I hate her

I have a love hate relationship with my mom. I love her because she's my mom and honestly I probably know her more than anybody. But I hate her in moments who she is - who she continues being. I feel like she came a long way, fixing up ways she was parenting and didn't want to also do. But at some point she just stopped growing - stopped trying. She just gave up and accepted herself as she is. Must be a sad place to be.

I want to keep growing. I want to always be growing in some way. I want to be someone my kids can look up to and learn from just by observing.
I wonder if my mom has always been who she is now. Because if so, she was pretty good at hiding it all.
I remember of my mom her just not really being there - around me. When she was she didn't want me around - I annoyed her. I know it was her - not me. Which is what I want to work on fixing in my relationship with Lailah.
She went out to clubs all the time with my dad or she worked. When she was home I played with Moe or alone.
Sometimes I miss my mom and I feel she will never be there for me.
Sometimes she is there for me though - I started this thought and realized - no, not even then really. I came to the realization she's only really ever been there for me while I was in labor with the kids. She didn't really care about ME at all, it was them. That makes me feel sad.
I feel as if I've never mattered to her.
We will never have a healthy real relationship because she's just incapable. She's broken and she can't be fixed unless she admits it.