What is driving me?

So, the holidays came and went. Christmas actually went well this year and I felt "happy". It was short lived, but I felt it nonetheless. I have so much going on within myself. I feel like I still just don't know about anything ever.
I feel like my relationship with Justin is on the rocks. I can't help but to feel so annoyed with him the majority of the time. He seems to always think about and put himself first and it's starting to get to me. He's a great guy in general, don't get me wrong. He is an amazing father, he's caring, understanding, and compassionate. He really is great. But this is something I just can't keep ignoring. He's lost my wallet at a store and I'm lucky it wasn't stolen. He's put a coat full of oil in our laundry and ruined shirts of mine and clothes of the kids. I cold go on and on. And sure, these seem like small problems - that is until they happen ALL THE TIME. Then they drive me fucking nuts.
Tom and I - I don't even know. Since a while back where he cut off contact for me for about a month things have never been the same. We talked the other day though and hopefully will continue communication to keep our friendship healthy. Although, I really doubt we will be moving to where he or or him move here. I just feel that it will never actually happen, even though he keeps telling me it will. I've stopped hoping for it and I will just have to accept that he will always just be on "online friend". Which I hate. But, whatever.
Let's rewind to last Friday when Justin got a call from UPS where he got a seasonal job at this year - they told him to meet the driver he had been working with at the same time and location he always did to pick up his check. Except the driver never showed. We were there for a half hour and nothing. Now fast forward to today and UPS hasn't called him at all and they haven't answered or responded back to his calls to receive his check - OH and the fact apparently he's already been laid off after telling him he would be working well into January. Awesome. -.-
Now he's jobless - but for the very first time he actually was ontop of his situation without me hoarding ontop of him telling him what to do and he got himself an interview for Monday at Olive Garden - so we will see where he/we stand/s then.
I feel so stressed out and sad nearly all the time. And I would go back to work if I felt I could trust anyone with Noel but I truly feel I can't. Especially since he's currently hitting and headbutting - I can just imagine daycare providers locking him into highchairs and making him sit there all day long like my mother does to kids she deems "bad". Hitting and headbutting are not "good" behaviors. But it's the growth period he is in right now. All children hit and use their bodies to display their emotions - it's completely normal and they just need redirection - not punishment. I would rather be in poverty than to risk his mental, emotional, and psychological health.

As for me: I'm just trying not to commit suicide and say "Fuck all of this".
I've been trying my hardest to imagine what those actions of mine would do to the kids. If I am afraid to even leave them with a daycare for a short period of time - what would a fostercare or fosterfamily do to him potentially? Maybe if I knew mostly good stories from fostercare or about fosterfamilies - but I don't. All the ones I know are shitty ones. People fucking suck.

I've thought hard about what to do and I'm just hoping that Justin is able to get a job in which we could at least rent a house or a bottom floor where a landlord would let me open a home daycare. If we could do that I feel we would then be able to own our own home one day and save money for our children and live a decent life. It's a hope and it's the only thing driving me forward right now.

Life wasn't made for people like me.

I don't know what to do. I feel like this is always what I have to say - I have no fucking clue what to do or where to go or how to get by in life.
How do we even remotely try to rent a place or buy our own home without a good income and how do we get a good income to be able to do that?!
I apparently can't go to school.... so out goes the possibility of a decent income for me.
Justin may be able to get a job with my dads friend John as an apprentice plasterer at the beginning of next year but that is still up in the air and it would start at around 10$ hr my dad said but that's still not enough to really live off of.
If only we could get a home then I could potentially open up a home daycare and then we would have things taken care of. But how can we do that without having an income first?
I feel like I'm drowning under water and that we will never be able to get on our feet.

I would work at the webcam modeling like I had started but I have "no one" to watch Noel. And I put it like that because technically I have my mom but I don't trust her anymore. I had brought Noel over there and she left him for an hour; in the highchair; in the kitchen, alone, to cry until he fell asleep. No way. I would rather be in poverty than to put my sons psychological health in harms way. My friend Sara offered to watch him for me but then I attempted to work and she was calling and messaging me not even an hour later asking me to go get him because he was crying and wouldn't stop. So that isn't even a possibility.
Justin is currently working for UPS but it's only a temp seasonal position.

Idk, I feel like giving up most days. I feel like life is impossible. I'm poor and broke - life wasn't made for people like me. I can't even sell crochet stuff without jumping through hoops to get licensed and everything.. you need to be able to spend money to attempt to make any money.. how do you do that if you don't have money to begin with?

Extremely depressed.

I haven't written in a while.
I've been so extremely stressed out lately and also pretty depressed. I feel like I'm suffocating nearly all the time. I can't get enough air in my lungs to even function... to even WANT to function.
I started the webcam job - I made a bit over $300 my first 2 weeks of working which was about 12 hours of work. Which wasn't even much "work" at all. I want to continue this job but I have nobody to care for Noel as I do. I at first was taking him to my moms but I don't trust her with him anymore. The last time I brought him over there and picked him up she told me she wouldn't let him play in the dog water so she locked him in the highchair and let him cry in the kitchen alone until he fell asleep. Clearly, I don't feel this is acceptable - nobody should. So, now I don't have anyone.
I also attempted my 'friend' Sara but as soon as Noel started crying she asked me to go pick him up. So I had to ditch my room which had about 10 tippers in it. :( I could have potentially made SO much money that day.
Justin recently started working at night with UPS but it's only a seasonal job. So.. temporarily he has a job but I don't think it will pay all of our bills.
We're so poor our cell phones have been shut off for the past month or so.

I also am not going to school because of the whole financial aid issue. Apparently, I can't be covered for the full years that I need to attend to get licensed as a professional. So, that idea flew right out the window.

My next idea is possibly opening a home daycare... no idea how that would go though. But my thought is that if my mother could do it I certainly can..

I want to move too. Move out of RI - even if it's just for a while. I REALLY want to move closer to Bennett but I don't think his parents would like that at all... I would probably ask before ever moving closer to him... well meaning - his state. I also want to be closer to Tom... he's my best friend and I feel like I could really use him around me. Use meaning being around him could help me emotionally and mentally.

I've been feeling so unstable lately. So many suicide idealizations. I just feel like giving up a lot lately. I think about it all the time. I think about how I would go about it all to get to the point where I could kill myself. If I were to take away all the things that give me reason to live it would be easy to also rid of myself. If I left Justin, if I found better suited homes to care for the kids, if I broke off my friendship with Tom - then I would be able to go quite easily. And some days I feel so tempted to start this plan because I feel things will never get better. Things will never change.

I can't care for my kids. I brought them here selfishly and I can't even care for them. I can't even take care of myself. We don't have a home, we don't have a lot of stuff. I can't even function the way I want to on most days. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I don't even want to be a mom anymore half the time. I just want to give up. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I want to have hope - I want to believe that things can get better. But I have no reason to believe that.