Work is going ok - just recently had my hours limited to about 6 a week so it's not helping much financially. I was on two cases but my first case had a child that I was working with that was just wayy too aggressive - they took me off that case when I got a metal toy truck thrown at my face and it busted my lip open. Thankfully it didn't hit my eye, that could have turned out really awful. My second case they dropped it down to only 6 hours a week from 12 and I'm actually off this case next week. I have another case which I'm waiting for an interview with the parents. Hopefully the parents will be able to meet sometime next week and I can start working that case ASAP. That case wI ill be 15 hours a week. I might also add another short houred case for extra hours to get as close to 20 as possible - over if I can really..
I've been planning Justin and my wedding which is scheduled for August 22nd. I have a lot of emotions about it which vary from very excited and happy to very nervous and doubtful. I'm hoping the doubt that I feel is due to my struggle in my past relationships and doesn't truly have anything to do with Justin himself. Although, recently I've really been hating the way he talks to Lailah. He talks to her like she's supposed to be some adult who knows everything. He seems to talk down on her like she's stupid for not knowing how to cook or put something in the fridge correctly (which I see as grown up tasks - not 7 year old tasks). He says he's working on it though and I know personally how hard it is to recover from our pasts - I struggle too. But I feel like I'm trying harder and that he only tries when he's around me and not when he's in the other room with her. I hope when I finish the parenting book I'm reading though that he too will be able to read it and understand it and then work towards implementing what is taught in it into our lives with our children.
I've been very stressed out lately. So much so that I've been having episodes of derealization and depersonalization. Which are basically fancy words for feeling as if I don't truly exist - nothing does - the world around me doesn't truly exist, and feeling as though I am not me and that my thoughts don't always belong to me - I forget who I am. These episodes include me losing the past 5 mins of my time and not remembering what I was doing (thankfully I've only noticed them lasting very short periods of time). It's very scary and frightening for me. I have this fear of losing myself - who I know myself to be. I fear losing control of myself and my actions. I don't really know how else to explain it even though it feels as if there is so much more to it.
I'm also working hard on myself. I've been talking and comforting myself and my inner child a lot often and working on my parenting to the best of my daily ability. Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I was feeling very agitated and frustrated and I couldn't really pin a trigger or reason. I am assuming it was due to a nightmare I experienced the night before. I've been getting a lot of nightmares recently - some I remember and others I only remember briefly before forgetting. My higher self has told me that I've forgotten them for a reason - because I can't handle the things my brain is trying to process, I'm apt to believe her. But yeah - back on track here, yesterday was hard.... I was so on edge and I noticed it. That's a huge step for me. I noticed it. Not only did I notice it but I recognized what I should do and what I shouldn't do. Included in what I shouldn't do was yell at my kids at all due to my own internal struggle, take it out on Justin due to my own internal struggle, or be reactive due to my own internal struggle. I wanted to avoid doing those things. So what I did instead was that - first I alert Justin. I told him how I was feeling simply. "I am really struggling today. I'm feeling very frustrated." and then I told him what I needed and why, "I need space and as little pressure on me as possible because I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to yell or get upset, I'm just trying to ride this out." By telling him I think it really helped the situation - he's really helpful during times like this for me. Then I did my best throughout the day to remain "present" and to not become reactive. Justin did his best to entertain the kids. I still nursed Noel and I played with him a bit. When Lailah would become a bit too overwhelming I let her know as well that mommy needed some space and I didn't want to lose my patience so I needed her help. She too is really awesome and so helpful during times like that for me. I am so entirely lucky to have them in my life. Noel can't understand but he's a really intelligent baby and he doesn't cry or tantrum all that much so that is also helpful for me.
Another huge thing that happened lately is that Liz and I seemed to have and hold an actual conversation. She was friendly, we talked about the kids, we just chatted and it was nice. I got photos and a video too.
I sent Bennett a pack of chalk, a green lantern pillow that I crocheted, and a monkey game. :) With a card of course. - The card was a belated birthday card because I was late sending out his gifts.
I also got Liz a necklace:
On another note : I really want to learn how to sew stuffed animals. That's my next goal.
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