Purest of all love.

Yesterday was a bit rough. I went to my therapy appointment with Erica and for the first time I actually verbally told my whole adoption story front to back. I did ok with most of it but I started crying when I started talking directly about Bennett and my first time seeing him and holding him. I felt like Erica thought I was lying about some parts of my story though because of her facial expressions. Especially when I told her that I was told I would have to cover the prospective couples adoption fee/deposit if I didn't go through with the adoption. But I continued on telling my story anyway - it just kept rolling out I guess. After the appointment I went out to my car and sat there for 20 mins crying. Not hysterically but crying nonetheless. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to feel anymore. And I realized that I definitely don't want to tell the story ever again. People keep telling me that I will feel better, that talking about it helps, that I will heal - and maybe they're right, or maybe they are only telling me their own personal experiences and hoping the same for me. But what I know is that I have yet to feel better or healed. The medication helps keep the suicidal thoughts away. I have better control of my thoughts and behaviors. But the underlying sadness is still there - just not as disabling.
I didn't text Liz in February either... I'm not sure why.. I just kept putting it off. Maybe having the FaceTime visit just made it all a little bit harder for me. I don't really know. What I DO know is that I don't want to keep feeling the pain I do because of all of this. But then again, I don't get to choose what I feel and what's done is done, can't go back and change the past. And even if I could, I'm not so sure I would anymore. I used to say for sure that I would go back in time and keep him, better yet had never met the guy who did all this to me to begin with. But now  I have Justin and Noel and they are such HUGE pieces in my life, huge people that I view as part of my own identity - their mother and wife. I can't change this now because I can't imagine them not being in my life. I can't imagine what my life would look like right now without them. Everything that happened with Bennett, although it's the most painful thing I have ever experienced, had to happen just as it had for me to have met Justin and have created Noel. I'm not trying to say that Justin and Noel are more important than Bennett but that I just can't even try to imagine my life without them in it now. I guess I would say the exact same thing had I kept Bennett... It's really hard to let people go, especially people that you love and care about to the extent that you would do anything to put them first at all times, even if that means sacrificing yourself and your own health and happiness. Love that is deeper than your own self, your own being. The purest love of all.