Back to square one.

Guess we are back to square one. With Tom that is.
I'm just soooooo done. Like, I'm so sick of the back and forth bullshit. It seems that everything is good as long as I'm around when it's convenient for him. But fuck what I feel I need or want.
This time it was about my birthday. I invited him well over a month ago. He said he would come up for my birthday. But then I asked him if he could bring a game for that sat that we would be celebrating and he was like "oh shit, you're celebrating sat?" And like, yeah.... everyone works on Monday, nobody wants to be up til 4am on Sunday when they have to work Monday... since when have I EVER celebrated on a day that is not Friday or Sat?
I straight up bitched him out too. I'm not one to hold anything back. Anything you read here, I've said to him straight up. I don't beat around the bush or tip toe around what I feel and think.
So then he was all like, yo I can't come Sat I have to work, sorry they need two people on, blah blah blah, I can come Sun. And I was like, there's no point.. I'm celebrating Sat, on Sun you would just pretty much be hanging out with my kids as I scroll my facebook laying in bed, we wouldn't even be hanging out or anything together.
Only after like an hour of me being a complete bitch he was like "Well, what if I can get Sat off and come up?" Oh, so he didn't even fucking bother to ASK before my bitch fit??!?! Like wtf. Apparently, I'm not even worth ASKING for, it wasn't even like he KNEW he couldn't. He just literally didn't even bother asking. I was like LMAO, NOW? No. I don't want shit from you.
He then messaged me some stupid ass video which was the WRONG thing to send me when I was pissed off. I wasn't even planning on blocking him and just being done. But after that I blocked him and I don't think I will ever look back. I'm literally so done with the fucking bullshit.
I've kept trying and trying and trying and forcing something that doesn't seem to be working because I couldn't accept letting go of my longest friendship of 7 years. But it clearly isn't emotionally healthy for me anymore and I just can't keep feeling like I am not of any importance at all to him. He's so fucking back and forth, there and then not, he loves me then he's emotionally void, he cares but then he doesn't. I'm so done with it. I tried for so fucking long, he can't even claim that I didn't.
But wtf does it matter what he thinks of me anyhow? wtf ever man.

It's a wait and see kind of time..

A lot has happened this past week.
I got to a point where I begged Tom to come see me. I told him I could not continue being friends with him unless he moved here. He told me I was hard balling him. He said I had to give him a week to make a decision because he couldn't make a decision that quickly. I told him okay, one week. That was last Weds.
He later confessed that he was worried because we are super tight and he worried that we would get "too close", as in develop more for one another. I understood his worries because I've thought of them before as well.
I think it might have been Thursday? I brought up the issue with Justin. I told him that I wanted Tom to move here but that we worried about things developing. I asked him what he felt comfortable with. After much talking, Justin agreed to allow me to explore what could potentially happen with Tom. He said he trusted us and that whatever we would do would be alright with him, that he liked Tom and they were good friends. I believe he truly meant it too. He actually seemed really excited and turned on by the idea.
Friday night... I think it was, I talked to Tom on the phone late at night when everyone was sleeping and he was super super flirty.... like got me hot and bothered kind of flirty. It was extremely unexpected coming from him. I was kind of in disbelief. At that point I really was interested in exploring more with him.
The weekend came and went. Maybe Monday.... I told Tom that I had thought a lot about it but that I wanted to go forward with TTC for my 3rd? 4th? baby.... and that I could understand he wouldn't want to come here because of that. But I asked him to visit at least twice a year. He said he could do that..
Last night I woke Justin up to come sit by the shower with me while I sat under the water. I confessed to him that I felt I was so interested in things potentially happening with Tom because I felt sort of neglected by him. I told him I was upset because he hadn't called me Bunny (his nn for me) in so long that I couldn't even remember the last time he called me that. We weren't having sex very much whenever I tried to orgasm he wouldn't really "let me". During sex he would "last a while because it felt soo good" but when it came to me and dry humping he came quickly, even when I asked him not to.... because it wasn't about him, I guess? He can hold out for himself but not for me, is how I felt. I admitted these feelings and thoughts to him last night. He didn't have much to really say back about it.

Also during this time.... Sunday I decided to contact my mom, who I have not had any contact with since April. I called her and told her that she could come see the kids and I if: 1. she set up therapy for us to attend together at least once a month and 2. that she would see the kids and myself at my house or in a public place.
I probably should have set up more boundaries with her but I guess we will see as we go..
And then today my sister messaged me asking me if she could come over... I told her I wanted her to work on a relationship with me if she wanted to see the kids because I don't want the kids to see or be around unhealthy relationships. She told me that was why she messaged me... but I know that it is because she wanted to see the kids and that it really had nothing to do with me. So she came over and we ate pizza and played some cards. It went okay but not much different than how things usually go.. we didn't talk all that much at all.. and it was kind of forced and awkward impo. But whatever.

I guess we will have to just wait and see how things go.

FML

Well, it happened again. I have cut contact with Tom.

Honestly, I feel that he really just doesn't care about me as much as he says he does. If he cared about me he would want to see me and he wouldn't keep lying, bailing, and making up excuse after excuse. 

I can't get what I feel I need from him. I can't get what I feel I put out, in return. And that really hurts. 

I told him that I had reached my limit and that I had to protect myself. 

For me, it's not much different than Bennett's adoption, which I am also considering cutting off. It's just so little contact that it literally hurts. It causes more pain than none I would feel. At least with none I feel I could grieve and move on eventually. With the way things are now I get a little contact and then periods without and during the periods without it hurts and then I get contact again and then each time without I feel more depressed than before. It is truly a struggle.
He hasn't even attempted to contact me. He hasn't called me, hasn't messaged me on another profile, hasn't tried to contact Justin at all, and he's also not here... so that shows me how much he really truly cares. I doubt that he will even attempt to see how I am and that this will be the end to our almost 7 year friendship. 

In a different event I asked my dad for help paying for a blow up mattress and I told him that we couldn't afford to keep making payment on this rent-a-center mattress as it's $120 a month. He of course ran to my mom about it. She told him that she had paid our mattress off. He called and told me. I had Justin call rent-a-center to check since, well since when can we trust her? And they told us no payments had been made and that they have to come retrieve our mattress. I called and told my dad that mom had lied but he insists that she did not. He called her back then me back and her story had changed to "paying off the mattress next week". Righttt.... We will see. If RAC comes and picks up our bed we will truly know that she's lying but even if they don't and she does pay it off I will feel that it had more to do with my dad pressuring her than anything else. 

I've been feeling this lower abdominal pain for the past week now. I went to the walk in clinic on Sunday and they told me I had a uti/bladder infection and gave me antibiotics but the meds are almost finished and yet I am still in pain. I might decide to go to the ER but I am not sure yet. I'm waiting it out to be sure it isn't just constipation that will resolve itself. We will see in time I guess.

Small update

So, I've been thinking about our financial situation lately and I've come up with a sort of plan. So, in January Vantel is hiring, the pearl company I want to work for. And tax return is in Febuary. With the tax return, I've thought we can use part of it for a midwife, the expenses we definitely need, and potentially a doula.... and with the rest put it all toward rent. That should leave us around 5 months of rent paid. That will give us time to save up for future months rent. Tom said he would help us in the mean time. I know that he's not 100% reliable but I feel if he knew we truly needed it that he would be there for me, or at least that is my hope.
I'm also going to wait til I see my psych next to see what we can do about meds before Justin and I star ttc. Because I've read that there can be serious consequences of this medication for the baby if I were to stay on it. And I refuse to risk my baby's health. So we will see..
Not much else to be said a the moment. Not much else has been going on.