stress with sister

Yesterday, soon after my last post - my mom called me asking me to "check in" on my sister. She was threatening suicide again. My mom told me she was locked into her room. I told her that I couldn't get in the room - although I didn't check. I told her to call the police and paramedics to come over.
At the time, I panicked thinking - what if I do check on her? I could 1. walk in on my dead sister and then what? Perform cpr until police arrive? And at what cost to Verity? or 2. I walk in, I have to wrestle the pills or whatever else she plans out of her hands... or block her from leaving or try to stop her from harming herself etc... and at what cost to Verity?

I literally just got home the day before from having preterm labor and I had dilated and effaced.. all due to the current stress of my life... what would adding to that do?

I feel sort of angry at her for it. I honestly feel suicide in itself isn't selfish. I feel that it's each individuals life and I wouldn't ever want someone to suffer long term with such pain. I've been there, I get it. But I feel it is selfish to 1. not try to get help or do anything for yourself first. 2. To not care about the other people around you at all yet expect them to jump when you say to jump.

I love my sister, she's important to me, but it's not like she's ever done anything for me. She doesn't think about me, she doesn't help comfort me, she doesn't care about what I go through or deal with, she gets food and never offers to share any or anything yet we make food and always offer her food, she never helps with the house or washing dishes or anything at all.. whenever I've tried to talk to her about Bennett or my grief she tells me not to think of it, that I should feel lucky, that at least he's happy etc. She shuts me down. Whenever I go to her about anything she shuts me down. Yet, I'm supportive and empathetic toward her and she tells me that I "can't understand" her grief or how hard it is for her to stop talking to someone she loves. That feels so fucking insulting. I left the hospital after labor, alone, without one of my children, I experienced the worst emotional pain ever in my life - and I can't understand grief, pain or loss? I know that's part of depression - you feel alone and like the only person who feels how you feel but that is simply not true at all. Nearly everyone feels the same emotions. Sure - they may feel them due to different life situations or experiences, but the same emotions come up - grief, sadness, pain, anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, loss, happiness, excitement, pride, etc. We all feel the same. No, I don't understand WHY she chooses to keep hurting herself by talking to her ex. She's right there, that I can't understand why she allows the torture to continue.. but I understand the pain, I do.