I'm still alive.

I'm angry. I am STILL so fucking angry.
I am angry at Tom, and hurt beyond belief.
I'm confused and lost.
Either he has always been this narcissistic abusive asshole and was REALLY good at hiding it, or I was just fucking stupid and I didn't recognize it, or ignored it, or idfk.
Or he changed, maybe I caused him to change.. he'd probably like me to believe that, so he can pin the blame on me. Probably why I even have that thought to blame myself, because that's what abusive pieces of shit do to people. They abuse them then make them feel like it's their own fault.
How did I overlook it?
To be honest, I always knew he was... strange for lack of better words.. that he was "different", that he had a sense of danger about him.. I guess that's why I always felt "important" to him, because he was never that cruel, harmful, angry person - toward me. I always felt like I meant something more to him, where he put that part of himself aside to be there for me and to love me. But apparently, I was wrong. People are who they are and they don't change or try to be a better version of themselves for anybody - not even their best friend or girlfriend, or anyone.
I miss him though, a lot. At least, who I always had.. who I thought he was. The person he was to me and for me. I miss that guy. I miss having someone to text at any time and always be responded to. I miss feeling like someone actually cared about understanding me. I miss someone digging in my head and forcing me to think deeper into things, while also offering other perspectives that I might have missed or overlooked. I miss the compliments he always gave me. Yet, all of it was exactly how he got in my head.
My boss recently did the same - hence why I quit.
She was very good at playing pretend, very good at giving compliments and making you feel good about yourself, very good at taking an interest in you and giving comforting words. But then turning around and showing you the nasty, vile, thoughtless side of herself. She claimed to me through text that I treat everyone like shit and that everyone in my life would leave me for it. I know that's not true and she doesn't even know me well enough to get in my head for my to actually believe that.
But Tom - he had that ability. But I stood strong. I stood my ground.
I refuse to let anyone treat me less than what I know I deserve. I determine my self worth - not him.
And although I've been trying really hard and that I made him leave and haven't talked to him since - he's really fucked with my head.
Sometimes I find myself questioning myself, sometimes I wonder if I really am the problem, sometimes I feel so extremely depressed and I question who I am, am I good am I bad? Sometimes I lose sight of who I am and who I aim to be one day. Sometimes I feel lonely and want my best friend back regardless of how he treats me.
But just like I don't want to go back to self harming, although, it feels so damn good.
I can't go back to him.
He's not healthy or safe for me. He's not what is good for me anymore.
But I miss him and I am allowed to miss him. I'm allowed to feel hurt and pain. I'm allowed to feel sad. And I do.
I've scheduled to attend the nearby mental health hospital partial program this upcoming Tuesday. I've been waiting for weeks. It's the best thing I know how to do for myself during a time like this.

And it's not just Tom. My uncle Jack passed away in January and I was literally the last person to see him alive, the last person to see him take a breath before vomit and mucus seeped out from his nose and mouth and forever left his body. It was hard and I miss him. But I am so glad that I was able to be there for him, tell him, and show him that I loved him and would always be thinking about him. If I weren't there, I know I would have regretted it every day, but I don't. I feel sort of at peace with it. I'm just happy he's not in pain anymore and, because he really truly was.

Then someone stole Silas, which I think I've posted about already but I miss him. A lot. I miss my "baby". I miss him cuddling up to me and him knowing when I was upset and needing loving. I miss how sweet he was and how he was always there for me. And now he's gone. It hurts, a lot.

And then my uncle Russ died.. a couple weeks ago. And I'm angry and hurt about it. I'm angry at myself for having not acknowledged the times he reached out to me, tried to be there for me, showed me love and support. I was so fucking young and stupid. I ignored his attempts at a relationship. He was an absolutely incredible man. He was intelligent, insightful, passionate, creative, kind, calm, patient, and loving - everything I am to be. I could have spent time learning from him. I could have picked his brain. I could have learned art from him. But I didn't. And I DO regret that. He was the ONLY family member on either side of my family who EVER mentioned Bennett and talked to me about him acknowledging that he is mine. He said, "I saw pictured of Bennett and they made me happy." I mattered to him, he tried showing me that, and I didn't let him in. And now I will regret that for the rest of my life.

So much loss. SO much pain.
I've been smoking a shit ton of weed, every night, just to get through this. It literally keeps me alive. When I light up - the pain is still there, but it's a billion times easier for me to process. It helps me cry, mourn, and talk about what, otherwise, feels trapped inside of me. It helps me regain control back over myself by offering me different perspectives I otherwise can not see because of my own hurt and trauma.

All I know is that I am doing the best I can. And I'm still alive.