Today is the third day I feel good on my meds. I actually don't feel depressed and like I want to die for the first time in a long time. Things feel good. We actually have money in the bank, we were able to get things for the house that we needed, we have two amazing kids who mean everything to us, work is going well for us both, and my mom gave me her van!!
I love her van! It has the option of heated seats, air conditioning and heat, button operated doors, button operated locks, a huge backseat and trunk, and latch system for carseats!! It's amazing. I am so thankful that she gave it to me. My only worry is the price of car insurance on it. But we will see.
Today I had a good day.. Justin and I got things for the house with the kids and then we came home and cleaned the house! We cleaned the bathroom spotless, cleaned the kitchen spotless, and cleaned the two bedrooms as well. We made the other bedroom Lailah's bedroom and hopefully with some time and comfort she will begin sleeping in there comfortably. I want to get her a nightlight first though. My thoughts are a bedtime routine... I just hope we can fit it all in - time wise, after work.
As for Noel, I want to get him a toddler bed and start working on him sleeping in that in our room, as well. I feel this may take a lot of effort but it'll be worth the space in the long run - even though I love sleeping with him, I miss my cuddles with my Justin.
Well, we're going to eat something quick, watch our show, and then sleep. Tomorrow we're going to go get that toddler bed for Noel, nightlight for Lai, and go grocery shopping. Gnight!
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Actually feeling semi normalish...
Today is the first day where I feel semi- normal. I went back to work today and it went well, I picked up the kids from my moms, came home and put Noel down for a nap, cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, and then made a quick dinner. Now I'm TRYING to get the kids in bed but it doesn't seem to be happening. I haven't really felt too sad today - although, I do feel disappointed that I texted Liz yesterday and still haven't heard back from her - as well as texting her last month after my wedding but still nothing from then either. I'm sort of hurt about it but it's not killing me anymore. Maybe the meds are actually starting to work or something. I am taking them 6:30 am and pm each day.
Not much else to report on me.
Lailah had picture day today and her dad paid for the photos for me.
Noel is getting so big - he's started this new thing recently where he pretends to be pushing buttons on his wrist and then throws his fist out in front of him like a super hero and runs around making a sound like "PSHHHHH" lol it's adorable!
They are really great friends and I'm happy about it - I hope it continues on into their adult lives.
As for right now I'm going to watch a show on Netflix with my Justin Honey, then go to bed because I have to get ready for work at 5am. Yawn... goodnight
Not much else to report on me.
Lailah had picture day today and her dad paid for the photos for me.
Noel is getting so big - he's started this new thing recently where he pretends to be pushing buttons on his wrist and then throws his fist out in front of him like a super hero and runs around making a sound like "PSHHHHH" lol it's adorable!
They are really great friends and I'm happy about it - I hope it continues on into their adult lives.
As for right now I'm going to watch a show on Netflix with my Justin Honey, then go to bed because I have to get ready for work at 5am. Yawn... goodnight
Hospital
I went last Tuesday and checked myself into the mental health hospital. I had pushed Tom away the night before and Tuesday morning I could not stop crying. I cried and cried, any time someone looked at me or tried to talk to me I just cried. I decided I needed the extra help. I got in by Tuesday afternoon and stayed until today. They put me on two medications - anti depressants, Effexor - and a mood stabilizer, Trileptal. So, we will see how it goes. Hopefully they help.
So far - it's been a week on the meds and I don't feel any different yet. Yesterday I was feeling sad and today I am also feeling sad. This morning I woke up and ended up having the worst panic attack of my life - I literally felt like I could not breathe at all.
So far - it's been a week on the meds and I don't feel any different yet. Yesterday I was feeling sad and today I am also feeling sad. This morning I woke up and ended up having the worst panic attack of my life - I literally felt like I could not breathe at all.
Monday, September 7, 2015
My story of Viral Meningitis.
On the Tuesday after my wedding - August 25th I believe it was... I went to the hospital with Viral Meningitis.
I went to work on Monday at my new job... I went to pick up the kids and go home. I was having a headache and just thought it would pass nbd. It was getting worse over time and I didn't have any ibuprofen in the house so I decided to go to bed early and sleep it off. Around 3am I woke up from a dream with my head pounding. In my dream I felt the pain and I was at a hospital - I asked a police officer for help getting medication and he called me pathetic - (all in the dream lol) and I flipped and we fought. I woke up, sat up, and I was going to go to the 24 hr store to get medication for it. I woke Justin up to let him know where I would be. I then stood up from the bed and collapsed onto the floor, grabbing my head, and screaming in pain. I called my mom frantically in tears as my head felt like it was exploding. Thankfully, she answered. I told her my head hurt so badly I couldn't move and that I needed someone to please get me some pain meds from the store. She told me no, I had to go to the ER asap. Justin went and woke my dad up and he took me to the ER. At the ER they tried a bunch of migraine meds but nothing touched the pain. A nurse came to take me to the bathroom but moving only made me start crying hysterically again in pain. So then doctors came in and they did a spinal tap. The spinal tap revealed that I had white blood cells in it but no bacteria which ruled out bacterial meningitis but confirmed that I had Viral Meningitis. Viral is a good one to have if you're going to have it - the bacterial is said to be much much worse - (although, having gone through the pain of viral idk how that would even be possible - idk how the pain could get or be any worse). So then they started treating me for the pain with morphine and Toradol which treats inflammation. Meningitis is inflammation of the brain and spinal cord meninges - so the medication truly helped and was like a life saver.
I went to work on Monday at my new job... I went to pick up the kids and go home. I was having a headache and just thought it would pass nbd. It was getting worse over time and I didn't have any ibuprofen in the house so I decided to go to bed early and sleep it off. Around 3am I woke up from a dream with my head pounding. In my dream I felt the pain and I was at a hospital - I asked a police officer for help getting medication and he called me pathetic - (all in the dream lol) and I flipped and we fought. I woke up, sat up, and I was going to go to the 24 hr store to get medication for it. I woke Justin up to let him know where I would be. I then stood up from the bed and collapsed onto the floor, grabbing my head, and screaming in pain. I called my mom frantically in tears as my head felt like it was exploding. Thankfully, she answered. I told her my head hurt so badly I couldn't move and that I needed someone to please get me some pain meds from the store. She told me no, I had to go to the ER asap. Justin went and woke my dad up and he took me to the ER. At the ER they tried a bunch of migraine meds but nothing touched the pain. A nurse came to take me to the bathroom but moving only made me start crying hysterically again in pain. So then doctors came in and they did a spinal tap. The spinal tap revealed that I had white blood cells in it but no bacteria which ruled out bacterial meningitis but confirmed that I had Viral Meningitis. Viral is a good one to have if you're going to have it - the bacterial is said to be much much worse - (although, having gone through the pain of viral idk how that would even be possible - idk how the pain could get or be any worse). So then they started treating me for the pain with morphine and Toradol which treats inflammation. Meningitis is inflammation of the brain and spinal cord meninges - so the medication truly helped and was like a life saver.
The worst part was not being able to see Noel for the 3 days I was in the hospital. I couldn't see him or be around him at all. :( I missed him so much. He stayed at my moms house with my mom and sister. Moe skyped me with him one day and I was crying because I missed him so much. When I got out I went to play poker (to give the time necessary for all the medications to leave my system before nursing again). I knew that once Noel saw me he would want to nurse asap. But when we got home he was already sleeping and he didn't wake up until morning. When he finally woke up he went right to nursing and we resumed out breastfeeding journey.
Depression is overwhelming
I've been struggling... again... lately. The depression I feel is so overwhelming and stressful. I want to cry all the time - but I don't because I hate crying.. although, it probably would help to cry.
I've recently been thinking about "11 more week" - that's how long until my birthday. Last year I told myself that I would give it one more year before I commit suicide - one more year to see if life improves or if I get into a better position/situation.. but nothing has changed. Just a different job, more time away from my children, more anxiety, more pain, and a different day. Oh and I'm married now but that doesn't feel any different than any other day previously.
I look around and I hate what I see. I feel ashamed to be part of the human species. I hate life. Everyday I hate life and other people more and more. I feel as if there is no actual benefit of me living life. My sole purpose here is to make other people happy everyday as I am massively depressed caring for everyone else. I don't want to keep getting up every day barely managing my way through it while being a slave to everyone else. I have one friend - Tom, who went back to PA and I have no idea when he will return. So, nobody here to talk to, hang out with, meet up with, spend time with etc. I struggle more and more with my parenting each day because of my mental and emotional state and then I'm riddled with guilt as I lay down to sleep each night. I am so angry and upset that I wake up each morning and have to live another day around terrible, disgusting human beings - who are nearly everywhere; the grocery store, walking down the street, in the cars that pass by, standing at the bus stop, inside the waiting room at the doctors offices - they're everywhere. All these abusive people, hurtful people, people who only care about themselves and nobody else around them, lacking any sort of empathy or compassion. . Just knowing I'm one of them makes me want to jump in front of a moving vehicle.
I get up every day and ignore the fact that I hate living; and that I've hated living nearly my entire life. Every day I regret not taking my life before having kids. Every day I wish there was better out there for them. I get up and I continue faking life every day - for them. And I hate it. I do everything I'm told and taught is expected of me and most days I feel like I just don't want to do it anymore. Its exhausting and I'm not happy. I don't know if I ever will be happy.
I often day dream about going back to smoking marijuana.. it turned my whole perspective around and I had forgotten what depression even felt like. I couldn't even wrap my head around it anymore. I was always happy and positive and I felt amazing. But now it's a complete 180. Now I'm back to fully understanding what depression is and how it feels and the pain is so overwhelming that I just don't want to live with it anymore. I'd rather be dead.
I've also been thinking of Bennett a lot recently... it feels like complete torture. This past month I guess - being happy about my wedding made me sacrifice my pictures of Bennett. It really hurt me and spiraled me from happiness and excitement about my wedding and being a newly wed way back down into depression and sadness. Liz texted me on my wedding day wishing me a happy wedding. I thanked her, sent her a picture and let her know I would contact her in a few days to catch up.. but I ended up getting Viral Meningitis and being in the hospital the week after my wedding. So I texted her when I got out - I sent her some pictures and some messages, she told me I looked happy, I told her I was and then I asked how she is... but no response. Now I have to wait for a couple more weeks to contact her again and hope for the best.
I can not describe to anyone the pain I feel inside when I think of Bennett and the adoption. The bubbling sadness that gathers up inside, full of my entire being, and brims in my eyes threatening to pour out uncontrollably and never stop.
I've recently been thinking about "11 more week" - that's how long until my birthday. Last year I told myself that I would give it one more year before I commit suicide - one more year to see if life improves or if I get into a better position/situation.. but nothing has changed. Just a different job, more time away from my children, more anxiety, more pain, and a different day. Oh and I'm married now but that doesn't feel any different than any other day previously.
I look around and I hate what I see. I feel ashamed to be part of the human species. I hate life. Everyday I hate life and other people more and more. I feel as if there is no actual benefit of me living life. My sole purpose here is to make other people happy everyday as I am massively depressed caring for everyone else. I don't want to keep getting up every day barely managing my way through it while being a slave to everyone else. I have one friend - Tom, who went back to PA and I have no idea when he will return. So, nobody here to talk to, hang out with, meet up with, spend time with etc. I struggle more and more with my parenting each day because of my mental and emotional state and then I'm riddled with guilt as I lay down to sleep each night. I am so angry and upset that I wake up each morning and have to live another day around terrible, disgusting human beings - who are nearly everywhere; the grocery store, walking down the street, in the cars that pass by, standing at the bus stop, inside the waiting room at the doctors offices - they're everywhere. All these abusive people, hurtful people, people who only care about themselves and nobody else around them, lacking any sort of empathy or compassion. . Just knowing I'm one of them makes me want to jump in front of a moving vehicle.
I get up every day and ignore the fact that I hate living; and that I've hated living nearly my entire life. Every day I regret not taking my life before having kids. Every day I wish there was better out there for them. I get up and I continue faking life every day - for them. And I hate it. I do everything I'm told and taught is expected of me and most days I feel like I just don't want to do it anymore. Its exhausting and I'm not happy. I don't know if I ever will be happy.
I often day dream about going back to smoking marijuana.. it turned my whole perspective around and I had forgotten what depression even felt like. I couldn't even wrap my head around it anymore. I was always happy and positive and I felt amazing. But now it's a complete 180. Now I'm back to fully understanding what depression is and how it feels and the pain is so overwhelming that I just don't want to live with it anymore. I'd rather be dead.
I've also been thinking of Bennett a lot recently... it feels like complete torture. This past month I guess - being happy about my wedding made me sacrifice my pictures of Bennett. It really hurt me and spiraled me from happiness and excitement about my wedding and being a newly wed way back down into depression and sadness. Liz texted me on my wedding day wishing me a happy wedding. I thanked her, sent her a picture and let her know I would contact her in a few days to catch up.. but I ended up getting Viral Meningitis and being in the hospital the week after my wedding. So I texted her when I got out - I sent her some pictures and some messages, she told me I looked happy, I told her I was and then I asked how she is... but no response. Now I have to wait for a couple more weeks to contact her again and hope for the best.
I can not describe to anyone the pain I feel inside when I think of Bennett and the adoption. The bubbling sadness that gathers up inside, full of my entire being, and brims in my eyes threatening to pour out uncontrollably and never stop.
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