Extremely depressed.

I haven't written in a while.
I've been so extremely stressed out lately and also pretty depressed. I feel like I'm suffocating nearly all the time. I can't get enough air in my lungs to even function... to even WANT to function.
I started the webcam job - I made a bit over $300 my first 2 weeks of working which was about 12 hours of work. Which wasn't even much "work" at all. I want to continue this job but I have nobody to care for Noel as I do. I at first was taking him to my moms but I don't trust her with him anymore. The last time I brought him over there and picked him up she told me she wouldn't let him play in the dog water so she locked him in the highchair and let him cry in the kitchen alone until he fell asleep. Clearly, I don't feel this is acceptable - nobody should. So, now I don't have anyone.
I also attempted my 'friend' Sara but as soon as Noel started crying she asked me to go pick him up. So I had to ditch my room which had about 10 tippers in it. :( I could have potentially made SO much money that day.
Justin recently started working at night with UPS but it's only a seasonal job. So.. temporarily he has a job but I don't think it will pay all of our bills.
We're so poor our cell phones have been shut off for the past month or so.

I also am not going to school because of the whole financial aid issue. Apparently, I can't be covered for the full years that I need to attend to get licensed as a professional. So, that idea flew right out the window.

My next idea is possibly opening a home daycare... no idea how that would go though. But my thought is that if my mother could do it I certainly can..

I want to move too. Move out of RI - even if it's just for a while. I REALLY want to move closer to Bennett but I don't think his parents would like that at all... I would probably ask before ever moving closer to him... well meaning - his state. I also want to be closer to Tom... he's my best friend and I feel like I could really use him around me. Use meaning being around him could help me emotionally and mentally.

I've been feeling so unstable lately. So many suicide idealizations. I just feel like giving up a lot lately. I think about it all the time. I think about how I would go about it all to get to the point where I could kill myself. If I were to take away all the things that give me reason to live it would be easy to also rid of myself. If I left Justin, if I found better suited homes to care for the kids, if I broke off my friendship with Tom - then I would be able to go quite easily. And some days I feel so tempted to start this plan because I feel things will never get better. Things will never change.

I can't care for my kids. I brought them here selfishly and I can't even care for them. I can't even take care of myself. We don't have a home, we don't have a lot of stuff. I can't even function the way I want to on most days. I'm so stressed out and depressed that I don't even want to be a mom anymore half the time. I just want to give up. I seriously don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I want to have hope - I want to believe that things can get better. But I have no reason to believe that.