A lot has happened this past week.
I got to a point where I begged Tom to come see me. I told him I could not continue being friends with him unless he moved here. He told me I was hard balling him. He said I had to give him a week to make a decision because he couldn't make a decision that quickly. I told him okay, one week. That was last Weds.
He later confessed that he was worried because we are super tight and he worried that we would get "too close", as in develop more for one another. I understood his worries because I've thought of them before as well.
I think it might have been Thursday? I brought up the issue with Justin. I told him that I wanted Tom to move here but that we worried about things developing. I asked him what he felt comfortable with. After much talking, Justin agreed to allow me to explore what could potentially happen with Tom. He said he trusted us and that whatever we would do would be alright with him, that he liked Tom and they were good friends. I believe he truly meant it too. He actually seemed really excited and turned on by the idea.
Friday night... I think it was, I talked to Tom on the phone late at night when everyone was sleeping and he was super super flirty.... like got me hot and bothered kind of flirty. It was extremely unexpected coming from him. I was kind of in disbelief. At that point I really was interested in exploring more with him.
The weekend came and went. Maybe Monday.... I told Tom that I had thought a lot about it but that I wanted to go forward with TTC for my 3rd? 4th? baby.... and that I could understand he wouldn't want to come here because of that. But I asked him to visit at least twice a year. He said he could do that..
Last night I woke Justin up to come sit by the shower with me while I sat under the water. I confessed to him that I felt I was so interested in things potentially happening with Tom because I felt sort of neglected by him. I told him I was upset because he hadn't called me Bunny (his nn for me) in so long that I couldn't even remember the last time he called me that. We weren't having sex very much whenever I tried to orgasm he wouldn't really "let me". During sex he would "last a while because it felt soo good" but when it came to me and dry humping he came quickly, even when I asked him not to.... because it wasn't about him, I guess? He can hold out for himself but not for me, is how I felt. I admitted these feelings and thoughts to him last night. He didn't have much to really say back about it.
Also during this time.... Sunday I decided to contact my mom, who I have not had any contact with since April. I called her and told her that she could come see the kids and I if: 1. she set up therapy for us to attend together at least once a month and 2. that she would see the kids and myself at my house or in a public place.
I probably should have set up more boundaries with her but I guess we will see as we go..
And then today my sister messaged me asking me if she could come over... I told her I wanted her to work on a relationship with me if she wanted to see the kids because I don't want the kids to see or be around unhealthy relationships. She told me that was why she messaged me... but I know that it is because she wanted to see the kids and that it really had nothing to do with me. So she came over and we ate pizza and played some cards. It went okay but not much different than how things usually go.. we didn't talk all that much at all.. and it was kind of forced and awkward impo. But whatever.
I guess we will have to just wait and see how things go.
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