I just can't even handle this. As much as I love this baby all of my past is haunting me and reminding me why I couldn't keep Bennett and why I shouldn't keep this baby.
ATM I'm living with my mom. I finished school as a Medical Assistant and I was working full time as a host at a restaurant last year. I was unable to find a job as a MA without volunteering for weeks first - which I couldn't afford to do. I then found myself pregnant with my amazing boyfriend (he truly is amazing) - we DTD one time that month and woops, baby on the way. Well, we were living with my dad in one bedroom with my daughter and his 3 cats and filthy house - the only thing "clean" was my room" and every time I cleaned the kitchen he trashed it. His cats urinated everywhere and crapped and he wouldn't pick it up. My own father literally smelled and his stench lingered anywhere he went - it was disgusting.
My boyfriend works 38 hrs a week at Mcdonalds - He is working there and not at a better job due to his Amom blaming him for a crime he didn't commit and he was stuck in and out of jail and the court system for three years - which last Summer he won the case and case was cleared and he had a clean record. But unfortunately he was unable to get a good job with his names on the news and in the papers etc, also the fact he doesn't have a license or medical care (he needs glasses - he's practically blind). He helps as much as he can but we can't afford an apartment or anything off of just his income.
Then I became high risk and had to take progesterone shots to help baby stay in and I continued working even though I was told not to and to take it easy -- Until the manager found out that I had placed Bennett from a co-worker when I had a full on panic attack when my son's paternal half walked into the restaurant. She told him and then a few weeks later he basically told me that my son didn't deserve me anyways, that he himself was adopted and he didn't want to know the "woman who gave him away anyway". I understand he's probably a hurt adoptee but he didn't have to come to me and attack me for being a firstmom. From there on out he would shout at me, disrespect me, and one day when I had a problem with a co-worker - he shouted "Then don't work !" - so knowing I couldn't handle the stress, I walked out.
So that leaves me jobless and trapped in a one bedroom tiny room with a disgusting apartment.
After 8 months of shunning my mother and not talking to her for how she's treated me in the past she came to me, apologising, telling me she was wrong and wants to be in my life. So I accepted as long as she could learn to respect me. After a couple months I moved into my moms downstairs apartment when the person who was living here moved out. Things with my mom are good. Although - I don't like the things she says to my daughter sometimes, like today for instance she told her big Louisiana dog to bite Lailah (Which the dog didn't but it really scared Lailah) and then my mom actually grabbed scissors, snapped them open and closed near Lailah's face and said, "I'm gonna cut all your hair off!" Which also really scared Lailah. She came running down stairs for a hug, crying, saying that Mamee really hurt her feelings and was scaring her. I had to comfort her and let her know that those things wouldn't ever actually happen and that if anything did happen that I would deal with it. She hugged me, wiped her tears and continued on. But I HATE it.
The biggest problem is me practically reliving my childhood. My moms been remarried for about -3 or 4? years now... and well, he's abusive. He has 3 young children (12, 10, and 5) he shouts at them all the time, he verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuses them hardcore. He threatens them. I can hear it when I'm downstairs. He shouts for hours.
"What the fucks your problem?!" "What the fuck is wrong with you!" "Your stupid!" "I'm not fucking putting up with your shit!" "You got a fucking problem!" "I'll fucking beat you nigga I don't care!"
His kids are afraid of him.
My mom makes excuses for him. Tells me that he's "getting help" and "learning" how to be a better parent. Needless to say that his kids all have behavioral problems (no shit) and my mom blames their mother, her husband has no part in their bad behavior.
Well, all of this gives me flashbacks to my childhood. The fear I had, my running away, pushing the beds up against the door so that I wouldn't get beaten, crying until hyperventilation, constantly believing something was wrong with me, that I was broken, that I could never be fixed, that I would always have problems, that my parents didn't/couldn't love me.
And now being here - same mom, a different man, hearing it/seeing it from another perspective and still being powerless. - My mom works for DHS and DCYF - they do pop in visits all the time and my mom is friends with most of them, therefore they never believe claims made against her - so calling those to protect his children, won't work. It didn't even work when the hospital called after the school called the police and the hospital one time after my dad beat me and I had bruises everywhere. They dropped the case as unfounded and I was sent home.
My baby doesn't deserve this. Hell, Lailah doesn't even deserve any of this. Yes, they're with me and yeah - it may be temporary. But how much harm will it do to them? All because I selfishly want to keep them.
Lailah's 5 and she cries in her sleep. She hurts inside. Her dad is never around and she feels its her fault and that she's not important enough. She has lived in over 10-15 places in the past 5 years! Because we've always had to move around to survive. She is afraid of SO many things and constantly needs mommys reassurance and comfort because she is so scared out of her mind of even small things - like drains in the bathroom.
I've done this to her. And what am I going to do to this baby? They will grow up hearing the abusive above, dealing with the mean things of my mom and sister, forced into this all because of one thing : I'm selfish and I want my children even when it's not what is best for them. Bennett at least is safe. He's loved. He doesn't hear abuse or probably even know what it is. He has stability and money.
They were right. What could I provide? Little to nothing besides love and comfort. And I'm the only one providing that. :(
The closer it creeps to the baby coming, the more I feel like I can't and sometimes don't even WANT to do this. I don't want to lose another baby either. But I hate that I'm the bad guy. I'm not a great mom and I don't know how to become one. I don't know how to get a dream job and get on my feet and get the hell out of here. I don't know how to protect them from all that surrounds us. I don't know anything anymore.
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