimes because of my childhood with my parents - especially my mom.



Do you recall your earliest separations from your parents? What was it like? Did you ever have prolonged separations from your parents?
I don't remember. I remember being at my grandmothers house sometimes, I remember playing with her barbies and her empty spice containers, I remember making chocolate chip cookies, helping her and my grandfather wash dishes, sitting with them at the dinner table to eat, and riding on the lawn mower with my grampa. I assume that I was with them often before my sister was born since I don't remember her ever being present and I don't have memories this young with my parents. I don't remember anything else besides the things I mentioned above, so I don't remember if I was upset about it at all. I also remember being a little older and being babysat by a woman and man around the block from us I believe we called them nana and papa or something like that. I don't remember anything that I did with them though, or anything emotional.



Did anyone significant in your life die during your childhood, or later in your life? What was that like for you at the time, and how does that loss affect you now?
My great grandmother died - I don't remember what age I was. I remember feeling sad but not too broken up about it. I also had a lot of pets that died as well. For some reason death hasn't really effected me too terribly. I've had an aunt and an uncle die in my teen years and I felt a little sad but nothing devastating though. I feel like I have an issue with processing death because I feel like I am not as sensitive to it as others are.



How did your parents communicate with you when you were happy and excited? Did they join with you in your enthusiasm? When you were distressed or unhappy as a child, what would happen? Did you father and mother respond differently to you during these emotional times? How?
Honestly, I don't remember how my parents reacted to me when I was excited or happy. I feel like I often was just ignored. I have no idea. But when it comes to me being distressed or unhappy I specifically remember being told to, "get over it." "get over yourself." "stop it or I'll give you something to cry about." and I was very often ignored in my room as I cried for long periods of time. My parents never came in to check on me or ask me if I was alright. My dad would sometimes come in after hitting me or beating on me to "check in" on me, he would tell me he had to and that he was sorry and didn't want to hurt me but felt he had to. My mom just ignored me all together.



Was there anyone else besides your parents in your childhood who took care of you? What was that relationship like for you? What happened to those individuals? What is it like for you when you let others take care of your child now?
I had a lot of therapists starting from when I was very young - I don't remember having much of a relationship with any of them. I had teachers in my life, most of them I became really close to and I was very sad moving onto the next grade without them. I remember when I was 5 and broke my leg, I was in kindergarten and I had a teacher come to my home and teach me, I remember that I got very close to her and I was very very hurt when she left and I didn't get to say goodbye or anything and I was devastated. I had a big sister from the big sister organization named Karen, she was in my life for about 5 years. I have missed her for a long time, I've even tried to find her multiple times but with no results. I grew very close to her and I feel like she was more of a mom to me than my own mom was. When I was about 10 I was hospitalized for about a year and I grew close to a couple of the nurses - Anna and Mary-Ellen, I was sad when I had to leave them as well. And when I was a teen I had a school therapist - Mrs. Cindy who I was very close to and I miss her as well. All of these people served a role in my life and then when the role was over they left.
I don't like having others care for my children. I don't often trust people at all. I always fear them being harmed by others or treated in ways that I don't feel would be beneficial for their well being. Lailah goes to her dads often and I get very anxious and I fight when them semi often because of how they care for children - they're very punitive and want complete control over children rather than guiding and allowing children to be their own people. I don't like that. I fear my children having to recover from their childhoods like I've had to.



If you had difficult times during your childhood, were there positive relationships in or outside of your home that you could depend on during those times? How do you feel those connections benefited you then, and how might they help you now?
Yes and no.... It's complicated. Nobody could physically help me. I had a therapist in my young teens who I was very close to, I had her personal number and I called her often after my dad would beat on me and I would run away. She always told me to go to a shelter, but I had no idea how to find one or what to do when I got there. She could never help me outside of that. Friends parents wouldn't take me in in fear of getting either a kidnapping charge or harboring a runaway charge. So, I always had to go back home and be physically, emotionally, and mentally harmed. But I believe that the therapy I received did help me grow into a better human being than I would have been otherwise. My sister and my brother weren't as lucky to have been considered as broken as I was by my mom to receive the amount of therapy that I had. They're still stuck under her rule with nothing.



How have your childhood experiences influenced your relationships with others as an adult? Do you find yourself trying not to behave in certain ways because of what happened to you as a child? Do you have patterns of behavior that you'd like to alter but have difficulty changing?
Oh yes. It was more noticeable, to myself, when I was a bit younger. Now I feel that who I am has sort of become who I am, its solidified in a sense. I find myself constantly afraid that people dislike me for whatever reasons, that if I talk to them they're tell me I'm stupid or to shut up like my family always had. I have feared being outgoing because I was hardcore shamed as a child for being outgoing - I remember making the sudden change to becoming very introverted. People didn't like me for who I was when I was a kid. They made me hate myself too.
As an adult I don't really recognize patterns of behavior I dislike that I would like to alter. I mean, I get touched out sometimes and I feel stressed sometimes and I yell from time to time, but I feel I do 100% better than my parents ever had. I'm proud of who I am and how far I have come.

Heavy situations.

A few things have happened that are quite heavy this past week. Around last Friday a situation happened where someone had screenshotted a status I made on fb about my mom ignoring Justin and Noel at the grocery store. My mom, being the immature narc she is, ended up messaging one of my fb friends who had commented on my post. My fb friend let me know that my mom said I had cut contact with her because Justin and are abusive. Yeah, we are the abusive ones. -.- The next day Moe also messaged my fb friend talking shit about me.

I had originally thought that only my dad and my cousins ex gf Isabella still had contact with my mom. So I asked Isabella who told me it wasn't her because she no longer sees any of them since breaking up with my cousin Mikey. So I had believed it was my dad and so I deleted him off my fb, blocked him, and didn't answer his calls for a few days. He then came over my house on Saturday night telling me it wasn't him and he was upset that I had deleted him. I told him Moe told me it was him. I really don't know,  I lied in attempt to find out his reaction to that to see if he was being truthful to me. He said he no longer even wants to talk to them after they would go out of their way to message my friends. He then asked to go with us the next day to a fall festival, which we went to and it was a lot of fun. 

I also realized afterwards that it could have been my moms friend from poker Anne-Marie. It was most likely her. But now my dad knows I am serious and that I won't tolerate any bullshit when it comes to my mom and her side of the family. 

In other news, today Scott, Lailah's dad sent me a ss from my mom where she made a fb post saying that 3 blood tests say she is pregnant... God,  I sure hope not. If she truly is I am hoping it's a tubal pregnancy - ectopic. Because she honestly would fuck another baby up too. That poor baby would have no chance. She doesn't even have anywhere to put another baby. My brother sleeps on the couch, my sister lives in the basement which floods constantly... and 3 step brothers share a bedroom. Honestly, nowhere for a baby. A baby deserves so so much better than a family like hers. I feel so sad for another life to be born to them. 

It's ironic too that 1. I haven't talked to her since April and she's supposedly having another baby after "losing" her oldest. And that 2. I have been considering trying for another baby soon and then she's supposedly pregnant. I'm not sure if I believe it but I feel sad if she is, only for the sake of another human being raised in the same world I was raised in with her. 

I think I am going to call maybe tomorrow to make an appt to have my Implanon removed to start TTC for next Summer. :) We will see. 

Stupid body memory.

My last post was nearly a month ago.
I've lost all interest doing many things that I have previously enjoyed doing. I am still on my medication so I am sure that it's not that. I don't have suicidal thoughts torturing me so it's not that bad. But I just have lost my drive to want to do much. I even missed the fall festival that I love to go to each year. I have not wanted to leave my bed, I have been sleeping as much as I can, and I don't leave the house. I've been easily agitated, frustrated, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to talk to friends or anyone really. I was wondering the other day why, why is this happening? What is wrong with me? And then it dawned on me that 6 years ago around this time is when I was raped and made to conceive Bennett. Apparently, my body remembers even though I consciously do not. I remember this happening last year too but I had forgotten until I had just remembered recently due to experiencing it again. I don't know. I am just going to wait it out and I am sure that things will improve again with time.