Finally - tears.

I hate people.
I feel like I'm drowning tonight.
I don't really know what is going on. I'm just feeling so sad. I think it started because I got triggered earlier on an adoption support group because I said I wished that there was an adoption loss or a family preservation symbol and some woman said something that didn't even make sense.. Idk why it triggered me but it did... and I was ok at first but then my husband left for work and now I'm here alone with my sleeping toddler... and I stumbled on a post a facebook friend made about abortion and a poster on it said that 90% of raped women keep their babies and heal from the rape and the others that get abortions remain traumatized by it.. and I then got really triggered and fed into it and said I wish I had an abortion and that adoption had ruined me so severely that I have trouble coping and he told me I need God in my life and severe mental help. And I went off on him like Who the fuck are you?! He tried telling me nobody forced me to give my baby up but he wasn't n my life, he doesn't know what I lived through...
and I tried to reach out to my best friend but food was more important to him so I gave up and now I don't want to talk to him... and now I'm sitting here crying and breaking down.

I miss my son... I miss my baby... and I can't even get that back. I can't undo my past... I can't turn back time... I can't be stronger... I hate what this has done to me and I don't know how to move forward... How does one cope with not having their child? I don't know how to do it anymore.. it hurts so much. And I have my 2 year old Noel and I love him so much... but it is so hard watching him grow because he's a constant reminder of everything I've missed out on and will continue to miss out on with my first son. And I hate that... I should be able to just enjoy him.. I should be able to just enjoy parenting my children and I can't... I am on edge and frustrated and aggravated all the time... I feel like I don't deserve them all the time, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, no matter how good of a mom I try to be for them... I try so hard to prove to myself that I deserve them and I am a good mom but I just don't always feel that way...

I'm sorry... I'm a mess right now..
Tears rolling down my face... it actually feels pretty good to release it... it feels so good to finally be able to cry..

I feel like seeing him, meeting him... it wouldn't even help. It would make it harder and the pain worse. He isn't my baby.. he is their almost 5 year old son. My baby is gone... he's just gone. He will never be back. I just have to somehow accept that.