Being angry is okay.

I'm so mad and angry at my parents.
I'm mad that they fucked up my developing brain as a child and they didn't let me grow up healthily.
Now I'm left as an adult trying to reprogram my brain, form new synapses, erase old habits and behaviors...
They didn't even want me.
I never felt loved by them..
I just wanted to feel loved by them. I just wanted my mom to hold me and tell me she loved me and that she was there for me and that she would always be there to help me through anything.. but she wasn't.. she wasn't there. She would just leave me in my room alone crying hysterically and hyperventilating shouting at me to shut up and get over it...
I just wanted them to love me... they chose not to.. I know that they had trauma themselves from their past... but I can't understand not trying to love your children.
I was told so many times that my mom didn't want me to be a girl and that she was disappointed that I was born with redhair.. I reminded her of my dads brothers who she hates.
It's not fair.. I didn't ask to be born to parents who can't love.
Or who choose not to.
Why couldn't my parents love me enough to end the cycle of abuse?
Why was it always me? Why only me? Moe got some spankings but she never got beaten like I did...
I was taught that that was my own fault.. If I had just been more afraid of them, if I hadn't spoken up, and defended myself... if I didn't speak of the injustice in the household... then they wouldn't have hurt me.
Most days I hate myself...
I hate that I struggle with being who I WANT to be... instead of who I am.
I hate that I am so addicted to my phone, which I am because it keeps my anxiety at bay...
I hate that I struggle interacting with Lailah when she is demanding so much from me because I shut down and get sort of paralyzed...
I hate that I sometimes yell at Noel when he triggers me by hitting or kicking me...
I hate that I feel so distant from Justin and that I often don't want him on me, kissing me, or showing any type of sexual interest in me.. I hate that it makes me feel claustrophobic and overwhelmed.. I hate that it bothers me so much...

I hate that I have as much trauma and struggle that I do.. and I'm angry at my parents, I'm angry at Steve, I'm angry that I got fucking pregnant... I'm angry at it all. And I hate it. I didn't ask for this... I didn't ask to be born to parents who didn't want me, or to be raped by a psychotic guy, or to be ovulating around that fucking time. WHY me?
Now I feel pathetic... I feel like there are worse things that could be happening..
I have a best friend, a husband, and two healthy children. I am so lucky that I even have those people in my life.. and they're HEALTHY. They are safe.. I wish I could feel more grateful for what I have...

I need to be more easy with myself.. this is part of healing.. part of healing is venting and I shouldn't feel ashamed of that (this is what my higher self is telling me right now...)

She's saying... It's ok to let it out, it's ok to be upset and angry... just because others have struggles too doesn't mean yours aren't valid... it doesn't mean that you shouldn't express them so that you can heal..

I'm trying..  I am trying so hard...

She knows.. She knows I'm trying and she's here to help me through it..
We'll get through it together.