Parenting from the Inside Out - book.

I've started reading a book called Parenting from the Inside Out. And I was about to pick it up and read it but then it triggered a thought about my past coping mechanisms. I had a flashback to howout of control I used to get - how far I pushed things for just a little bit of attention and it instantly made me want to cry. I learned over time to put my life in danger or to harm myself just to get enough attention to feel like I was actually cares about or loved. Thinking about that feels so painful and it hurts. I've come a long way on reprogramming those coping mechanisms, although, sometimes it still feels difficult if I get triggered enough. I just felt this was important to journal... to get out. It stirs up quite a bit of emotion in me.

This is another piece I wrote the other day in regards to this book I am reading:
I'm realizing that when my daughter is around my stress levels goes way up. I love her to death. I'm not sure why I have this response. The book says it's due to implicit and explicit memories. It has nothing to do with her but with my past. My body feels tense, I feel claustrophobic, like I have trouble breathing, and I stay on my phone more as a way to "check out" from the stressors around me. This is step one and two. First realizing what triggers me, Acknowledging when I'm heating up, notice and observe my responses.
The second step is expanding my observations to include reflections on the possible implicit nature of my responses- bodily sensations.
I feel annoyed and stressed out.
I'm pretty sure it's due to the way my parents reacted to me when I was a child. I came to hate myself when I was little and I think my daughter reminds me so much of myself so it makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of me and my own behaviors that I was forced to stop to prevent getting in trouble, hit, shamed, or humiliated. And those things memories probably are what gives me these bodily responses now.
I don't know what to do next but these are the first few steps. I will continue to reflect on my implicit and explicit memories.

I'm still working on this part of it..