Earlier I was thinking about posting because I have been so stressed lately, so overwhelmed. I knew I had a lot on my mind that I had to get out on here, where my fingers meet the keyboard.
I had so much to vent about - money, Justin's job, fears, and thoughts. So much that has been too much on me the last few months. And then something came along to blow all of that out of the water - pretty much temporarily hitting me so hard that I've become stunned/numbed - about all those things I needed to vent about before. Now, it feels as if nothing matters, although; I know that's just my grief speaking.
I sent Liz a text today to get my update and some pictures - I got a lot more than I bargained for.
Flashback to my past. To my very first phone call with Liz and Nate. I remember listening to Liz cry. She was crying because she wanted a baby for a "very long" time. She was very very sad because they were told that they wouldn't be able to conceive. Not after her cancer treatments (from what I remember she told me). Crying, begging me to please choose them as the family I would give my son to. Please make her dream of becoming a mother true. Please help bring her out of the darkness which consumed her - her darkness about not being a mother and never being able to have a child.
Well, flash forward to today...
LOL JUST KIDDING !
I feel lied to, betrayed, misled, concerned about Bennett and jealous.
Why to I feel these things? They TOLD ME they couldn't have ANY kids.
Twins. Fucking twins. Are you kidding me?!
A huge reason why I chose them was because I wanted Bennett to be a single child. I feared him growing up in a household where he's the "adopted" one. I fear him being told he's not their "real" child. I fear him feeling like an outcast. I fear him feeling like they will love their REAL kids more. Or even treating him differently once their REAL children are born and casting him aside to feel abandoned, excluded, and like an outcast.
I did this to him - forced this upon his life. I really hope he's happy one day and forgives me.
And jealous because I always imagined my life as Liz's life. I imagined having these amazing parents - but turned out they weren't. I imagined my parents helping me with college and being supportive - turns out they never would do those things. I imagined getting married and having this beautiful wedding and traveling the world. I imagined having twins one day. Growing up I always carried twin dolls around - like they would one day be my destiny and I was practicing. Everything I DREAMED for my life - she has. She had this absolute perfect life that I always wished would be mine. But it's not and it never will be. Not only does she have the life I dreamed - she has my son. And she calls him HERS.
A part of me is yelling at me right now - my higher self. We want to be a better mother - but I feel so broken, I feel so much pain and hurt. I think I have to heal before I can be the mother I want to be. Because of my own issues I'm so on edge all the time and I get agitated and frustrated - and it's all because of this anxiety, sadness, and stress. My higher self just sort of shamed me. She said to me, "If you had spent half your time focusing on healing what you need to to be a better mother for Lailah and Noel as you have to heal from losing Bennett then maybe you'd be the mother you'd have been wanting to be. But your attention is in the wrong place at the wrong time."
She has a point I guess. I know I need to focus on Lailah and Noel more and I am trying so hard. I need to just accept that Bennett is theirs and move forward. Not move ON but move forward.
Life always wants to crush me, have you wondered like I have? "Why is that?"
No comments:
Post a Comment