Had a pretty good day.

Justin started school tonight. I am doing alright today.
I went with my dad (well, I walked with Noel - he drove the laundry baskets) to the laundromat. We ate Subway as the clothes washed. We had a good day. It was very very hot out though and I didn't eat or drink before leaving the house and the walk was about 20 mins in 90 something degree heat. It wasn't a smart idea. I had originally thought that we would get a ride with my dad but Justin brought the keys to work so we couldn't get the carseat out of the car to ride with my dad.
My dad called me overprotective because I refused to put Noel into the high back booster that he has in his car. I told him that if anyone were to hit us Noel would be killed and that is not a risk I am willing to take. Absolutely not. I think it is insane that the older generations don't take safety seriously. It's a wonder how we survived. It truly is.
Maybe that's where all my luck went - wasted on keeping me alive in childhood.
I got Noel down to sleep before Lailah got home and so when she got home we ate pizza together and I put curlers in her hair. She then watched some videos with me on Facebook before passing out.
I also cleaned the house really well today and put all the clothing away before Lailah got home.
I feel accomplished and proud of myself.
Is that something to feel proud about??
Now I am just hanging out on the couch with pizza and coke-a-cola waiting for Justin to get home... annnddd Noel just woke back up and grabbed a slice of pizza haha.
Ah, he never stays asleep for long but I am glad I got some one on one time in with Lailah. :)
Tomorrow is supposed to rain.. maybe we will play in the rain for a bit tomorrow. Who knows.

I just don't want this pain anymore. I hate life post relinquishment. I hate it.

I wish I didn't live in this hell. Nobody can understand. I feel so alone the large majority of the time. People make my trauma out to be trivial. Get over it, you're "lucky" for what you have, it was your "choice", deal with it, at least this, at least that...
Fuck you.
You have NO fucking idea what I deal with and get through on a daily basis.
I get up, I care for myself and my children, I live the life I am "meant" to live, I push my pain and my struggle to the side so I can be who I need to be for my children and my husband. And then I get triggered by bullshit that supports the reason I am in this hell to begin with and I feel like I have traveled through time and I am that 20 year old who just got home without a baby, whose milk is dripping through her shirt with rock hard breasts, who is crying uncontrollably begging the universe to make her forget.
But I can't forget, it's never going away, nothing can change this life I lie.

Want to bitch and complain about me being "offended"? Don't be the one to cause the triggers and trauma.

I am so triggered by a post that a woman made today soliciting for a newborn in a natural parenting group that I am in. I am even more angry that I had to leave the group because I sincerely liked that group and used it often. 

I am suddenly hurting again. I feel tears bubbling up inside of me. I am hurt. I don't want another woman to live with this pain and torment that I do all the time. 

I feel so lonely too because most of my friends can't understand, my friends who can haven't been around, other friends who can won't talk about it because it is triggering for them too, and my best friend Tom is dealing with his own shit so I can't turn to him either. 

I hate being alone with all this pain, struggling, and emotions, with all this stress and overwhelm. I don't want to do it...  

Aiming to be who I want to become.

Tonight I went out walking with Justin and Noel. We walked for 3 hours playing Pokemon Go and I stickered all of downtown Pawtucket with Intactivist stickers.
Justin went with his dad to look at cars which didn't accomplish anything as they were mostly all closed but that's ok. He called some family and told them about our situation and supposedly an uncle of his is going to give us a car for $150. We will see in time how that goes... but it's cheap enough to buy and see how it goes... $150 is a lot of money but not for reliable transportation.
I've been reading to Noel more often recently and I am proud of myself for that. Seems so little but for me it is so big.
I've been a lot more active recently than I have in the past. I've been walking more, doing more activities with the kids, reading more, we go to the library, etc. I feel somewhat accomplished. I am not perfect but I am slowly moving forward into being who I want to become.
I am worried about Justin starting school this month on the 15th because I will miss him a lot and I am scared that I will feel very lonely without him during the week. He will be working from 7-3 then school from 5-10 until next October, not this October. :( It feels like such a long time but I am hoping that it will pass quickly.. He is going to get his HVAC-R licensing. And then hopefully (fingers crosses) he gets a good paying job in that field.
My cousin posted on fb about an app called Habitica which I downloaded and hope it will help me accomplish daily tasks. It's a game, sort of, that rewards you for completing tasks that you program into it. So, I programmed into it playing with the kids, going for walks, normal daily tasks, cleaning, cooking, showering, etc... Hopefully it will help motivate me to become who I want to become. Because often times I feel the want to do something but don't have much motivation to get up and do it, which is my biggest struggle.

Step by step....

We are at a low point. Oddly, I am doing well.
I have been grumpy and pissy - sure. But I feel stable... emotionally. I don't feel depressed or anything crazy.
Without a car - life is obviously quite more difficult.
My mom also messaged me, maybe a week ago or so... she told me she wants to help me but that I blew everything out of proportion. Of course, I am at fault. I sent her a message back saying that her not being able to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors is exactly why I don't want contact with her ever again and that I would rather be dead.
All of this is happening with the car and both my dad and grandmother are telling me that if I were to talk to my mom again that she would give me my van back... but even as pleasant as that sounds I just can not even get myself to go back to my mom and her abuse. It's just not worth it.
I am finally feel happy, feeling stable, feeling in control of myself and my life - and YES we are struggling and life is hard.... but if I were to go back to contact with her life would still be hard and I would hate myself again because of how she makes me feel. I can not even convince myself that it is worth it due to the trauma I struggle with because of her.
I would rather be struggling than to actually communicate with my mom again - that should say a lot.

Gah, idk.... one step at a time, hour by hour, day by day... that's all we can do.