I actually like this new therapist.

Things are going okay. Tomorrow we meet with a midwife that we would like to have work with us during our next pregnancy journey. This past week things have been a whole lot better than they were the week before. I got to talk to my therapist and I really like her a lot. Her name is Erica. She seems super intelligent, a lot more intelligent than any therapist that I've had previously. Last appointment we were talking about what happened the Tuesday before... which I wrote about in a previous blog post. She really helped me peel open parts of myself to better understand what is going on with me and why... obviously because of my past trauma history but hearing her explain that what I go through are coping mechanisms really put things into a different perspective for me. It sort of felt like a "aha" moment and I felt like I should have put the pieces together before but I didn't. I'm not sure why... probably because it's about myself and I get sort of blind when it comes to stuff about myself for some reason. I was explaining to her how I feel like my inner child "comes out" and how I feel like I am impulsive and that it's hard to control myself. That I do outrageous things to feel or be heard, because as a child I feel like I was ignored unless I did something outrageous enough to get attention, any kind of attention. I just wanted to feel heard and not ignored. I also explained how I want Justin there for me but at the same time, I don't. And what she said was, I put up these barriers so that I won't appear or feel vulnerable. And that clicked for me. I don't know why I hadn't previously thought of it. It felt like I found a piece to my puzzle. That because I know that it's vulnerability that scares me that I can now work on it and work on changing it. She was explaining back to me that I have two layers of this vulnerability protection mechanism... the first piece is that I get angry and I "can't" explain that I'm upset or angry or scared or worried etc. Because admitting it would mean that I'm vulnerable and being vulnerable as a child wasn't safe. If my parents knew that I was any type of emotion I was shamed, humiliated, bullied, or hit for feeling those ways. So now as an adult I really struggle with telling my husband or others how I am feeling and what I feel like I need to get through the emotions. I'm afraid to show vulnerability even though now I am safe to do so with my husband or even my best friend. It feels extremely hard letting that barrier come down. The second piece is that even though I want him there with me that I don't want him touching me or comforting me etc. is also because of vulnerability.. receiving that is scary to me because it is so different and strange to me. Accepting comfort or love is so foreign in those emotional states that its frightening and it's opening myself up to vulnerability. It makes sense... but now working on it so that I can feel better and get through these strong episodes in a more healthy and positive way is the next step. I feel like for the first time in my life that I have found someone who can actually help me through this pain and trauma that I carry around with me daily. That maybe I am not "too broken" to be helped or "fixed". That with her help that maybe I can actually grow into the person that I want to be and that I've been fighting to be on my own for so long with little direction. I'm also hoping that this therapy will help me become a friend to myself, to trust myself, to learn to depend on myself and not be afraid of myself. I'm hoping that eventually I will be able to come off my medication and not need it to feel good or happy. We will see..