I want to cry because yesterday morning Justin took Lailah to school. On the literal 2 min drive Lailah reminded Justin not to forget Noel's carseat in his car and to put it in my car. Justin got frustrated and snapped at her that he knew what he was doing and that he was going to do it. Which - yesterday, he did. This morning I woke up and got Noel and I ready to go eat breakfast with my mom and of course, I got to my car and he had the carseat and was already at work. He is working until 7 pm today. Now, best case scenario - Lawrence (step dad) goes to Justin's work to pick the carseat up for me and Justin isn't out on a delivery so he is able to unlock his car for Lawrence to get the seat.... The scenario that I don't like is that he's unable to get the seat so I'm stuck home all day, I have to walk with Noel to get Lailah from school and home, and I can't go to cards tonight since I can't get Noel to my brothers to be babysat until Justin gets off work at 7pm.
But even still, we now can't eat breakfast with my mom and have to eat breakfast here....
Nevermind that our fuse blew this morning and I don't know how to turn it back on because Justin does that when it happens.
Part of me has been wanting to talk to my friends lately... but I feel like a huge bother whenever I try. I feel like I'm annoying them and they are like "great, her she is with more negativity..." I feel like all I do recently is complain and worry about everything in my life. There's all the shit going on with my sister, the baby is coming and almost came preterm the other day, I'm avoiding texting Liz to ask about Bennett, Justin and I are always up and down in our relationship and I truly don't know about any of it anymore, I have been struggling with Lailah and her grumpiness, and feeling bad about my parenting when I react how I don't truly want to, and it's like that's all I have to talk about - the shit in my life.
Today a woman in my birth group posted about how she's in the hospital and she's having all these complications at 28 weeks and that they may induce her early or do a c-section and that she has the potential of hemorrhage and losing her uterus, and obviously there's the risk her baby won't make it... and I feel bad for her and I know it must be devastatingly hard. I had the passing thought to tell her that she can message me any time to vent or if she needs some extra support - which it seemed she needed... but then I rethought it. And I feel guilty about that. I feel selfish. But I feel like it would just be spreading me that much thinner. I feel like I'm already about to break myself and that giving so much of myself to others could tear me apart and just take way too much energy out of me that I'm attempting to get me through my own shit.
On top of it I asked my therapist if we could have phone sessions instead - since HE brought it up in the past when I had asked him what we would do once the baby arrived. He said "I figured we could do phone sessions or whatever". So, I of course, thought that was a possibility. Well he ended up calling me to tell me my insurance won't cover phone sessions and only in person sessions. Which literally makes zero sense to me, I don't even understand why he would have to ask them about it and why he couldn't just say I went in for my appointments - since I technically did?? It's not like they have cameras surrounding his building or anything counting the people who go in and making sure they're the correct people etc. He then said "well, we should set up a time to talk once a week or so to check in for 10 or 15 mins" and to ME that sounded like "I don't want to lose you as a patient so I'll check in and hope you come back to my practice after the baby is born because I don't want to lose that money... but I won't give you the appointments you obviously and clearly very much need, knowing all I know and the stress you've been dealing with.." And so now I feel like even if I CAN get in to appointments physically - I don't WANT to anymore... which in the long run could hurt me but Idk maybe I'm starting to feel some sort of depression because I just don't care. I feel lonely and alone and I don't even know who TRULY cares about me. As of right now I feel like the only people who truly care about me are my children, and they can't provide me with what I feel I need - empathy, kindness, a listening ear, comfort, caring, support, and the like..
I feel like I NEED to cry but I don't feel safe enough to do so, not even while alone. It just brims in my eyes and it won't come out. I partially feel like that's because I'm used to pretending I'm "strong" and that I can hold my shit together. Plus there's the fact that I have to take care of everyone else and I feel like I have nobody to sometimes take care of me.
At the end of the day I want to FEEL loved, cared about, supported, and understood and I don't. Not from anyone at all. I'm sure Justin loves me in his own way... I'm sure he cares about my in his own way... but I certainly don't feel that he supports or understands me at all. Actually, most of the time I feel like he resents me or that he's mad at me.
I'm on him often about parenting and I truly feel that bothers him rather than inspires him. I also get frustrated at his lack of ability to think of the future or to prepare ahead or to work on time management skills - like today with the carseat for example. The carseat situation is perfect because it's due to him, his responsibility - yet I'm the one who has to take the consequences, not him - he doesn't get any consequence and so he doesn't work on fixing it. It's stressful for me and I contemplate if this is the right relationship for me. I love him, as a person, I truly do... we get along, it's not like we fight all the time or anything.. idk. It's not like we're "unhealthy" but I'm certainly not happy either.
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