Yesterday, soon after my last post - my mom called me asking me to "check in" on my sister. She was threatening suicide again. My mom told me she was locked into her room. I told her that I couldn't get in the room - although I didn't check. I told her to call the police and paramedics to come over.
At the time, I panicked thinking - what if I do check on her? I could 1. walk in on my dead sister and then what? Perform cpr until police arrive? And at what cost to Verity? or 2. I walk in, I have to wrestle the pills or whatever else she plans out of her hands... or block her from leaving or try to stop her from harming herself etc... and at what cost to Verity?
I literally just got home the day before from having preterm labor and I had dilated and effaced.. all due to the current stress of my life... what would adding to that do?
I feel sort of angry at her for it. I honestly feel suicide in itself isn't selfish. I feel that it's each individuals life and I wouldn't ever want someone to suffer long term with such pain. I've been there, I get it. But I feel it is selfish to 1. not try to get help or do anything for yourself first. 2. To not care about the other people around you at all yet expect them to jump when you say to jump.
I love my sister, she's important to me, but it's not like she's ever done anything for me. She doesn't think about me, she doesn't help comfort me, she doesn't care about what I go through or deal with, she gets food and never offers to share any or anything yet we make food and always offer her food, she never helps with the house or washing dishes or anything at all.. whenever I've tried to talk to her about Bennett or my grief she tells me not to think of it, that I should feel lucky, that at least he's happy etc. She shuts me down. Whenever I go to her about anything she shuts me down. Yet, I'm supportive and empathetic toward her and she tells me that I "can't understand" her grief or how hard it is for her to stop talking to someone she loves. That feels so fucking insulting. I left the hospital after labor, alone, without one of my children, I experienced the worst emotional pain ever in my life - and I can't understand grief, pain or loss? I know that's part of depression - you feel alone and like the only person who feels how you feel but that is simply not true at all. Nearly everyone feels the same emotions. Sure - they may feel them due to different life situations or experiences, but the same emotions come up - grief, sadness, pain, anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, loss, happiness, excitement, pride, etc. We all feel the same. No, I don't understand WHY she chooses to keep hurting herself by talking to her ex. She's right there, that I can't understand why she allows the torture to continue.. but I understand the pain, I do.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Friday, February 9, 2018
I'm just trying to keep myself stitched together.
I want to cry because yesterday morning Justin took Lailah to school. On the literal 2 min drive Lailah reminded Justin not to forget Noel's carseat in his car and to put it in my car. Justin got frustrated and snapped at her that he knew what he was doing and that he was going to do it. Which - yesterday, he did. This morning I woke up and got Noel and I ready to go eat breakfast with my mom and of course, I got to my car and he had the carseat and was already at work. He is working until 7 pm today. Now, best case scenario - Lawrence (step dad) goes to Justin's work to pick the carseat up for me and Justin isn't out on a delivery so he is able to unlock his car for Lawrence to get the seat.... The scenario that I don't like is that he's unable to get the seat so I'm stuck home all day, I have to walk with Noel to get Lailah from school and home, and I can't go to cards tonight since I can't get Noel to my brothers to be babysat until Justin gets off work at 7pm.
But even still, we now can't eat breakfast with my mom and have to eat breakfast here....
Nevermind that our fuse blew this morning and I don't know how to turn it back on because Justin does that when it happens.
Part of me has been wanting to talk to my friends lately... but I feel like a huge bother whenever I try. I feel like I'm annoying them and they are like "great, her she is with more negativity..." I feel like all I do recently is complain and worry about everything in my life. There's all the shit going on with my sister, the baby is coming and almost came preterm the other day, I'm avoiding texting Liz to ask about Bennett, Justin and I are always up and down in our relationship and I truly don't know about any of it anymore, I have been struggling with Lailah and her grumpiness, and feeling bad about my parenting when I react how I don't truly want to, and it's like that's all I have to talk about - the shit in my life.
Today a woman in my birth group posted about how she's in the hospital and she's having all these complications at 28 weeks and that they may induce her early or do a c-section and that she has the potential of hemorrhage and losing her uterus, and obviously there's the risk her baby won't make it... and I feel bad for her and I know it must be devastatingly hard. I had the passing thought to tell her that she can message me any time to vent or if she needs some extra support - which it seemed she needed... but then I rethought it. And I feel guilty about that. I feel selfish. But I feel like it would just be spreading me that much thinner. I feel like I'm already about to break myself and that giving so much of myself to others could tear me apart and just take way too much energy out of me that I'm attempting to get me through my own shit.
On top of it I asked my therapist if we could have phone sessions instead - since HE brought it up in the past when I had asked him what we would do once the baby arrived. He said "I figured we could do phone sessions or whatever". So, I of course, thought that was a possibility. Well he ended up calling me to tell me my insurance won't cover phone sessions and only in person sessions. Which literally makes zero sense to me, I don't even understand why he would have to ask them about it and why he couldn't just say I went in for my appointments - since I technically did?? It's not like they have cameras surrounding his building or anything counting the people who go in and making sure they're the correct people etc. He then said "well, we should set up a time to talk once a week or so to check in for 10 or 15 mins" and to ME that sounded like "I don't want to lose you as a patient so I'll check in and hope you come back to my practice after the baby is born because I don't want to lose that money... but I won't give you the appointments you obviously and clearly very much need, knowing all I know and the stress you've been dealing with.." And so now I feel like even if I CAN get in to appointments physically - I don't WANT to anymore... which in the long run could hurt me but Idk maybe I'm starting to feel some sort of depression because I just don't care. I feel lonely and alone and I don't even know who TRULY cares about me. As of right now I feel like the only people who truly care about me are my children, and they can't provide me with what I feel I need - empathy, kindness, a listening ear, comfort, caring, support, and the like..
I feel like I NEED to cry but I don't feel safe enough to do so, not even while alone. It just brims in my eyes and it won't come out. I partially feel like that's because I'm used to pretending I'm "strong" and that I can hold my shit together. Plus there's the fact that I have to take care of everyone else and I feel like I have nobody to sometimes take care of me.
At the end of the day I want to FEEL loved, cared about, supported, and understood and I don't. Not from anyone at all. I'm sure Justin loves me in his own way... I'm sure he cares about my in his own way... but I certainly don't feel that he supports or understands me at all. Actually, most of the time I feel like he resents me or that he's mad at me.
I'm on him often about parenting and I truly feel that bothers him rather than inspires him. I also get frustrated at his lack of ability to think of the future or to prepare ahead or to work on time management skills - like today with the carseat for example. The carseat situation is perfect because it's due to him, his responsibility - yet I'm the one who has to take the consequences, not him - he doesn't get any consequence and so he doesn't work on fixing it. It's stressful for me and I contemplate if this is the right relationship for me. I love him, as a person, I truly do... we get along, it's not like we fight all the time or anything.. idk. It's not like we're "unhealthy" but I'm certainly not happy either.
But even still, we now can't eat breakfast with my mom and have to eat breakfast here....
Nevermind that our fuse blew this morning and I don't know how to turn it back on because Justin does that when it happens.
Part of me has been wanting to talk to my friends lately... but I feel like a huge bother whenever I try. I feel like I'm annoying them and they are like "great, her she is with more negativity..." I feel like all I do recently is complain and worry about everything in my life. There's all the shit going on with my sister, the baby is coming and almost came preterm the other day, I'm avoiding texting Liz to ask about Bennett, Justin and I are always up and down in our relationship and I truly don't know about any of it anymore, I have been struggling with Lailah and her grumpiness, and feeling bad about my parenting when I react how I don't truly want to, and it's like that's all I have to talk about - the shit in my life.
Today a woman in my birth group posted about how she's in the hospital and she's having all these complications at 28 weeks and that they may induce her early or do a c-section and that she has the potential of hemorrhage and losing her uterus, and obviously there's the risk her baby won't make it... and I feel bad for her and I know it must be devastatingly hard. I had the passing thought to tell her that she can message me any time to vent or if she needs some extra support - which it seemed she needed... but then I rethought it. And I feel guilty about that. I feel selfish. But I feel like it would just be spreading me that much thinner. I feel like I'm already about to break myself and that giving so much of myself to others could tear me apart and just take way too much energy out of me that I'm attempting to get me through my own shit.
On top of it I asked my therapist if we could have phone sessions instead - since HE brought it up in the past when I had asked him what we would do once the baby arrived. He said "I figured we could do phone sessions or whatever". So, I of course, thought that was a possibility. Well he ended up calling me to tell me my insurance won't cover phone sessions and only in person sessions. Which literally makes zero sense to me, I don't even understand why he would have to ask them about it and why he couldn't just say I went in for my appointments - since I technically did?? It's not like they have cameras surrounding his building or anything counting the people who go in and making sure they're the correct people etc. He then said "well, we should set up a time to talk once a week or so to check in for 10 or 15 mins" and to ME that sounded like "I don't want to lose you as a patient so I'll check in and hope you come back to my practice after the baby is born because I don't want to lose that money... but I won't give you the appointments you obviously and clearly very much need, knowing all I know and the stress you've been dealing with.." And so now I feel like even if I CAN get in to appointments physically - I don't WANT to anymore... which in the long run could hurt me but Idk maybe I'm starting to feel some sort of depression because I just don't care. I feel lonely and alone and I don't even know who TRULY cares about me. As of right now I feel like the only people who truly care about me are my children, and they can't provide me with what I feel I need - empathy, kindness, a listening ear, comfort, caring, support, and the like..
I feel like I NEED to cry but I don't feel safe enough to do so, not even while alone. It just brims in my eyes and it won't come out. I partially feel like that's because I'm used to pretending I'm "strong" and that I can hold my shit together. Plus there's the fact that I have to take care of everyone else and I feel like I have nobody to sometimes take care of me.
At the end of the day I want to FEEL loved, cared about, supported, and understood and I don't. Not from anyone at all. I'm sure Justin loves me in his own way... I'm sure he cares about my in his own way... but I certainly don't feel that he supports or understands me at all. Actually, most of the time I feel like he resents me or that he's mad at me.
I'm on him often about parenting and I truly feel that bothers him rather than inspires him. I also get frustrated at his lack of ability to think of the future or to prepare ahead or to work on time management skills - like today with the carseat for example. The carseat situation is perfect because it's due to him, his responsibility - yet I'm the one who has to take the consequences, not him - he doesn't get any consequence and so he doesn't work on fixing it. It's stressful for me and I contemplate if this is the right relationship for me. I love him, as a person, I truly do... we get along, it's not like we fight all the time or anything.. idk. It's not like we're "unhealthy" but I'm certainly not happy either.
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
more changes.
Yesterday I was in the L&D at the hospital... I was having frequent contractions every 10-15 mins for 2 days... I called my midwife and she came over. My contractions started picking up to every 5-10 mins. I decided to let her check my cervix and see if they were dilating me at all - and we discovered they were. I am 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced. So, we took the trip down to one of the hospitals.
I hated it, it was horrible. I truly truly truly do NOT want to birth in a hospital again. The nurses are calloused - it's like they've done it fifty billion times and forget that for each women it's a new experience. The nurse I had was nice enough but very calloused in some ways. For example she told me I should go to W&I if I was to go into preterm labor again. I told her I have too much trauma associated with that hospital. She said "Well, sorry about that BUT you'd be delaying your baby important care if you birthed here, we would just send you to W&I after catching the baby. Hospitals don't see moms as human - they only see the baby as the patient and fuck moms. Fuck their experience. It pisses me off. But my midwife was there to help me through a lot. She was kind, understanding, she listened to me vent about so much in my life, she offered insight and support, I really appreciated that she was there. I'm only 30 weeks atm so it was very scary for me.
I truly believe that the contractions were due to, or somehow tied into, my adoption experience. I've been pushing a lot about the adoption away from my mind - ignoring everything that comes with it. I feel like I just have too much other stuff to deal with and cope with right now. I have the baby coming and my sisters bullshit, which are the two big ones. I just don't feel equip to handle the emotions that would come up with the adoption right now.
On top of it - good news but also stressful - is that Justin got a new job. This job is paying 1.80 more an hour and guaranteed 40 hours a week. What he will be making at this job - he was making biweekly at his last job. So, it's incredible for us financially - but hard on me with this baby coming.
I hated it, it was horrible. I truly truly truly do NOT want to birth in a hospital again. The nurses are calloused - it's like they've done it fifty billion times and forget that for each women it's a new experience. The nurse I had was nice enough but very calloused in some ways. For example she told me I should go to W&I if I was to go into preterm labor again. I told her I have too much trauma associated with that hospital. She said "Well, sorry about that BUT you'd be delaying your baby important care if you birthed here, we would just send you to W&I after catching the baby. Hospitals don't see moms as human - they only see the baby as the patient and fuck moms. Fuck their experience. It pisses me off. But my midwife was there to help me through a lot. She was kind, understanding, she listened to me vent about so much in my life, she offered insight and support, I really appreciated that she was there. I'm only 30 weeks atm so it was very scary for me.
I truly believe that the contractions were due to, or somehow tied into, my adoption experience. I've been pushing a lot about the adoption away from my mind - ignoring everything that comes with it. I feel like I just have too much other stuff to deal with and cope with right now. I have the baby coming and my sisters bullshit, which are the two big ones. I just don't feel equip to handle the emotions that would come up with the adoption right now.
On top of it - good news but also stressful - is that Justin got a new job. This job is paying 1.80 more an hour and guaranteed 40 hours a week. What he will be making at this job - he was making biweekly at his last job. So, it's incredible for us financially - but hard on me with this baby coming.
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