Good or bad first? I'll say the good first....
Well - I'm getting married in about 2.5 days. It's Weds night and I am getting married Saturday morning to Justin. I am excited but also overwhelmed by it all. I have a lot of things to do within the next two days... Tomorrow alone I have to get a radio, bring Justin for a hair cut, trim my bangs, get our marriage license, call a potential employer company to go fill out an application and potentially have an interview, meet my mom at the store and to get a new phone hopefully, bring Justin to his dads to burn music for our wedding, and pick Tom up from the train station. A LOT to do. The day will fly by quickly.
Friday I am meeting with my friend Cassidy- she's going to be meeting me at my moms house where we will be finishing odds and ends for my wedding, cooking some food, and making my cake. My friend Tom will also be hanging out with us. I hope it'll be a fun day.
I'm really excited and happy that my best friend Tom is coming up for my wedding. I couldn't feel more grateful towards him for making it an important enough time to take time out of his life for me. He's truly an amazing friend.
Justin had an interview at Target today and he got hired. not quite sure about it yet since we don't know what his hours will be or if he'll have a good amount or not.
Bad news is that I left my job - that case also became abusive and the child was just far too aggressive for me - I put in my two week notice but my co workers felt like it was too unsafe for me to return before then so I left about a week ago. I applied and interviewed at Target just as Justin has but I didn't get the position - if I had to guess I would assume it has to do with my tiny size, they just don't feel like I could lift the necessary boxes to stock and such.
But tomorrow I am going to be calling a place to see if I could potentially go in and fill out an application and have an interview. My mom gave me a business card that a mom from her daycare gave her that she recently got hired at so if all goes as well as it had for her then I will have a job soon as well. I can only hope.
I have been feeling very depressed lately and overwhelmed. My mom hasn't helped me at all with my wedding and the only cash she's given me is if I help her with groceries she gives me 1/3 of it in cash. Which profits her, not me. She hasn't helped me with anything else yet she's helped her God daughter with her wedding that is approaching next month - even went as far as to pay for half of her honey moon that'll be at some resort on some gorgeous island somewhere. I'm really hurt and feel that she means more to her than I do - her own daughter. My dad has been being a jackass recently toward me- constantly putting me down for every choice I try to make and insulting my goals and beliefs. He was attacking my attempt to go back to school which clearly didn't work out. Now he's always attacking me trying to get a new job, my goal to own my own home one day, my goal to open my own home daycare, and at Justin and I getting married. He says backhand comments and then scoffs at my potential ability or optimism. He truly makes me feel like shit. Oh and to top it all off I've been blown off 5 times by 4 different friends over the past couple weeks alone. Every time I scheduled meets with them they cancelled last moment on me and never even rescheduled. It really hurts to have so many people show me, in a way, that I just am not important in their lives at all - including my parents. I've been feeling worthless and like I don't even want to continue life and living... and I SHOULD feel happy. I mean, one of my best friend is coming here and I'm marrying my other best friend, and I have amazing children that love me and treat me like I'm their entire world.. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know why I have been letting so much effect me... I just feel like I can't help it. I get up every day and I push forward, I live my life and each day that comes. I have been taking good care of my face and my acne has cleared up so much, I set schedules and get things done... but all the happiness and smiles I put on my face feel fake. They're just an act to get through the day without ruining others days or provoking questions about my life and feelings other just can't understand. I don't know what to do about it anymore besides keep pretending. I'm becoming a very good actress - unfortunately, it's not something I could add to a resume.
I'm going to go watch Dexter with Justin and put Noel down for bed so we can be well rested for our busy day tomorrow.
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