A lot has been going on inside of me recently. Like a whirlwind of battering emotions and thoughts.
I've been battling inside with really bad anxiety that has been extremely overwhelming. I've been recognizing these episodes that happen to me where I get overwhelmed with thoughts that I dislike which causes me to feel panic and fear and I'm not quite sure why.
It seems to get worse the more I try to control my thoughts or put them "in their place" so to speak. For example my therapist has told me to start noticing when I have judgmental thoughts towards myself - I've been trying to say to myself, "there goes my judging mind again." but that seems to cause more awareness and more anxiety and more fear within me. I've found that I don't really like my unconscious thoughts very much and that I fear them. I am not who I was raised to be - somewhere along the line I changed and I became a person that I fought hard to become - I'm not just who my parents raised. But now because of that - many of my conscious thoughts are who I am today and who I strive to be and my unconscious thoughts seem to still be that of my past. I struggle with my emotions and sometimes my behaviors due to these unconscious thoughts that sometimes drive me. I hate it. :(
I've also been experiencing these episodes that happen where I feel as if my perception on something is changing too quickly - as if I am viewing and experiencing something as someone else and not as myself. That really frightens me and makes me question reality and who I am and what is truly going on around me. It makes me unsure of everything - since I'm not sure of even just myself. I hate that as well.
Recently I've really been struggling with being fully in control of my actions and with being who I truly want to be. I've been being more reactive and my triggers have seemed to have doubled. I am feeling frustrated and aggravated often. My physical body is in a lot of pain - specifically my lower back, my hips, and my shoulders. They hurt pretty bad. :( And at nights when I start feeling tired my body starts giving out on me or something - I start feeling very sick, nauseous, my stomach starts hurting extremely bad with pressure and this bursting pain, my head hurts, and I feel very hot. I can't even function during that time - all I can do is sleep it off.
I've also been really struggling hard with depression. Last Weds, I think it was, I was massively depressed. I locked myself in the bathroom and heavily considered suicide for this upcoming November. If I were to kill myself I would do it on my birthday - Poetic, right? There's something peaceful to me about living exactly a certain number of years - 26, 27, 30, 35, etc. No more, no less. Exactly that many years I survived through until I couldn't handle anymore. Why was I thinking of suicide? Well, pick the reason yourself. My past trauma haunting me, poverty, the lack of relationships I have, the fact that I can barely care for my children - and I certainly can't the way I want to or the way they truly deserve. We are living at my dads house in a single bedroom - which definitely puts a strain on my relationship with Justin ontop of everything else. We hardly have sex, we barely kiss, we're nearly never affectionate with one another because we always have little eyes watching our every move. It's overwhelming and idk the word - it makes me feel claustrophobic in a way.
My parenting has been at an all time low. I am very disappointed in myself and sad to admit that. I have been yelling and sometimes shaming or threatening Lailah. Telling her that I am overwhelmed and that she's not helping and that she could go live with her father if she's going to continue begging me to buy her things and not listening to anything else I say. My relationship with her I feel has been dwindling away again. I want to be there for her and love her and care for her and everything (which I do do; part of me just feels like I don't want to) - but she makes it difficult when I feel like she doesn't care about anything I have to say or anything that I feel. I know I'm taking it personally but I can't help it in the state I am in recently with all this anxiety and depression.
Times like this I miss the marijuana - then I remember the panic attacks that I sometimes got and I don't want to go through them again.
I feel like there's just not much else I can do anymore - that I'm always going to be fucked up no matter how hard I try to heal or no matter the help I reach out for or no matter the work I do on myself to be a better person. A large part of me just wants to give up and stop this suffering I feel inside.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Friday, July 10, 2015
Peaceful parenting win
This is why I love peaceful parenting.
The situation : Lailah had her nail polish out and had already finished painting her nails but didn't put them away yet. Noel was throwing the nail polish out of the bag. Lailah wanted Noel to stop because he was throwing them and hitting her with them.
First she alerted me what was going on.
Me: It appears that you would like your brother to stop throwing them, is that correct?
Her: yes.
Me: what do you think you can do to help the situation to get that outcome?
Her: I don't know.
Me: well, let's work together on it.
Lailah then got down at eye level with her brother and asked him a few times "Noel please stop throwing them. Noel can you stop throwing them" "Noel don't throw please".
Me: I stepped in - "that doesn't look like its getting through to him, what's next that you can try?" Lailah: she thought for a couple seconds then got the idea I was hoping she would. "I can put them away!"
Me: I think that's a very good idea.
Lailah: "ok Noel I have to put these away now okay." Then she cleaned them up.
Then to my surprise when she was finished she got back down on eye level with Noel and said, "Noel, you were throwing the nail polish. When you threw them you hit sissy with them and that hurt me *signed hurt to him and Noel signed hurt back*. Yeah, it hurt. Next time can you try not to throw the nail polish? I'm going to have to put them away now, ok?" Then she happily put them away and moved on to something else.
I'm not perfect at all but I must be doing something right. <3
The situation : Lailah had her nail polish out and had already finished painting her nails but didn't put them away yet. Noel was throwing the nail polish out of the bag. Lailah wanted Noel to stop because he was throwing them and hitting her with them.
First she alerted me what was going on.
Me: It appears that you would like your brother to stop throwing them, is that correct?
Her: yes.
Me: what do you think you can do to help the situation to get that outcome?
Her: I don't know.
Me: well, let's work together on it.
Lailah then got down at eye level with her brother and asked him a few times "Noel please stop throwing them. Noel can you stop throwing them" "Noel don't throw please".
Me: I stepped in - "that doesn't look like its getting through to him, what's next that you can try?" Lailah: she thought for a couple seconds then got the idea I was hoping she would. "I can put them away!"
Me: I think that's a very good idea.
Lailah: "ok Noel I have to put these away now okay." Then she cleaned them up.
Then to my surprise when she was finished she got back down on eye level with Noel and said, "Noel, you were throwing the nail polish. When you threw them you hit sissy with them and that hurt me *signed hurt to him and Noel signed hurt back*. Yeah, it hurt. Next time can you try not to throw the nail polish? I'm going to have to put them away now, ok?" Then she happily put them away and moved on to something else.
I'm not perfect at all but I must be doing something right. <3
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Busy busy busy.
Oh wow, I haven't noticed that I haven't written in over a month until just now. I've been meaning to write but I've recently been very busy. Mostly with the kids, work, and planning Justin and my wedding.
Work is going ok - just recently had my hours limited to about 6 a week so it's not helping much financially. I was on two cases but my first case had a child that I was working with that was just wayy too aggressive - they took me off that case when I got a metal toy truck thrown at my face and it busted my lip open. Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, that could have turned out really awful. My second case they dropped it down to only 6 hours a week from 12 and I'm actually off this case next week. I have another case which I'm waiting for an interview with the parents. Hopefully the parents will be able to meet sometime next week and I can start working that case ASAP. That case wI ill be 15 hours a week. I might also add another short houred case for extra hours to get as close to 20 as possible - over if I can really..
I've been planning Justin and my wedding which is scheduled for August 22nd. I have a lot of emotions about it which vary from very excited and happy to very nervous and doubtful. I'm hoping the doubt that I feel is due to my struggle in my past relationships and doesn't truly have anything to do with Justin himself. Although, recently I've really been hating the way he talks to Lailah. He talks to her like she's supposed to be some adult who knows everything. He seems to talk down on her like she's stupid for not knowing how to cook or put something in the fridge correctly (which I see as grown up tasks - not 7 year old tasks). He says he's working on it though and I know personally how hard it is to recover from our pasts - I struggle too. But I feel like I'm trying harder and that he only tries when he's around me and not when he's in the other room with her. I hope when I finish the parenting book I'm reading though that he too will be able to read it and understand it and then work towards implementing what is taught in it into our lives with our children.
I've been very stressed out lately. So much so that I've been having episodes of derealization and depersonalization. Which are basically fancy words for feeling as if I don't truly exist - nothing does - the world around me doesn't truly exist, and feeling as though I am not me and that my thoughts don't always belong to me - I forget who I am. These episodes include me losing the past 5 mins of my time and not remembering what I was doing (thankfully I've only noticed them lasting very short periods of time). It's very scary and frightening for me. I have this fear of losing myself - who I know myself to be. I fear losing control of myself and my actions. I don't really know how else to explain it even though it feels as if there is so much more to it.
I'm also working hard on myself. I've been talking and comforting myself and my inner child a lot often and working on my parenting to the best of my daily ability. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling very agitated and frustrated and I couldn't really pin a trigger or reason. I am assuming it was due to a nightmare I experienced the night before. I've been getting a lot of nightmares recently - some I remember and others I only remember briefly before forgetting. My higher self has told me that I've forgotten them for a reason - because I can't handle the things my brain is trying to process, I'm apt to believe her. But yeah - back on track here, yesterday was hard.... I was so on edge and I noticed it. That's a huge step for me. I noticed it. Not only did I notice it but I recognized what I should do and what I shouldn't do. Included in what I shouldn't do was yell at my kids at all due to my own internal struggle, take it out on Justin due to my own internal struggle, or be reactive due to my own internal struggle. I wanted to avoid doing those things. So what I did instead was that - first I alert Justin. I told him how I was feeling simply. "I am really struggling today. I'm feeling very frustrated." and then I told him what I needed and why, "I need space and as little pressure on me as possible because I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to yell or get upset, I'm just trying to ride this out." By telling him I think it really helped the situation - he's really helpful during times like this for me. Then I did my best throughout the day to remain "present" and to not become reactive. Justin did his best to entertain the kids. I still nursed Noel and I played with him a bit. When Lailah would become a bit too overwhelming I let her know as well that mommy needed some space and I didn't want to lose my patience so I needed her help. She too is really awesome and so helpful during times like that for me. I am so entirely lucky to have them in my life. Noel can't understand but he's a really intelligent baby and he doesn't cry or tantrum all that much so that is also helpful for me.
Another huge thing that happened lately is that Liz and I seemed to have and hold an actual conversation. She was friendly, we talked about the kids, we just chatted and it was nice. I got photos and a video too.
I sent Bennett a pack of chalk, a green lantern pillow that I crocheted, and a monkey game. :) With a card of course. - The card was a belated birthday card because I was late sending out his gifts.
I also got Liz a necklace:
On another note : I really want to learn how to sew stuffed animals. That's my next goal.
Work is going ok - just recently had my hours limited to about 6 a week so it's not helping much financially. I was on two cases but my first case had a child that I was working with that was just wayy too aggressive - they took me off that case when I got a metal toy truck thrown at my face and it busted my lip open. Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, that could have turned out really awful. My second case they dropped it down to only 6 hours a week from 12 and I'm actually off this case next week. I have another case which I'm waiting for an interview with the parents. Hopefully the parents will be able to meet sometime next week and I can start working that case ASAP. That case wI ill be 15 hours a week. I might also add another short houred case for extra hours to get as close to 20 as possible - over if I can really..
I've been planning Justin and my wedding which is scheduled for August 22nd. I have a lot of emotions about it which vary from very excited and happy to very nervous and doubtful. I'm hoping the doubt that I feel is due to my struggle in my past relationships and doesn't truly have anything to do with Justin himself. Although, recently I've really been hating the way he talks to Lailah. He talks to her like she's supposed to be some adult who knows everything. He seems to talk down on her like she's stupid for not knowing how to cook or put something in the fridge correctly (which I see as grown up tasks - not 7 year old tasks). He says he's working on it though and I know personally how hard it is to recover from our pasts - I struggle too. But I feel like I'm trying harder and that he only tries when he's around me and not when he's in the other room with her. I hope when I finish the parenting book I'm reading though that he too will be able to read it and understand it and then work towards implementing what is taught in it into our lives with our children.
I've been very stressed out lately. So much so that I've been having episodes of derealization and depersonalization. Which are basically fancy words for feeling as if I don't truly exist - nothing does - the world around me doesn't truly exist, and feeling as though I am not me and that my thoughts don't always belong to me - I forget who I am. These episodes include me losing the past 5 mins of my time and not remembering what I was doing (thankfully I've only noticed them lasting very short periods of time). It's very scary and frightening for me. I have this fear of losing myself - who I know myself to be. I fear losing control of myself and my actions. I don't really know how else to explain it even though it feels as if there is so much more to it.
I'm also working hard on myself. I've been talking and comforting myself and my inner child a lot often and working on my parenting to the best of my daily ability. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling very agitated and frustrated and I couldn't really pin a trigger or reason. I am assuming it was due to a nightmare I experienced the night before. I've been getting a lot of nightmares recently - some I remember and others I only remember briefly before forgetting. My higher self has told me that I've forgotten them for a reason - because I can't handle the things my brain is trying to process, I'm apt to believe her. But yeah - back on track here, yesterday was hard.... I was so on edge and I noticed it. That's a huge step for me. I noticed it. Not only did I notice it but I recognized what I should do and what I shouldn't do. Included in what I shouldn't do was yell at my kids at all due to my own internal struggle, take it out on Justin due to my own internal struggle, or be reactive due to my own internal struggle. I wanted to avoid doing those things. So what I did instead was that - first I alert Justin. I told him how I was feeling simply. "I am really struggling today. I'm feeling very frustrated." and then I told him what I needed and why, "I need space and as little pressure on me as possible because I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to yell or get upset, I'm just trying to ride this out." By telling him I think it really helped the situation - he's really helpful during times like this for me. Then I did my best throughout the day to remain "present" and to not become reactive. Justin did his best to entertain the kids. I still nursed Noel and I played with him a bit. When Lailah would become a bit too overwhelming I let her know as well that mommy needed some space and I didn't want to lose my patience so I needed her help. She too is really awesome and so helpful during times like that for me. I am so entirely lucky to have them in my life. Noel can't understand but he's a really intelligent baby and he doesn't cry or tantrum all that much so that is also helpful for me.
Another huge thing that happened lately is that Liz and I seemed to have and hold an actual conversation. She was friendly, we talked about the kids, we just chatted and it was nice. I got photos and a video too.
I sent Bennett a pack of chalk, a green lantern pillow that I crocheted, and a monkey game. :) With a card of course. - The card was a belated birthday card because I was late sending out his gifts.
I also got Liz a necklace:
On another note : I really want to learn how to sew stuffed animals. That's my next goal.
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