The world sucks.

You know how they say, "The whole world isn't out to get you." and "Not everyone is against you."
Sure, I guess you could say those are "true" in a sense. But I don't see many on my side or helping me either. My dad "helps" me by giving us a place to live - which he feels obligated to do since he's my father. And Justin seems to be the only one really "on" my side at all.
No matter where I look or turn - there's people or things in my way, out to get me, and against me. Life isn't just a stroll through the park. There are people and things attacking me in multiple directions. It's exhausting.
Seriously, it's everything.
Money is a huge one - obviously. The people who insult and attack anyone who needs government help. The negative things said to those who need the help. Like me. The way people look down on the "poor". And obviously after people the fact that things stand in our way. We can't afford a roof over our heads. We can't afford clothes on our backs. We can't afford the things we need in order to get a good paying job. We can't afford the schooling for education. All these things and people against us and "out to get" us. In the sense that they insult, attack, and have no support or even understanding.
Then there's body image. You have to look the part to be taken serious at all in life. And beyond popular belief being "overweight" or "too big" are not the only ones to be discriminated against, shamed, or humiliated. For me, I am "too small", "too thin", "too tiny". I am told to eat a cheeseburger, to stuff my face, to put meat on my bones. I am told I am disgusting, I'm frail, I'm weak, and that I must have some eating disorder.
My whole life growing up I was "skin and bones". Once I became a teen I was made fun of for my chest. I had "bee stings" and "ant bites" for breasts. My mom specifically used to say those to me.

I just hate all of it. I hate that nobody stands together. Nobody is supportive or kind. When you really think about it - the whole world really is against one another and they really are out to get one another. Sure, not targeted towards one specific person - the whole word doesn't know just ONE person. But it still feels the same way.

I hate her

I have a love hate relationship with my mom. I love her because she's my mom and honestly I probably know her more than anybody. But I hate her in moments who she is - who she continues being. I feel like she came a long way, fixing up ways she was parenting and didn't want to also do. But at some point she just stopped growing - stopped trying. She just gave up and accepted herself as she is. Must be a sad place to be.

I want to keep growing. I want to always be growing in some way. I want to be someone my kids can look up to and learn from just by observing.
I wonder if my mom has always been who she is now. Because if so, she was pretty good at hiding it all.
I remember of my mom her just not really being there - around me. When she was she didn't want me around - I annoyed her. I know it was her - not me. Which is what I want to work on fixing in my relationship with Lailah.
She went out to clubs all the time with my dad or she worked. When she was home I played with Moe or alone.
Sometimes I miss my mom and I feel she will never be there for me.
Sometimes she is there for me though - I started this thought and realized - no, not even then really. I came to the realization she's only really ever been there for me while I was in labor with the kids. She didn't really care about ME at all, it was them. That makes me feel sad.
I feel as if I've never mattered to her.
We will never have a healthy real relationship because she's just incapable. She's broken and she can't be fixed unless she admits it.

Why is that?

So much.... so much....
Earlier I was thinking about posting because I have been so stressed lately, so overwhelmed. I knew I had a lot on my mind that I had to get out on here, where my fingers meet the keyboard.
I had so much to vent about - money, Justin's job, fears, and thoughts. So much that has been too much on me the last few months. And then something came along to blow all of that out of the water - pretty much temporarily hitting me so hard that I've become stunned/numbed - about all those things I needed to vent about before. Now, it feels as if nothing matters, although; I know that's just my grief speaking.
I sent Liz a text today to get my update and some pictures - I got a lot more than I bargained for.
Flashback to my past. To my very first phone call with Liz and Nate. I remember listening to Liz cry. She was crying because she wanted a baby for a "very long" time. She was very very sad because they were told that they wouldn't be able to conceive. Not after her cancer treatments (from what I remember she told me). Crying, begging me to please choose them as the family I would give my son to. Please make her dream of becoming a mother true. Please help bring her out of the darkness which consumed her - her darkness about not being a mother and never being able to have a child.
Well, flash forward to today...

LOL JUST KIDDING !

I feel lied to, betrayed, misled, concerned about Bennett and jealous. 

Why to I feel these things? They TOLD ME they couldn't have ANY kids.

Twins. Fucking twins. Are you kidding me?! 

A huge reason why I chose them was because I wanted Bennett to be a single child. I feared him growing up in a household where he's the "adopted" one. I fear him being told he's not their "real" child. I fear him feeling like an outcast. I fear him feeling like they will love their REAL kids more. Or even treating him differently once their REAL children are born and casting him aside to feel abandoned, excluded, and like an outcast. 

I did this to him - forced this upon his life. I really hope he's happy one day and forgives me. 

And jealous because I always imagined my life as Liz's life. I imagined having these amazing parents - but turned out they weren't. I imagined my parents helping me with college and being supportive - turns out they never would do those things. I imagined getting married and having this beautiful wedding and traveling the world. I imagined having twins one day. Growing up I always carried twin dolls around - like they would one day be my destiny and I was practicing. Everything I DREAMED for my life - she has. She had this absolute perfect life that I always wished would be mine. But it's not and it never will be. Not only does she have the life I dreamed - she has my son. And she calls him HERS. 

A part of me is yelling at me right now - my higher self. We want to be a better mother - but I feel so broken, I feel so much pain and hurt. I think I have to heal before I can be the mother I want to be. Because of my own issues I'm so on edge all the time and I get agitated and frustrated - and it's all because of this anxiety, sadness, and stress. My higher self just sort of shamed me. She said to me, "If you had spent half your time focusing on healing what you need to to be a better mother for Lailah and Noel as you have to heal from losing Bennett then maybe you'd be the mother you'd have been wanting to be. But your attention is in the wrong place at the wrong time." 

She has a point I guess. I know I need to focus on Lailah and Noel more and I am trying so hard. I need to just accept that Bennett is theirs and move forward. Not move ON but move forward. 

Life always wants to crush me, have you wondered like I have? "Why is that?"

Self discovery of pain

I haven't been liking the way I've been parenting these past couple weeks. I was realizing I was very stressed out, sad, and impatient. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just know that I was having a hard time caring for the kids the way I want to. Especially Lailah. She's just being her age - a little 6 yr old child and I would feel so upset at her. But that wasn't HER fault - it was MY struggle, something I need to deal with so that I can be better for her.
So, I've started smoking bud again. It has seemed to give me a lot of insight into why I parent the way I do. It's also brought up some not so great "memories" from my past - at least I think that's what it is. I was thinking about it after smoking last night. I was wondering to myself why I don't have a closer relationship - to Lailah specifically. I am still very close to Noel - although I still can't fully commit myself to either of them. I've realized that it scares me. Thinking about having a tighter, closer relationship to them brought out anxiety and fear in me. So I searched deeper, trying to figure out where my fear comes from. And I bumped into memories that I don't think I really want to know about. They're so far back - I had to have been 3 or under. I kept feeling that someone must have sexually harmed me around those ages. I fear getting close to my own children because I think what happened was an adult got "too close" to me and because they did - they hurt me sexually. I feel as if I trusted this person and they got away with it because I didn't know it was wrong.
Why do I think this might be the case? Well, I've realized that I struggle with hugging/holding/touching/cleaning my children. It's uncomfortable for me and frankly - it scares me. I guess I fear making them uncomfortable or harming them on accident because that's what I felt when it was done to me as a young child.
I would NEVER hurt my children, ever. They are my entire world.
But now I have these feelings that I feel I need to and want to work through so that they don't interfere with my parenting and who I want to be. I don't want to be afraid to cuddle with my children once they're out of the baby stage. I don't want to feel scared hugging or holding my child or being vulnerable to them emotion wise.
I feel I could parent better if I were more on their levels with them, played with them, did fun activities with them, and got off the computer and away from talking to people I don't even know. But that scares me. It scares me and it's uncomfortable. It makes me feel very uncomfortable and I hate it. :(
I need to work through this but right now I just don't know how. How do you work through memories that suggest you were sexually harmed as a child? How do you work through feeling there was that breech of trust between someone who was never supposed to hurt you? I don't know.
The only OTHER explanation I could come up with was that my mother was sexually harmed as a child and she has these fears and insecurities and that's why she was never very hands on at all to my siblings or I growing up and it rubbed off on me. I could read her, feel her pain, and understand it - but now I feel it too. Then again this could be just me trying to ignore the pain done to me and push it elsewhere, I don't know. What I do know is that I need help sorting this all out.

I feel trapped today. Stuck in emotions that I don't know how to handle or what to do with. I guess the good news is that they aren't very overwhelming and I hope they don't get to that point. I feel like I need to talk to someone, be reassured in some way, or maybe validated. I don't know. (Yes, I realize I keep saying I don't know and I really hate that I don't). Maybe just someone to tell me it's okay and I will heal and be okay.
Part of me feels pathetic because I can't actually remember memories - just emotions and feelings. What if this sexual abuse never happened to me or my mother or whatever and something is just wrong with me. Why do I feel so insecure and scared being close to my kids then? Then where could it stem from? I need to know so that I can heal, I can fix it, and we can move forward. It's hard being the mom I want to be for them when I have all these overwhelming emotions that hit me hard as well. I have my own struggles to work through yet here I am with two littles lives that depend on me.
It's really scary being a mom. I mean - most of us can't even care for ourselves - I mean that in every possibly way too. I don't think anyone is soundly mentally stable 100% and can control their emotional reactions no matter what they're feeling. I don't think anyone is 100% psychologically undamaged. And then for some of us we aren't financially stable or physically stable. But here we are caring for these tiny new humans and trying to help them be all these things we aren't. How can we do that if we don't even know how to do it for ourselves?
My goal is to fix and help myself so that I know what to prevent happening to my children and how to help them through their difficult times and emotions. It's a real struggle though.