Proud moment.

Noel (3) just had his first difficult emotional struggle since we've ended breastfeeding. Day 2 of no nursing at all.
He cried a lot but he wasn't being harmful to anyone or anything.
I held him for a while and just let him cry. It was overwhelming for me but I knew that if I told him to stop crying, if I punished him, if I threatened him, if I got frustrated and screamed at him that I couldn't handle it (all things I truly impulsively wanted to do because of MY OWN emotional internal struggle) that he wouldn't be allowed or able to process his strong emotions, that he wouldn't be able to learn how to self regulate.
I put my own emotions aside so that I could help my son through this very difficult time I can only imagine he was having. We've had a long day out at the speedway and we woke up early this morning. I assume he must be tired and overstimulated from today.
Well anyhow, he cried, he cried a lot. For around 30-45 mins. And let me tell you, it was HARD for ME too.
I tried to talk to him, to comfort him because I KNEW he was hurting and I wanted to "fix", I wanted to "help". But then I remembered that the part of his brain that can process logic and that could hear me out was shut down, and the emotional part of his brain was currently in charge.
I stopped talking other than letting him know, "I am here for you. I love you very much." or to ask "is it ok if I rub your back?" or "do you want me to hold you?" Although, he didn't really "hear" those either.
I've found that holding my arms out and just offering support by body language was most beneficial and helpful. He went back and forth from my lap - being held/hugged/and rocked, to sitting/laying right next to me. When he was next to me, he didn't want to be touched or talked to at all, understandable. I know that sometimes when I'm really upset I don't want to be touched or talked to either - those in themselves can be much more triggering. Fair enough.
My husband tried to comfort our son by rubbing his back but Noel protested, shouting louder. I explained that sometimes people in general don't like to be touched. My husband reflected quickly and then understood. He then tried to talk to Noel but I explained that the logical part of his brain was turned off at this time and the best we could do was wait him out. My husband nodded. I could tell he felt similarly as I did - he just wanted to "help" and "fix". I guess that's just what we want to do as parents.
Noel finally started regulating back to his usual state - although, understandably still feeling upset, sad, and I would guess overwhelmed. Perfectly normal, I remember feeling those ways too after crying.
He then spoke. "Can I have your phone to play a game?"
I knew he was trying to find a coping skill - all on his own. He was looking for a way to self sooth without turning to milkies. He was asking for help ON HIS OWN.
I said gently, "I don't think that's a good idea right now, maybe later on when you feel calmer."
He understandably was upset again. He sat near me, the disappointment, frustration, and anger written on his face.
I empathized with his struggle.
I asked if he would like to color but he didn't.
I reached out to a friend, explained the situation and asked if she had ideas that could help.
I then saw a couple of Noel's toys laying near us. I had an idea.
I grabbed Noel's Catboy and Dragon that he LOVES so much and I started playing with them in front of him.
Then Noel pushed them both away, showing his frustration but I noticed something else as well. The light in his eyes.
I tried again.
He pushed them away again, this time playfully.
I dramatically pretended to have his toys soar through the air before crashing into the bed. He giggled.
I took catboy and I dodged Noel's punches as I had catboy tickle attack him. He laughed some more.
He then punched catboy over and over.
Some may think this encourages aggression but I disagree - it's a stuffed animal and I think it's great for him to let that energy out on a soft object rather than a person or hard object.
He then picked catboy up, turned to his daddy and said, "Daddy, will you play with me?"
Of course daddy played with him!
"tantrum" subsided, "tantrum" understood as extremely overwhelming and difficult emotions that HAD to be released, "tantrum" worked through positively for ALL of us.
I'm proud. I'm proud of him, I'm proud of me, I'm proud of my husband, I am proud of us ALL.
Parenting consciously, with empathy, respect for our little ones, gently, and patiently is HARD. But oh so, so so, very worth it.
#mommylifewithlaiandnoel

I'm still alive.

I'm angry. I am STILL so fucking angry.
I am angry at Tom, and hurt beyond belief.
I'm confused and lost.
Either he has always been this narcissistic abusive asshole and was REALLY good at hiding it, or I was just fucking stupid and I didn't recognize it, or ignored it, or idfk.
Or he changed, maybe I caused him to change.. he'd probably like me to believe that, so he can pin the blame on me. Probably why I even have that thought to blame myself, because that's what abusive pieces of shit do to people. They abuse them then make them feel like it's their own fault.
How did I overlook it?
To be honest, I always knew he was... strange for lack of better words.. that he was "different", that he had a sense of danger about him.. I guess that's why I always felt "important" to him, because he was never that cruel, harmful, angry person - toward me. I always felt like I meant something more to him, where he put that part of himself aside to be there for me and to love me. But apparently, I was wrong. People are who they are and they don't change or try to be a better version of themselves for anybody - not even their best friend or girlfriend, or anyone.
I miss him though, a lot. At least, who I always had.. who I thought he was. The person he was to me and for me. I miss that guy. I miss having someone to text at any time and always be responded to. I miss feeling like someone actually cared about understanding me. I miss someone digging in my head and forcing me to think deeper into things, while also offering other perspectives that I might have missed or overlooked. I miss the compliments he always gave me. Yet, all of it was exactly how he got in my head.
My boss recently did the same - hence why I quit.
She was very good at playing pretend, very good at giving compliments and making you feel good about yourself, very good at taking an interest in you and giving comforting words. But then turning around and showing you the nasty, vile, thoughtless side of herself. She claimed to me through text that I treat everyone like shit and that everyone in my life would leave me for it. I know that's not true and she doesn't even know me well enough to get in my head for my to actually believe that.
But Tom - he had that ability. But I stood strong. I stood my ground.
I refuse to let anyone treat me less than what I know I deserve. I determine my self worth - not him.
And although I've been trying really hard and that I made him leave and haven't talked to him since - he's really fucked with my head.
Sometimes I find myself questioning myself, sometimes I wonder if I really am the problem, sometimes I feel so extremely depressed and I question who I am, am I good am I bad? Sometimes I lose sight of who I am and who I aim to be one day. Sometimes I feel lonely and want my best friend back regardless of how he treats me.
But just like I don't want to go back to self harming, although, it feels so damn good.
I can't go back to him.
He's not healthy or safe for me. He's not what is good for me anymore.
But I miss him and I am allowed to miss him. I'm allowed to feel hurt and pain. I'm allowed to feel sad. And I do.
I've scheduled to attend the nearby mental health hospital partial program this upcoming Tuesday. I've been waiting for weeks. It's the best thing I know how to do for myself during a time like this.

And it's not just Tom. My uncle Jack passed away in January and I was literally the last person to see him alive, the last person to see him take a breath before vomit and mucus seeped out from his nose and mouth and forever left his body. It was hard and I miss him. But I am so glad that I was able to be there for him, tell him, and show him that I loved him and would always be thinking about him. If I weren't there, I know I would have regretted it every day, but I don't. I feel sort of at peace with it. I'm just happy he's not in pain anymore and, because he really truly was.

Then someone stole Silas, which I think I've posted about already but I miss him. A lot. I miss my "baby". I miss him cuddling up to me and him knowing when I was upset and needing loving. I miss how sweet he was and how he was always there for me. And now he's gone. It hurts, a lot.

And then my uncle Russ died.. a couple weeks ago. And I'm angry and hurt about it. I'm angry at myself for having not acknowledged the times he reached out to me, tried to be there for me, showed me love and support. I was so fucking young and stupid. I ignored his attempts at a relationship. He was an absolutely incredible man. He was intelligent, insightful, passionate, creative, kind, calm, patient, and loving - everything I am to be. I could have spent time learning from him. I could have picked his brain. I could have learned art from him. But I didn't. And I DO regret that. He was the ONLY family member on either side of my family who EVER mentioned Bennett and talked to me about him acknowledging that he is mine. He said, "I saw pictured of Bennett and they made me happy." I mattered to him, he tried showing me that, and I didn't let him in. And now I will regret that for the rest of my life.

So much loss. SO much pain.
I've been smoking a shit ton of weed, every night, just to get through this. It literally keeps me alive. When I light up - the pain is still there, but it's a billion times easier for me to process. It helps me cry, mourn, and talk about what, otherwise, feels trapped inside of me. It helps me regain control back over myself by offering me different perspectives I otherwise can not see because of my own hurt and trauma.

All I know is that I am doing the best I can. And I'm still alive.

Quit my job and went to six flags on weekend

I quit my job today. Way too much anxiety and too high of a risk.
I spent some time with my sister today and then went to the store to get more yarn and stuff I need with my sister and kids. We stopped at my moms for a bit but then left soon after because I have a headache and my face hurts from allergies.
Good news is that I got new furniture for my room and the kids, new bed sets, and things we really needed before I quit my job.
Things will probably get rough again, I have to remind myself that we can and will get through it, I've done it before and can do it again. It will be hard but worth it.
I need to stay positive and do the best I can to get through with what we have. I'm a good mom, I have an incredible husband, and we will figure it out.

The kids and I have some projects that we will be doing together soon - painting rocks, making a schedule, and making a chore chart.

Oh, in other news ! We went to Six Flags for Mother's day and it was a BLAST. SO much fun. The kids really enjoyed themselves. Noel went on some mini roller coasters. He LOVED it. LOL He definitely gets his liking of the thrill from me because Justin hates the thrill of rides haha. Lailah also loves roller coasters! She went on the sling shot with me and didn't even scream haha! I screamed so much and she was concerned about me, sweet thing <3

Angry because people are fucked

I feel angry. I am not sure why. I just feel extremely angry. Angry at people mostly.
How are people so unconscious?! How are they seemingly of less intelligence and compassion than animals?! I can't even understand.
Even worse, how are people even okay with that?!

I keep searching in life for people like me but I am finding that I am very alone.

Majority of people like living unconscious.
They like hurting others.
They enjoy making harmful decisions.
Nobody seems to even desire to want to do any of the work that can motivate change, positive, happy, healthy change.
I get it, change is hard... but what's even more hard is living unconscious and harmful.

Something is honestly fucked up with the world. Truly and sincerely fucked up.

Yet, here I am.

Life has been crazy.
Tom moved here and he turned out to not be who I thought he was. He instead is someone who I honestly feel I've never known or met before.
I kicked him out, he got arrested, then moved back to PA.

Two uncles of mine that I love - Uncle Jack and Uncle Russ have both passed away, and Silas was stolen.
I have a really good job, making really good money, but it's not something I truly want to be doing and it's something that has the potential to get me in trouble. But I know poverty, I've had more than just a taste of poverty in the past. My kids and I have gone without food, with stained and torn clothing, we washed clothing in the bathtub, and ate spaghetti every day, we know financial struggle, pain, and hunger. We know what it's like to have nothing. But now - all of that is gone.
I don't know what I want to do or where to go from here. Our culture and government make things extremely difficult.
College costs are sky high and you have to have a certain level of intelligence if you want to live decently. I am just not one of those people, I've tried.
I don't feel I have many choices in my life - I have contemplated if my life is already planned out and I just have to accept it and ride it out to wherever it leads. To just learn and to grow with everything life hands to me.
I keep thinking, "idk anymore", but the truth is that I have never known, I've never understood my life. This life - is unrecognizable. When I was younger I would have never ever assumed that this life would be mine.. but it is. If someone told me this would be my future I would have laughed. I would have told them that they're crazy... but yet here I am.

I am trying to focus on being the best person I can be, to learn, to grow, to evolve.. to take life with a grain of salt and just get through it the best I possibly feel I can. It's all I can do.