I got MARRIED!!

Bad first then good.

I am still struggling with depression - so much so that I've been dreaming about smoking some weed for that happy relaxed feeling again. I feel sad often for what feels like no reason at all. Lately, I have NO reason at all to feel sad (besides the past). 

I got married this weekend !!!!

Justin and I tied the knot on Saturday 08/22/15. <3










It was a beautiful wedding, although not all fancy and top dollar but nice nonetheless. I had a gorgeous gown, he was dressed so handsome, my best friend came up and stayed with us for 4 days to attend our wedding, I had so many wonderful close family members also attend, and my kids are amazing. I loved it but it was also a bit stressful and disappointing as well. I loved that my best friend Tom was there and I had just married my other best friend ever. It was lovely. We had it at Colt State Park - at their chapel then we went over to sites for music and dancing etc.





 At one point it was hilarious because Justin was trying to put cake on my face and I wouldn't let him - I was trying to eat the cake off his finger instead and our best friend Tom came up and said, "You both suck at this!" and then he caked Justin and I both right in the face. It was so much fun!

Lailah and Noel looked fabulous of course. :) Lailah was the flower girl and Noel was the ring barer - with Tom's help. :) Lailah was acting very shy during the whole ceremony and reception - she wouldn't accept Justin's vows to her and she didn't want to dance with me. But overall she liked it and had fun.

I was disappointed that a lot of family members that Justin and I considered close didn't call or show up at all. It was stressful that Noel was freaking out and I could hardly get time away from him where he wasn't wanting me to hold him, nurse, or freaking out for me every 5 mins. I had finally gotten everyone to get up and dance with me when Noel decided to freak out so bad that I had to sit down to comfort him and everyone danced without me. When Noel was calm a while later I tried to get up and get everyone dancing again and nobody wanted to dance with me. And when I asked my dad to dance he protested yet got up to dance anyway - only to complain the entire time (which was about a minute because he complained so much I just let him go sit back down and not dance with me - which really really hurt my feelings actually.) Apparently, I'm not worth a dance with his daughter on her wedding day. But whatever -- I made the best of the day. My best friend was there, there was good food, and well, I got married! Also, my friend Cassidy who helped me with pretty much ALL my wedding decorations and setting up and everything took all my wedding photos! She edited and is still editing more of them and they're incredible! They're perfect. I feel so thankful that she is a friend of mine - she's so generous and kind hearted. She wanted to do all that for me for free! But I couldn't let her, I gave her - lol well forced her to accept $100 from me which I got from someone else who gifted it to Justin and I in a card.

Guests who attended: My mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, both my aunts Bubbles and Aunt Sheryl, Uncle Jack and his wife Janice and step daughter Brianna, Chelsea, my kids, Justin's dad Calvin and his wife Maria, Justin's sisters Sarafina, Tiffany as well and her fiance Miguel and baby, My Aunt Cindy and Uncle Mike, My friends Tom, Lucy and her son Bryce, and Cassidy, My aunt Linda and Uncle John. 

That's it. 

Anyway... I also started a new job today. That's good and bad. Good because I need the money so we can save for our own home. Bad because it is difficult demanding busy work. My thumb is all blistered and cut up from popping fabric papers on these little metal pegs that were on this big machine assembly line type thing. It hurts a lot. But it's a job and necessary. No pain no gain I guess, Eh?

That's all that is really new new. Noel is growing and getting smarter and bigger every day. Lailah is adjusting to Justin and I being married and preparing to go back to school - 2nd grade!! I am going to try to contact the school department so that I can switch her to another school instead of Curtis because of all the problems I've had with them the past 2 years, so we'll see what goes on with that. 

Business before my big day

A lot of new stuff to unload..

Good or bad first? I'll say the good first....

Well - I'm getting married in about 2.5 days. It's Weds night and I am getting married Saturday morning to Justin. I am excited but also overwhelmed by it all. I have a lot of things to do within the next two days... Tomorrow alone I have to get a radio, bring Justin for a hair cut, trim my bangs, get our marriage license, call a potential employer company to go fill out an application and potentially have an interview, meet my mom at the store and to get a new phone hopefully, bring Justin to his dads to burn music for our wedding, and pick Tom up from the train station. A LOT to do. The day will fly by quickly.

Friday I am meeting with my friend Cassidy- she's going to be meeting me at my moms house where we will be finishing odds and ends for my wedding, cooking some food, and making my cake. My friend Tom will also be hanging out with us. I hope it'll be a fun day.

I'm really excited and happy that my best friend Tom is coming up for my wedding. I couldn't feel more grateful towards him for making it an important enough time to take time out of his life for me. He's truly an amazing friend. 

Justin had an interview at Target today and he got hired. not quite sure about it yet since we don't know what his hours will be or if he'll have a good amount or not.

Bad news is that I left my job - that case also became abusive and the child was just far too aggressive for me - I put in my two week notice but my co workers felt like it was too unsafe for me to return before then so I left about a week ago. I applied and interviewed at Target just as Justin has but I didn't get the position - if I had to guess I would assume it has to do with my tiny size, they just don't feel like I could lift the necessary boxes to stock and such. 

But tomorrow I am going to be calling a place to see if I could potentially go in and fill out an application and have an interview. My mom gave me a business card that a mom from her daycare gave her that she recently got hired at so if all goes as well as it had for her then I will have a job soon as well. I can only hope. 

I have been feeling very depressed lately and overwhelmed. My mom hasn't helped me at all with my wedding and the only cash she's given me is if I help her with groceries she gives me 1/3 of it in cash. Which profits her, not me. She hasn't helped me with anything else yet she's helped her God daughter with her wedding that is approaching next month - even went as far as to pay for half of her honey moon that'll be at some resort on some gorgeous island somewhere. I'm really hurt and feel that she means more to her than I do - her own daughter. My dad has been being a jackass recently toward me- constantly putting me down for every choice I try to make and insulting my goals and beliefs. He was attacking my attempt to go back to school which clearly didn't work out. Now he's always attacking me trying to get a new job, my goal to own my own home one day, my goal to open my own home daycare, and at Justin and I getting married. He says backhand comments and then scoffs at my potential ability or optimism. He truly makes me feel like shit. Oh and to top it all off I've been blown off 5 times by 4 different friends over the past couple weeks alone. Every time I scheduled meets with them they cancelled last moment on me and never even rescheduled. It really hurts to have so many people show me, in a way, that I just am not important in their lives at all - including my parents. I've been feeling worthless and like I don't even want to continue life and living... and I SHOULD feel happy. I mean, one of my best friend is coming here and I'm marrying my other best friend, and I have amazing children that love me and treat me like I'm their entire world.. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know why I have been letting so much effect me... I just feel like I can't help it. I get up every day and I push forward, I live my life and each day that comes. I have been taking good care of my face and my acne has cleared up so much, I set schedules and get things done... but all the happiness and smiles I put on my face feel fake. They're just an act to get through the day without ruining others days or provoking questions about my life and feelings other just can't understand. I don't know what to do about it anymore besides keep pretending. I'm becoming a very good actress - unfortunately, it's not something I could add to a resume. 

I'm going to go watch Dexter with Justin and put Noel down for bed so we can be well rested for our busy day tomorrow. 

Exhausting.

Life has been stressful. I feel like I'm running in place never to actually GO anywhere.
It's like NOTHING ever goes right. Besides my children's health - thankfully that's good *knock on wood*.
Last week I went to the doctor with bladder pain to find out that I have blood in my urine. My doctor doesn't know why and I was negative for a UTI or infection, showed no signs of it. I also have a yeast infection but can't take any medication because I'm breastfeeding - but I'm going to try probiotics.
I've put in my 2 weeks notice at work. It's just not working out for SO many reasons. The number 1 reason is because I don't feel it's safe for my health physically, mentally, or emotionally. I guess it takes a much stronger person than me. I go into work and I get pushed, liquids thrown at me, hit, shoved, spit at, screamed at inches from my face, threatened, and sworn at. All by an 11 yr old obese child. I can't handle it. 2. Financially it's just not even worth it. I don't get paid enough for what I do; never mind the fact that I don't get any gas reimbursement yet I have to travel him around to different community outings. The gas is outrageous compared to what I'm bringing home. It's just not worth it at all.
I've applied at target and I'm hoping to get that job even though it's a boring ass bottom end job.
I had a therapist - last time I went and seen her she told me her computer was down and she would call me with an appointment - yet over a month later and she hasn't. Never mind the fact that she refused to listen to my emotions anyhow. No point in even trying again with that.
I feel like I'm so depressed. I'm good at pretending I'm not. I'm excellent at putting on a fake smile and doing whatever it is that needs to be done in life so that I appear just as normal as everyone else. Most of the time, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to keep pretending. It is EXHAUSTING.