I've been struggling... again... lately. The depression I feel is so overwhelming and stressful. I want to cry all the time - but I don't because I hate crying.. although, it probably would help to cry.
I've recently been thinking about "11 more week" - that's how long until my birthday. Last year I told myself that I would give it one more year before I commit suicide - one more year to see if life improves or if I get into a better position/situation.. but nothing has changed. Just a different job, more time away from my children, more anxiety, more pain, and a different day. Oh and I'm married now but that doesn't feel any different than any other day previously.
I look around and I hate what I see. I feel ashamed to be part of the human species. I hate life. Everyday I hate life and other people more and more. I feel as if there is no actual benefit of me living life. My sole purpose here is to make other people happy everyday as I am massively depressed caring for everyone else. I don't want to keep getting up every day barely managing my way through it while being a slave to everyone else. I have one friend - Tom, who went back to PA and I have no idea when he will return. So, nobody here to talk to, hang out with, meet up with, spend time with etc. I struggle more and more with my parenting each day because of my mental and emotional state and then I'm riddled with guilt as I lay down to sleep each night. I am so angry and upset that I wake up each morning and have to live another day around terrible, disgusting human beings - who are nearly everywhere; the grocery store, walking down the street, in the cars that pass by, standing at the bus stop, inside the waiting room at the doctors offices - they're everywhere. All these abusive people, hurtful people, people who only care about themselves and nobody else around them, lacking any sort of empathy or compassion. . Just knowing I'm one of them makes me want to jump in front of a moving vehicle.
I get up every day and ignore the fact that I hate living; and that I've hated living nearly my entire life. Every day I regret not taking my life before having kids. Every day I wish there was better out there for them. I get up and I continue faking life every day - for them. And I hate it. I do everything I'm told and taught is expected of me and most days I feel like I just don't want to do it anymore. Its exhausting and I'm not happy. I don't know if I ever will be happy.
I often day dream about going back to smoking marijuana.. it turned my whole perspective around and I had forgotten what depression even felt like. I couldn't even wrap my head around it anymore. I was always happy and positive and I felt amazing. But now it's a complete 180. Now I'm back to fully understanding what depression is and how it feels and the pain is so overwhelming that I just don't want to live with it anymore. I'd rather be dead.
I've also been thinking of Bennett a lot recently... it feels like complete torture. This past month I guess - being happy about my wedding made me sacrifice my pictures of Bennett. It really hurt me and spiraled me from happiness and excitement about my wedding and being a newly wed way back down into depression and sadness. Liz texted me on my wedding day wishing me a happy wedding. I thanked her, sent her a picture and let her know I would contact her in a few days to catch up.. but I ended up getting Viral Meningitis and being in the hospital the week after my wedding. So I texted her when I got out - I sent her some pictures and some messages, she told me I looked happy, I told her I was and then I asked how she is... but no response. Now I have to wait for a couple more weeks to contact her again and hope for the best.
I can not describe to anyone the pain I feel inside when I think of Bennett and the adoption. The bubbling sadness that gathers up inside, full of my entire being, and brims in my eyes threatening to pour out uncontrollably and never stop.
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