We will rise.

So today I went into work late and talked to my manager about our situation and everything that is going on. He was extremely understanding and said he's willing to work with us. He's willing to let me go into work late, stay late, take days off.. etc until we can get things situated.
So today he told me to go home and work on getting things started to be fixed.
I came home and treated my head for head lice. Then we went to get the paperwork for foodstamps and child care assistance before going to vote for Bernie in the primaries !! Wooo hooo!!
I felt pretty sad today but my meds help me A LOT with staying stable. I felt sad but never had suicidal thoughts or anything. I was doing my best to reinforce positive thoughts in my head. I was trying to convince myself that all of this is for the best so I can finally purge my family from my life. It's the way for us to start anew. It will be difficult but we will make it on our own without anyone else's help.
We decided on trying to get food stamps and child care assistance. Tomorrow I'm going to go down to the office to go over everything with DHS to get assistance. I think we will be able to get at least the childcare assistance. Which will be the most helpful because then we can both still work and he can get his CDL license. And once he gets his CDL and gets a job we would be good.
A lot of big goals but we will make it work.
So, tomorrow is our first step... bringing in everything we need to get childcare and hopefully food stamps for food assistance, because at the moment we are living off cereal, waffles, pizza, pasta, and spaghettios. So yeah.... but we will get through this and we will succeed.
LOL my mom sent a cop over here to get her key for the van. I really badly wanted to tell them that we left it in her hallway and toss it down the gutter but we gave it to them. From this day forward all ties with my mom will be completely severed.

I will NEVER allow her back into our lives AGAIN

I can't even fucking believe my mom.
Actually, scratch that... I can. I can't believe I honestly thought she could change. She will never be a good person. She will never be a trustworthy person. She will never be an honest person. She will not ever love or care about me because she is not capable of love or caring. Every person that believes she loves or cares about them she uses and manipulates them to do things for her. My brother watches her daycare for her so that she can get paid without doing the work, my sister also watches her daycare for her and pays her, etc. Nobody means more to her than what they have to offer to her and if they don't have anything to offer they're meaningless to her and she couldn't care less about them. And she will spite them.
Justin went to go pick up the kids from my moms today and my mom walked in as Justin was trying to get them ready to leave. Noel was tantruming and Lailah was bugging him over and over "can I call my mom, can I call my mom, can I call my mom, justttinnn let me call my mom!" So Justin got overwhelmed as many people do in that type of situation and said firmly, "No Lailah, we are going home. Mommy sent me to come pick you up and that's what I'm going. We are going home." and my mom laid into him hard yelling at him psycho fucking crazy! She was calling him abusive and saying that Lailah doesn't want to go home with him because he always makes her cry etc. Lailah was in the background saying that he doesn't make her cry and she doesn't know what she's talking about and Justin also was saying he didn't know what she was talking about. My mom just kept attacking Justin, laying into him hard, screaming! Justin got the kids told Justin to have me call her. So I called her and she just kept screaming and yelling about Justin and that he's abusive and all this shit. I was like - I don't exactly know what you want me to do?.... She just kept screaming and repeating herself. I said, "This is pretty hard for me to process since dad beat me growing up and that was perfectly acceptable but the moment my husband raises his voice or talks firmly it's a problem..." She flew off the handle threatening me and screaming at me before hanging up on me. She then called back and I forwarded it. I listened to it later and she said in the message that she's "done" with me and my family and that she's cancelling our cell phones (which she's already turned off) and she's cancelling my car insurance and that she's out to hurt me. So I reacted similarly, which in retrospect I shouldn't have, but I was angry... and I messaged her calling her a 2 year old and saying that I was going to contact her daycare parents and let them know how abusive she is to their children. My brother then messaged me threatening me and I blocked him. He tried saying that I "abandoned" Lailah when she was a baby... which I didn't - my MOM threw me out!

I really hate my mom. I hate who she is as a person, as a human being. I truly feel like I don't want anything to do with her for the rest of my life. She's never been a good person. She's never been truly supportive. She only cared about me when it was convenient to her, when I was a pawn in her game that she could manipulate and control.
I'll never be in her game again. I will never be a piece she can control. I will never allow her back into our life to ruin us ever again.

From this day forward I will never have a mom again. My mom is dead. I only have a woman that birthed me and attempted to destroy me. But I am rising and she will never be apart of this life my husband and I are growing together.

Bennett's 5th bday came and went.

So Bennett's 5th birthday came and went. The day of his birthday I was actually only 3/4 hours away from him but couldn't visit him. :( I wish I could have but he doesn't even know he's adopted yet... :( We were on our way home from the cruise in FL... so I didn't have any space or time alone to think about everything, although I did text his amom. I received some photos and some videos of him which I felt so thankful for. Yesterday was the day that 5 years ago I made my last parental decision for him which was making Liz and Nate his parents. I terminated my rights to him forever. :( It still hurts inside.. it hurts a lot. I'm dealing with it a lot better this year than I have the past 4 years... but this is the first year I'm on my medications and taking them reliably. The meds definitely do help.. even though I'd rather not be on them... I feel like I NEED them in order to function on any decent level. I hate that but at the same time I feel thankful that there is something out there that can help me, even if it's just temporarily. I'm hoping that through therapy with Erica that I'll eventually be able to get off the medications and lead a healthy functioning life... but we will see over time how things go. I have a lot of trauma and grief to work through. A large amount of it is my childhood but obviously a good chunk of it is what I went through that led up to the pregnancy of Bennett and throughout termination of him. It's something I find myself often trying not to think about because it hurts far more than I feel I can handle. I seem to unconsciously avoid a lot of it when it feels too overwhelming. I try to think about it in short bursts but even that typically feels pretty difficult for me to do.... even in this post I notice that I've mentioned Bennett and his birthday and then ventured off into talking about other things like my meds and how I handle things but completely strayed from talking directly about Bennett.. It's definitely a tough topic. :/
Idk... I wanted to make a post about it but now I want to end it... so... another time.

Disney Cruise!

We just got back home yesterday from the Disney cruise we went on this past week. It was incredible. SO SO SO much fun! We had a blast.

At first we drove to Florida and we stopped at Daytona beach! It was awesome. The kids had a lot of fun playing in the sand!

On the shop our first stop was Nassau Bahamas and we did a glass bottom boat tour. It wasn't what I was expecting it would be but it was nice anyhow. We walked the island a little bit but everyone that lives there is very very very pushy. They make and sell items and they pretty much will not let you leave until or unless you buy sothing from them. I understand - it's their job it's
how they make their money and survive... but it was a complete turn off to wanting to stay there.


The ship was gorgeous and everyone that worked there was exceptionally kind. There was music, a huge tv on the pool deck- literally like movie theater style, and a lot of activities to join and do. We got lots of pictures of the kids with all different characters and their signatures too. There was a pirate night and we all dressed like pirates!! There was a character show with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Daisy, and Captain hook! The kids loved it and Noel kept saying he was going to find Captain Hook and get him with his sword! LOL So cute.

We also visited Castaway Cay - the Disney island, and it was absolutely gorgeous!!!! I could stay my whole life there and be happy.
Justin and I paid for Moe, Stephanie, Brian, Jordan, Chelsea, and ourselves to feed sting rays and to go snorkeling with them... it was so amazing - EVEN THOUGH one called "The Great Success" bit me!!! And YES they have teeth! It hurt lol. It did break my skin a little bit but not enough to draw blood or anything. Elijah came too but my mom paid for him. It was a ton of fun and the most gorgeous place I've been in my life.

  I ate so much food on the ship I'd be surprised if I didn't gain weit. I wish I could have stayed on the cruise forever. It was seriously incredible. Our server Ivan was so cool lol he was the best. He knew how to joke around and take jokes and he was super professional and nice! We all loved him. He was our server every night. He's from Croatia. Seriously the BEST. TRIP. EVER.

Actually felt happy.

Yesterday I actually felt happy. I was at work and the day seemed to go by quickly (which was great since it felt like the whole work week went by sooooo slowly this past week). But I felt happy and I'm not sure why. I felt so content and at peace it felt like. The past week I've also been able to be the type of parent that I aim to be. I haven't been yelling, I've been calm and collected with my children and I am so proud of myself. I've also been wanting to connect more with Justin and I've been trying to spend more time with him.. although, impo it feels like he's been more cranky and irritable as of lately - which is hard for me because I feel like I'm finally feeling better and now he's seemingly not. He says he is fine but his behavior says differently. He's more snappy, avoidant, and irritable. :( I have struggled a bit with Bennett's 5th birthday approaching but I haven't been letting it influence me too badly.. I've been venting about it on my facebook page and allowing myself to feel those emotions on some level. Although, it still feels too difficult and overwhelming to feel them completely. It's a difficult road and I have no choice but to continue down it. I can't just turn back. I've recently realized, as well, that this past December was the first Christmas where Liz and Nate didn't send us gifts. I couldn't care less about the gifts, it's not about that at all... it's about the fact that it's less contact, less personal.... more "formal". Less friendly and family like. And that hurts my heart. I am so afraid of my contact being cut off and I can't imagine that happening. Some months I don't contact them because it is very difficult and overwhelming, like I've mentioned a few sentances up... but I like being able to contact Liz, talk to her, and receive videos and photos of Bennett growing up and experiencing life. I like being able to see his face and know that he's thriving and hopefully living as happily as he possibly can. It means everything to me when it comes to this adoption experience I'm a part of. This next Friday we (My husband, kids, my mother, step father, his kids, my siblings, Moe's gf, Brian's best friend, my dad, and my cousin) are all driving to Florida to go on a Disney cruise. It's the week of Bennett's birthday but I am truly going to do my best to spend that time engaging and having fun with my children, experiencing the trip to my fullest ability. My goal is to form memories with my children that will last my lifetime and that I will always be able to look back on and remember happily. <3 Not much else for me to talk about atm... I'll be back at another time.