Actually felt happy.

Yesterday I actually felt happy. I was at work and the day seemed to go by quickly (which was great since it felt like the whole work week went by sooooo slowly this past week). But I felt happy and I'm not sure why. I felt so content and at peace it felt like. The past week I've also been able to be the type of parent that I aim to be. I haven't been yelling, I've been calm and collected with my children and I am so proud of myself. I've also been wanting to connect more with Justin and I've been trying to spend more time with him.. although, impo it feels like he's been more cranky and irritable as of lately - which is hard for me because I feel like I'm finally feeling better and now he's seemingly not. He says he is fine but his behavior says differently. He's more snappy, avoidant, and irritable. :( I have struggled a bit with Bennett's 5th birthday approaching but I haven't been letting it influence me too badly.. I've been venting about it on my facebook page and allowing myself to feel those emotions on some level. Although, it still feels too difficult and overwhelming to feel them completely. It's a difficult road and I have no choice but to continue down it. I can't just turn back. I've recently realized, as well, that this past December was the first Christmas where Liz and Nate didn't send us gifts. I couldn't care less about the gifts, it's not about that at all... it's about the fact that it's less contact, less personal.... more "formal". Less friendly and family like. And that hurts my heart. I am so afraid of my contact being cut off and I can't imagine that happening. Some months I don't contact them because it is very difficult and overwhelming, like I've mentioned a few sentances up... but I like being able to contact Liz, talk to her, and receive videos and photos of Bennett growing up and experiencing life. I like being able to see his face and know that he's thriving and hopefully living as happily as he possibly can. It means everything to me when it comes to this adoption experience I'm a part of. This next Friday we (My husband, kids, my mother, step father, his kids, my siblings, Moe's gf, Brian's best friend, my dad, and my cousin) are all driving to Florida to go on a Disney cruise. It's the week of Bennett's birthday but I am truly going to do my best to spend that time engaging and having fun with my children, experiencing the trip to my fullest ability. My goal is to form memories with my children that will last my lifetime and that I will always be able to look back on and remember happily. <3 Not much else for me to talk about atm... I'll be back at another time.