Bennett's 5th bday came and went.

So Bennett's 5th birthday came and went. The day of his birthday I was actually only 3/4 hours away from him but couldn't visit him. :( I wish I could have but he doesn't even know he's adopted yet... :( We were on our way home from the cruise in FL... so I didn't have any space or time alone to think about everything, although I did text his amom. I received some photos and some videos of him which I felt so thankful for. Yesterday was the day that 5 years ago I made my last parental decision for him which was making Liz and Nate his parents. I terminated my rights to him forever. :( It still hurts inside.. it hurts a lot. I'm dealing with it a lot better this year than I have the past 4 years... but this is the first year I'm on my medications and taking them reliably. The meds definitely do help.. even though I'd rather not be on them... I feel like I NEED them in order to function on any decent level. I hate that but at the same time I feel thankful that there is something out there that can help me, even if it's just temporarily. I'm hoping that through therapy with Erica that I'll eventually be able to get off the medications and lead a healthy functioning life... but we will see over time how things go. I have a lot of trauma and grief to work through. A large amount of it is my childhood but obviously a good chunk of it is what I went through that led up to the pregnancy of Bennett and throughout termination of him. It's something I find myself often trying not to think about because it hurts far more than I feel I can handle. I seem to unconsciously avoid a lot of it when it feels too overwhelming. I try to think about it in short bursts but even that typically feels pretty difficult for me to do.... even in this post I notice that I've mentioned Bennett and his birthday and then ventured off into talking about other things like my meds and how I handle things but completely strayed from talking directly about Bennett.. It's definitely a tough topic. :/
Idk... I wanted to make a post about it but now I want to end it... so... another time.