Suffering inside.

A lot has been going on inside of me recently. Like a whirlwind of battering emotions and thoughts.
I've been battling inside with really bad anxiety that has been extremely overwhelming. I've been recognizing these episodes that happen to me where I get overwhelmed with thoughts that I dislike which causes me to feel panic and fear and I'm not quite sure why.
It seems to get worse the more I try to control my thoughts or put them "in their place" so to speak. For example my therapist has told me to start noticing when I have judgmental thoughts towards myself - I've been trying to say to myself, "there goes my judging mind again." but that seems to cause more awareness and more anxiety and more fear within me. I've found that I don't really like my unconscious thoughts very much and that I fear them. I am not who I was raised to be - somewhere along the line I changed and I became a person that I fought hard to become - I'm not just who my parents raised. But now because of that - many of my conscious thoughts are who I am today and who I strive to be and my unconscious thoughts seem to still be that of my past. I struggle with my emotions and sometimes my behaviors due to these unconscious thoughts that sometimes drive me. I hate it. :(
I've also been experiencing these episodes that happen where I feel as if my perception on something is changing too quickly - as if I am viewing and experiencing something as someone else and not as myself. That really frightens me and makes me question reality and who I am and what is truly going on around me. It makes me unsure of everything - since I'm not sure of even just myself. I hate that as well.

Recently I've really been struggling with being fully in control of my actions and with being who I truly want to be. I've been being more reactive and my triggers have seemed to have doubled. I am feeling frustrated and aggravated often. My physical body is in a lot of pain - specifically my lower back, my hips, and my shoulders. They hurt pretty bad. :( And at nights when I start feeling tired my body starts giving out on me or something - I start feeling very sick, nauseous, my stomach starts hurting extremely bad with pressure and this bursting pain, my head hurts, and I feel very hot. I can't even function during that time - all I can do is sleep it off.

I've also been really struggling hard with depression. Last Weds, I think it was, I was massively depressed. I locked myself in the bathroom and heavily considered suicide for this upcoming November. If I were to kill myself I would do it on my birthday - Poetic, right? There's something peaceful to me about living exactly a certain number of years - 26, 27, 30, 35, etc. No more, no less. Exactly that many years I survived through until I couldn't handle anymore. Why was I thinking of suicide? Well, pick the reason yourself. My past trauma haunting me, poverty, the lack of relationships I have, the fact that I can barely care for my children - and I certainly can't the way I want to or the way they truly deserve. We are living at my dads house in a single bedroom - which definitely puts a strain on my relationship with Justin ontop of everything else. We hardly have sex, we barely kiss, we're nearly never affectionate with one another because we always have little eyes watching our every move. It's overwhelming and idk the word - it makes me feel claustrophobic in a way.

My parenting has been at an all time low. I am very disappointed in myself and sad to admit that. I have been yelling and sometimes shaming or threatening Lailah. Telling her that I am overwhelmed and that she's not helping and that she could go live with her father if she's going to continue begging me to buy her things and not listening to anything else I say. My relationship with her I feel has been dwindling away again. I want to be there for her and love her and care for her and everything (which I do do; part of me just feels like I don't want to) - but she makes it difficult when I feel like she doesn't care about anything I have to say or anything that I feel. I know I'm taking it personally but I can't help it in the state I am in recently with all this anxiety and depression.

Times like this I miss the marijuana - then I remember the panic attacks that I sometimes got and I don't want to go through them again.

I feel like there's just not much else I can do anymore - that I'm always going to be fucked up no matter how hard I try to heal or no matter the help I reach out for or no matter the work I do on myself to be a better person. A large part of me just wants to give up and stop this suffering I feel inside.