So, the holidays came and went. Christmas actually went well this year and I felt "happy". It was short lived, but I felt it nonetheless. I have so much going on within myself. I feel like I still just don't know about anything ever.
I feel like my relationship with Justin is on the rocks. I can't help but to feel so annoyed with him the majority of the time. He seems to always think about and put himself first and it's starting to get to me. He's a great guy in general, don't get me wrong. He is an amazing father, he's caring, understanding, and compassionate. He really is great. But this is something I just can't keep ignoring. He's lost my wallet at a store and I'm lucky it wasn't stolen. He's put a coat full of oil in our laundry and ruined shirts of mine and clothes of the kids. I cold go on and on. And sure, these seem like small problems - that is until they happen ALL THE TIME. Then they drive me fucking nuts.
Tom and I - I don't even know. Since a while back where he cut off contact for me for about a month things have never been the same. We talked the other day though and hopefully will continue communication to keep our friendship healthy. Although, I really doubt we will be moving to where he or or him move here. I just feel that it will never actually happen, even though he keeps telling me it will. I've stopped hoping for it and I will just have to accept that he will always just be on "online friend". Which I hate. But, whatever.
Let's rewind to last Friday when Justin got a call from UPS where he got a seasonal job at this year - they told him to meet the driver he had been working with at the same time and location he always did to pick up his check. Except the driver never showed. We were there for a half hour and nothing. Now fast forward to today and UPS hasn't called him at all and they haven't answered or responded back to his calls to receive his check - OH and the fact apparently he's already been laid off after telling him he would be working well into January. Awesome. -.-
Now he's jobless - but for the very first time he actually was ontop of his situation without me hoarding ontop of him telling him what to do and he got himself an interview for Monday at Olive Garden - so we will see where he/we stand/s then.
I feel so stressed out and sad nearly all the time. And I would go back to work if I felt I could trust anyone with Noel but I truly feel I can't. Especially since he's currently hitting and headbutting - I can just imagine daycare providers locking him into highchairs and making him sit there all day long like my mother does to kids she deems "bad". Hitting and headbutting are not "good" behaviors. But it's the growth period he is in right now. All children hit and use their bodies to display their emotions - it's completely normal and they just need redirection - not punishment. I would rather be in poverty than to risk his mental, emotional, and psychological health.
As for me: I'm just trying not to commit suicide and say "Fuck all of this".
I've been trying my hardest to imagine what those actions of mine would do to the kids. If I am afraid to even leave them with a daycare for a short period of time - what would a fostercare or fosterfamily do to him potentially? Maybe if I knew mostly good stories from fostercare or about fosterfamilies - but I don't. All the ones I know are shitty ones. People fucking suck.
I've thought hard about what to do and I'm just hoping that Justin is able to get a job in which we could at least rent a house or a bottom floor where a landlord would let me open a home daycare. If we could do that I feel we would then be able to own our own home one day and save money for our children and live a decent life. It's a hope and it's the only thing driving me forward right now.
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