Fractured?

Still pregnant - 37w3d and typing with one hand. :/
Thanksgiving came and went - it was nice. Enjoyed dinner with my family and Justin's as well. That is until I fell over Justin's Adad's family couch. It had this wooden platform thing around it, for whatever reason - and I didn't see it. Tripped, fell, and put my hands out to catch me. Sprained my wrist and possibly fractured my elbow. I am now in a cast and in pain. -.-
I'm going to an orthopedic on Weds.
I have a lot to say but only one hand to type with so hopefully I'll remember next time I post - with two hands.

Just lovely

Getting worn out mentally and emotionally

37 weeks

Today was my birthday. Well, Happy Birthday to me. I felt quite sad all day even though I didn't want to. I felt like I just couldn't control it. I wanted to feel happy but I just didn't. I feel mentally and emotionally drained about everything. One is the connection of this pregnancy and Bennett, next is that I just really want this little one out, then last is that my birthday just really doesn't matter to like - anyone.
I woke up this morning and took Lai to school - came home to find out that Jewel - moms Louisiana Leopard dog almost took Hermionie (shi tzu's) eye out. It was bulging out of her head. My mom had to take her to the vet and I stayed home babysitting the kids.
I felt like my entire birthday was completely ignored by everyone besides my online community -you know, the people I never see or hang out with personally. It made me feel sad.
We picked up Qetsi today. :) Which was the only thing I really did enjoy.

Yucky pic of me but super cute pic of Qetsi :)

(Edit: Add in - I also want to add that I got a card from Justin. The sweetest card ever. I want to add it here. It did make me happy as well and I did enjoy receiving it from him.)

 

"There are no words that can describe how much I love you.
You are my world, my heart, my everything.
We have begun an incredible journey together
and I will be by your side until the very end.
Everyday I wake up and I realize how lucky I am to have you in my life.
Everyday I want to make you happy,
and I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart and soul."

Lailah left today too which I'm sad about but I know it's what she really wants. Liz sent me a photo of Bennett and finally agreed to have a Facetime chat with me sometime next month - but we did not set up a date yet. She also wished me a Happy Thanksgiving and Birthday. Then I went to  the bathroom and had a huge clot of blood come out and had to go to triage. Blah.
At triage they told me that I wasn't actively bleeding that I'm still 3cms dilated and that she, "Could feel baby's head." Whatever that means. She estimates that I'll have little Penguin in the next couple days. Others estimate a week at the most. I don't know anymore, I don't know anything.
I'm home now.

He looks ridiculously like Lailah. :p Loveitttt.

37 weeks, happy birthday to me, new puppy - all tomorrow.

Sunday night I was at the hospital having contractions every 3-5 mins for hours straight. I thought I might be in labor but apparently not. I have read since that there is something called Prodromal Labor. It seems like real labor and acts like real labor but isn't real labor.
You know how they say "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - it must be a duck." Yeah, well when it comes to labor - that's bullshit. If it looks like labor, acts like labor, feels like labor - it could be meaningless and not labor at all. -.-
Since then I have had some strong contractions but nothing consistent and I've been losing my mucus plug over the last 3days as well - which is disgusting mind you. And I've been feeling awful. Woke up with runs yesterday, stomach aches, and now trapped gas and constipation. Lovely right?
As you can imagine I've been quite frustrated since, to say the least. I feel like crap. 37 weeks tomorrow. I'm losing faith that baby will come anytime even remotely soon. People keep telling me he or she can't stay in forever but he or she can stay in for another 3-5 weeks, that I do know.

I just want to have my little ones in my arms. I want to hold him or her, cuddle him or her, kiss him or her, feed him or her, - I just really want my baby. For so long I've just wanted to hold my baby.
I want to be out of this pain. I want to be done with being pregnant - at least for now and for another 5years.

Lailah is leaving tomorrow night to go to NC to see her dad - with his parents. I feel sad about it but I know it'll all be okay. It's what she wants and I like that she wants to make decisions for herself and that she wants to see her dad - since she rarely ever gets to.

Tomorrow I will be 24 years old. My mom is getting me a female chihuahua from her friend. :) Happy Birthday to me ! I get to pick her up tomorrow too. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

No paternity needed.

Went to my 36 week appt for the baby last Weds. I was still 2cms dilated but I've progressed in effacement to 75%. Then yesterday I went in and had a growth u/s done. Baby is estimating in at about 6lbs 9oz ! So crazy.
So Justin and I talked and we decided to try to get this little one to come out and meet us. We DTD last night and I've been waiting ever since. I have been having contractions about every 4-6 minutes all day. Nothing painful, they're not lasting long either, but they are a little crampy. So, I have no idea what this means. Not a clue. I don't know if they're doing anything to progress labor or if they're not. I don't feel like going into L&D to sit around for hours and possibly be sent home until I'm in pain anyways. So, here's to waiting. Just keep on waiting.

Some pictures of our little sweetie pie. :)

Isn't that incredible?!

Lailah told me today that she is scared about the baby coming and that she doesn't want him or her to come out. She wouldn't say anything else though. She wouldn't even look at me. I don't want her to be jealous of this baby and I hope that I can make all of this a good thing for her. I don't want her to hate her little brother or sister. Because of the pictures everyone is now guessing that baby is a boy - even Lailah. I think while she felt hope that she could be getting a sister then she was more excited about it but now - not so much. I feel bad and I just want this transition to go easier for her. I hope we can get through this.

Lailah was another reason we decided to try to sort of 'evict' baby. Because then she could meet little him or her and then on the night of the 27th she's going to be leaving with her dads parent to go visit her dad in NC. And I think it might give her a bit of time to sort of think about it and such and that that somehow might help her. Have a bit of personal time to herself after the baby arrives and to actually see him or her before going - that's my idea. 

I still haven't heard back from Liz... also haven't sent her another text yet. I will - eventually. Maybe after I send out the gifts. I crocheted them all hats. Bennett an Elmo hat, Liz a hat with attachable clip on flowers, and Nate a hat with the Clemson tigers sign on it. I'm really excited about it and I hope that they really like them. I'd love to see their reactions when they open them. 

I went and played Poker last night with my mom - she paid for me. I ended up making top 4 in which we all decided to split the cash and each walk away with $240 !! I gave my mom $20 for paying for me and then tipped the dealer $10. Today I went and bought a new REALLY nice camera ! :D I am so so so so excited to have it and to be able to take a billion pictures of this new little one who is on his or her way! :D 

My mom and I have been getting along pretty well and that makes me happy. It seems we might really be starting to form a relationship and a friendship. I feel like for once in my life she's started listening to me. I hope that it only continues to progress this way. I want my mom in my life if she can be a supportive and kind person. Who wouldn't?

Scott called today to talk to Lailah. My dad posted on his Facebook wall about how his daughter misses him - I'm sure he was an ass about it too (my dad that is). So Scott seems to be making a bit more of an effort. He used to not call at all but now he calls at least 2 times a month... It's not much but hey, it's more than before. I hope that she enjoys going to visit him this week. 

Well, that's all for now. :) And maybe - just maybe this baby may be on his/her way. Contractions every 5 mins or so. :) Let's hope!

Only 10 more days!

Currently 35weeks - going on 5days pregnant with baby #3. I can't believe I've held on this much longer since preterm labor at 31 weeks. Crazy. I'm happy though. I'd like to keep baby in for at least another 5 days. Or until the 27th which is 10 days - that's my birthday and also 37 weeks which is considered full term. :) I haven't been checked again for dilation or effacement so as far as I know I'm only 2cms still and 50% effaced. Probably more though now. At my last appt two Fridays ago I was told that I've gained 34 lbs - again, probably more now. I was told I should probably be more active. But I just feel like I can't. I'm so sore and tired all the time. My muscles cramp easily and my back hurts really really bad pretty often. :/ I'm not comfortable. I'm so thankful for my acid reflux meds because my acid reflux has been the worst and it makes it go away temporarily. Blah. Only 10 more days!! Then we can see what this little one is - a boy or a girl and I get to hold him and her in my arms and fall completely in love all over again. <3 I'm nervous but feeling ready to get this little one out!

On a different note.... Liz hasn't texted me back. Unfortunately. I know maybe she's busy and that's why she texted early this month and in the morning... but it just really makes me feel down and sad. I wish she could just answer me. How hard is it to just send a 10 second text? I'll never understand.
I've been feeling down lately and guilty about not knowing anything about Bennett's NICU stay. With this baby's birth approaching, I have been thinking a lot about my last labor and birth - and that was Bennett's. And I have no idea about his stay. I was made to sign TPR two days after he was born - then leave the hospital. I don't know what happened to him while he was there, if he had any surgeries, or how long he was even there for. And I hate myself for it. I truly feel as if I abandoned him. What kind of mother was I? I know I wanted what was best for him and at the time it killed me to walk away. I should have fought through it though and went to see him no matter what they said or felt. I should know these things about him! It makes me hurt inside and angry as well.

Nothing else going on in the world of me. Lounging around, crocheting, sleeping, eating.... bringing Lailah to school and picking her up, anddddd pretty much nothing else. Yeah, I'm lazy.

Well, until next time. :)

Is this real? Will it last?

This morning I woke up to a bunch of texts from Liz. It surprised me because for the past 2.5 years we've always texted each other at night - which seemed to have worked for us.
My hormones seemed to have me questioning the whole thing. Did she text me during the morning to avoid talking to me, did she text me early so that I wouldn't be waiting for her texts/ sending her texts around the 15th as usual? I felt that the game had been switched up for some reason and that there's something behind it all.
But then a friend of mine reminded me to just give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's been busy, maybe she really did think about me this morning, maybe with the baby coming she feels more secure, maybe she somehow knows I feel emotional and this is the way she feels she can help me, maybe she just wanted to be kind, maybe she knew she'd be busy and wouldn't be able to get back to me, who knows really though?
Yes, that's a lot of maybe's but I'm trying to just be grateful for her texts and the pictures and even the video she sent me. As a nmom it means so much to me, which is a mindfuck. It means so much to me to be able to see my own child who I created and birthed.

She said,"Good morning! Thought I would send you a few pictures of what we've been up to lately! Hope you are doing well! :)"
Then described each picture and said, "Have a wonderful weekend! <3"
I responded back this morning, "Awh, thank you! I really appreciate you thinking of me! That means so much to me. :) Bennett is precious as always! Can't believe how big he gets so fast! :) his little astronaut costume s too cute. Did he enjoy trick or treating? :) The video made me tear up! He's such a big boy and his little voice <3 I love it. Thank you so much for these. How are you and Nate? I hope you all are doing well and have an amazing weekend also! Also, I wanted to ask you if maybe you'd be interested in having another FaceTime visit sometime in December that might be good for you. I'm going to be sending gifts in a couple of weeks for Christmas and I'd love to see you open them if you're comfortable with that (early). I'm hoping you'll like them! I'd love to hear back from you. <3"


Here's to hoping some more. Hoping she'll respond and hoping she'll say yes.

He was an astronaut for Halloween. :) Year 2.

Hi !! :) I love this pic because he's looking
directly into the camera.

He likes apples too, just like his big sister!

I've got some apples! 

Eating lollipops with his cowboy bud. :)

Riding his bike around the house before bed
-I was told.

Just taking a stroll and thinking about some things. :p

Walking with another buddy.

Goodnight. :)

Made things how they are?

A different day - a new rant.
So today I was talking to my mom about Bennett and the adoption and everything seemed to be going okay and she seemed to really be listening to me. I was telling her what I went through in the hospital when she said,

"Well when your sister and I went to the hospital to visit Bennett before you signed anything -" 

(which I had no idea they went to visit, I wasn't told or notified which bothers me but whatever, can't undo the past)

"Your sister and I went to take pictures and Liz was bitchy and told us that she didn't have to let us take pictures of him - so your sister said to her, 'Uhm, my sister hasn't signed anything yet so you can shut the fuck up'. - And we took pictures anyway, she went quiet real quick." 

Now, I don't know how true this is because my mom is known to make up stories to make me dislike people more. - Either way it still hurts.
I have so many thoughts about it.
On the one hand if it is true - then Liz was taking right over Bennett while he was still technically MINE and I hadn't even signed TPR yet and I didn't even though my mom and sister were there - nevermind the aparents. And that hurts. Also, if it's true then is that the reason she took Bennett and took off without contacting me again for months? Without letting me see Bennett again or letting his sister meet him? Did she do it to spite me because my family was snobby to her and went against her 'wishes'? Is that why she told me I wasn't needed anymore and didn't care for my feelings? Because of them?
On the next hand if it's not true - why would my mom want to hurt me more, knowing I'm already hurting? What is she accomplishing by trying to make me dislike Bennetts mom more? Does she not like her and wants me to feel that way too? I mean - I know, I know - this is my mom we're talking about. She's always been hurtful and I should be used to it by now. She sometimes just wants me to hurt so she makes shit up.
But we were having a good convo I thought and it really hurt.
Tom suggested that my mom was trying to relate to me with adoption and the only way she knew how to do that was showing distaste towards Bennett's amom. But I hate that. It's not her business. She didn't help me with anything. And in this case then what she said more than likely is true, which means it's her and my sisters fault Liz and I had a really rough start that I had to make up for in order to get anything of my own child. - It sucks in all ways.

34 weeks pregnant. Third tri sucks.

I've hit 34 weeks. This is the week during my last pregnancy with Bennett that I ended up having him. 3 more weeks to go to reach my goal at 37 weeks.

Third trimester is the worst. I'm in so much pain. Nausea sometimes comes back some days and it sucks. I get headaches randomly. My SI joint pops and hurts really really bad. My back in general is in extreme pain. It hurts to walk around. My muscles are sore all the time. I get leg cramps which really suck. I have RLP almost all the time which isn't cool at all. So much fatigue - I'm tired all the time. I need at least 10 hrs of sleep. My stomach feels like it's ripping open and cream doesn't help. The babys movements are starting to hurt and I sometimes yelp and jump in surprise when I feel them. I struggle with doing ANYTHING, I can't bend over to pick things up, I have difficulty shaving in the shower, I have trouble getting on and off the bed, trying to reach into the washer machine is like hell because my belly is in the way and my arms are too short. >.<

Just ranting.

Nightmares of my past returning in a new way.

I just can't even handle this. As much as I love this baby all of my past is haunting me and reminding me why I couldn't keep Bennett and why I shouldn't keep this baby.
ATM I'm living with my mom. I finished school as a Medical Assistant and I was working full time as a host at a restaurant last year. I was unable to find a job as a MA without volunteering for weeks first - which I couldn't afford to do. I then found myself pregnant with my amazing boyfriend (he truly is amazing) - we DTD one time that month and woops, baby on the way. Well, we were living with my dad in one bedroom with my daughter and his 3 cats and filthy house - the only thing "clean" was my room" and every time I cleaned the kitchen he trashed it. His cats urinated everywhere and crapped and he wouldn't pick it up. My own father literally smelled and his stench lingered anywhere he went - it was disgusting.
My boyfriend works 38 hrs a week at Mcdonalds - He is working there and not at a better job due to his Amom blaming him for a crime he didn't commit and he was stuck in and out of jail and the court system for three years - which last Summer he won the case and case was cleared and he had a clean record. But unfortunately he was unable to get a good job with his names on the news and in the papers etc, also the fact he doesn't have a license or medical care (he needs glasses - he's practically blind).  He helps as much as he can but we can't afford an apartment or anything off of just his income.
Then I became high risk and had to take progesterone shots to help baby stay in and I continued working even though I was told not to and to take it easy -- Until the manager found out that I had placed Bennett from a co-worker when I had a full on panic attack when my son's paternal half walked into the restaurant. She told him and then a few weeks later he basically told me that my son didn't deserve me anyways, that he himself was adopted and he didn't want to know the "woman who gave him away anyway". I understand he's probably a hurt adoptee but he didn't have to come to me and attack me for being a firstmom. From there on out he would shout at me, disrespect me, and one day when I had a problem with a co-worker - he shouted "Then don't work !" - so knowing I couldn't handle the stress, I walked out.
So that leaves me jobless and trapped in a one bedroom tiny room with a disgusting apartment.
After 8 months of shunning my mother and not talking to her for how she's  treated me in the past she came to me, apologising, telling me she was wrong and wants to be in my life. So I accepted as long as she could learn to respect me. After a couple months I moved into my moms downstairs apartment when the person who was living here moved out. Things with my mom are good. Although - I don't like the things she says to my daughter sometimes, like today for instance she told her big Louisiana dog to bite Lailah (Which the dog didn't but it really scared Lailah) and then my mom actually grabbed scissors, snapped them open and closed near Lailah's face and said, "I'm gonna cut all your hair off!" Which also really scared Lailah. She came running down stairs for a hug, crying, saying that Mamee really hurt her feelings and was scaring her. I had to comfort her and let her know that those things wouldn't ever actually happen and that if anything did happen that I would deal with it. She hugged me, wiped her tears and continued on. But I HATE it.
The biggest problem is me practically reliving my childhood. My moms been remarried for about -3 or 4? years now... and well, he's abusive. He has 3 young children (12, 10, and 5) he shouts at them all the time, he verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuses them hardcore. He threatens them. I can hear it when I'm downstairs. He shouts for hours.
"What the fucks your problem?!" "What the fuck is wrong with you!" "Your stupid!" "I'm not fucking putting up with your shit!" "You got a fucking problem!" "I'll fucking beat you nigga I don't care!"
His kids are afraid of him.
My mom makes excuses for him. Tells me that he's "getting help" and "learning" how to be a better parent. Needless to say that his kids all have behavioral problems (no shit) and my mom blames their mother, her husband has no part in their bad behavior.

Well, all of this gives me flashbacks to my childhood. The fear I had, my running away, pushing the beds up against the door so that I wouldn't get beaten, crying until hyperventilation, constantly believing something was wrong with me, that I was broken, that I could never be fixed, that I would always have problems, that my parents didn't/couldn't love me.

And now being here - same mom, a different man, hearing it/seeing it from another perspective and still being powerless. - My mom works for DHS and DCYF - they do pop in visits all the time and my mom is friends with most of them, therefore they never believe claims made against her - so calling those to protect his children, won't work. It didn't even work when the hospital called after the school called the police and the hospital one time after my dad beat me and I had bruises everywhere. They dropped the case as unfounded and I was sent home.

My baby doesn't deserve this. Hell, Lailah doesn't even deserve any of this. Yes, they're with me and yeah - it may be temporary. But how much harm will it do to them? All because I selfishly want to keep them.
Lailah's 5 and she cries in her sleep. She hurts inside. Her dad is never around and she feels its her fault and that she's not important enough. She has lived in over 10-15 places in the past 5 years! Because we've always had to move around to survive. She is afraid of SO many things and constantly needs mommys reassurance and comfort because she is so scared out of her mind of even small things - like drains in the bathroom.
I've done this to her. And what am I going to do to this baby? They will grow up hearing the abusive above, dealing with the mean things of my mom and sister, forced into this all because of one thing : I'm selfish and I want my children even when it's not what is best for them. Bennett at least is safe. He's loved. He doesn't hear abuse or probably even know what it is. He has stability and money.
They were right. What could I provide? Little to nothing besides love and comfort. And I'm the only one providing that. :(
The closer it creeps to the baby coming, the more I feel like I can't and sometimes don't even WANT to do this. I don't want to lose another baby either. But I hate that I'm the bad guy. I'm not a great mom and I don't know how to become one. I don't know how to get a dream job and get on my feet and get the hell out of here. I don't know how to protect them from all that surrounds us. I don't know anything anymore.