Terrible terrible night.

I had a really difficult night last night.. :(
I ran out of my medication on Monday. On Tuesday I called my psychiatrists office for a refill and they sent it over to the pharmacy. But the pharmacy didn't have any and had to order more.. so Tuesday night I wasn't able to take my medication. So yesterday.... during the day I was ok but I felt strange all day. Then I got home and I was starting to feel depressed and a little unsafe but it wasn't too bad at that time... so I took a nap as Justin went to my moms to do laundry.
When I woke up Justin wasn't home yet with the kids and the laundry.. I increasingly got nervous at being home alone but I kept myself distracted. When they got home it was around 9:15 and I was pretty upset that it was so late. I hadn't eaten and I was really hungry but I didn't want to eat something quick like cereal or waffles because that's pretty much all I've been eating most days. I didn't want Justin to cook for me either because I had wanted to spend time with him before work so that maybe I could feel safer with him next to me helping me calm down.. so this all triggered me even more.
The kids fell asleep and it was just Justin and I awake and he started getting ready to leave and I had already told him that I was feeling unsafe, I was scared, I didn't want to be alone, that I was feeling depressed and had a lot of self harm and suicidal thoughts torturing me inside my head. I really didn't want to be alone with the kids. So when he went to leave me I felt very unheard and I felt like myself stuck inside of my inner child. I HATE when I feel stuck inside of my body. And n .2 seconds flat my arm reached out and swiped the side table near our bed and I knocked everything off of it - even the lamp my gramma gave me which shattered. :( Justin then cleaned it up and he tried to talk to me but I couldn't talk at all.
I ended up being able to text to him telling him what I felt and that I needed him.
He stayed home with me to help me with the rest of the night. We went in the shower and he held me as I cried and cried. When we got out he made me some food and I called Tom and talked to him on the phone as Justin cooked and while I ate. Then we went to bed and I felt a lot better after crying and having Justin there to be with me, hold me, and support me.
I told my mom what was going on and I asked her to contact my boss for me. I worry about losing my job but I was just not in any good condition to go to work today... especially since I was really looking towards my therapy tonight, because I felt like, idk, like it would be beneficial or helpful for me to talk to her about it, but it was cancelled because she is sick. :(
I feel a little bit better this morning but I  still feel sort of down... idk, idk anymore.
I feel like a failure. I lost control of myself. I had very little impulse control.. I HATE that my past still has so much control over my future... I feel like it's due to my past because last night when I was talking to Tom I was thinking about why I react in such a strong way. What I thought of was how in my childhood whenever I felt ignored or unheard I felt the only way to get my parents attention at all to take me seriously was to react extremely strongly. I now feel like when I get to that point it's sort of like impulse for me. Much like slamming my head used to be. I have been doing a lot better with not self harming.. but now I really have to work on this impulsivity part of it. :( I'm angry, upset, and disappointed with myself. I hate even more that I need medication in order to remain semi sane. I feel broken.. I obviously have a bunch of shit wrong with me and that really upsets me. I've been working on myself for so long now and I still am not where I want to be, I am still struggling a lot - and I hate it, it makes me feel like I hate myself. I wish I could be who I want to be all the time.