I just don't want this pain anymore. I hate life post relinquishment. I hate it.

I wish I didn't live in this hell. Nobody can understand. I feel so alone the large majority of the time. People make my trauma out to be trivial. Get over it, you're "lucky" for what you have, it was your "choice", deal with it, at least this, at least that...
Fuck you.
You have NO fucking idea what I deal with and get through on a daily basis.
I get up, I care for myself and my children, I live the life I am "meant" to live, I push my pain and my struggle to the side so I can be who I need to be for my children and my husband. And then I get triggered by bullshit that supports the reason I am in this hell to begin with and I feel like I have traveled through time and I am that 20 year old who just got home without a baby, whose milk is dripping through her shirt with rock hard breasts, who is crying uncontrollably begging the universe to make her forget.
But I can't forget, it's never going away, nothing can change this life I lie.

Want to bitch and complain about me being "offended"? Don't be the one to cause the triggers and trauma.

I am so triggered by a post that a woman made today soliciting for a newborn in a natural parenting group that I am in. I am even more angry that I had to leave the group because I sincerely liked that group and used it often. 

I am suddenly hurting again. I feel tears bubbling up inside of me. I am hurt. I don't want another woman to live with this pain and torment that I do all the time. 

I feel so lonely too because most of my friends can't understand, my friends who can haven't been around, other friends who can won't talk about it because it is triggering for them too, and my best friend Tom is dealing with his own shit so I can't turn to him either. 

I hate being alone with all this pain, struggling, and emotions, with all this stress and overwhelm. I don't want to do it...