We are at a low point. Oddly, I am doing well.
I have been grumpy and pissy - sure. But I feel stable... emotionally. I don't feel depressed or anything crazy.
Without a car - life is obviously quite more difficult.
My mom also messaged me, maybe a week ago or so... she told me she wants to help me but that I blew everything out of proportion. Of course, I am at fault. I sent her a message back saying that her not being able to take responsibility for her actions and behaviors is exactly why I don't want contact with her ever again and that I would rather be dead.
All of this is happening with the car and both my dad and grandmother are telling me that if I were to talk to my mom again that she would give me my van back... but even as pleasant as that sounds I just can not even get myself to go back to my mom and her abuse. It's just not worth it.
I am finally feel happy, feeling stable, feeling in control of myself and my life - and YES we are struggling and life is hard.... but if I were to go back to contact with her life would still be hard and I would hate myself again because of how she makes me feel. I can not even convince myself that it is worth it due to the trauma I struggle with because of her.
I would rather be struggling than to actually communicate with my mom again - that should say a lot.
Gah, idk.... one step at a time, hour by hour, day by day... that's all we can do.
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