I've found that when I go periods without writing, it usually means I'm going through some shit. And shit it's been.
Justin and I have gone completely downhill. It's like 95% that we're getting divorced. I'm sure at this point he believes it's 100%. It all started when a few months ago, shortly after Thea's birth, I decided that I just didn't feel loved, supported, or cared about by Justin - and I hadn't for a while. I kept warning him, I could feel the disconnection happening each time I felt unloved, uncared about, and unsupported. But still, he seemingly did nothing.
Our anniversary came and went, not a card, not a flower, not even just something hand made. He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner, we went to Friendly's. But, I had thought he had talked to my mom about babysitting the kids while we went out and he didn't. He didn't schedule or plan he just asked my mom and my sister ended up watching them. My sister then texted me only an hour after we had left asking when we would be back and implied that she didn't want to watch the kids any longer. It made me feel so upset and frustrated. I was upset at Justin for not planning and frustrated by my sister because she knew we were out for our anniversary. Also - Friendly's fucked up my meal twice and I left without eating. :(
Fast forward - I started driving like 2 hours away to go meet this guy named Kyle. He was an asshole but he was night to me - temporarily. I talked to him non-stop for about 3 weeks, every day, all day long. But then we met one day and grabbed dinner, then I left after hanging out with him for a bit. Then we met again a few days later and we played some Cards Against Humanity and had some drinks. I drank too much and we ended up having sex. I slept over then the next day we hung out and had sex again. I then went home and then on my drive back home he texted me and told me we wouldn't work out, but still wanted to see me and be friends. I kind of started getting weird - this "whatever, *push people away*, wait no - come back" thing that I do when I start feeling super unstable and fear abandon. He then disappeared for 2 weeks. By that time I had met another guy, Mathew, who lives an hour away, and started seeing him. The first day we grabbed dinner then I went home after we sat in the car and talked for a few hours. Then a few days later I saw him again, we had sex, I stayed the night, then went home. When I got home he was still talking to me and showing interest. A few days later I went over again and we had a lot of sex. Then a few days later he was like, "we wouldn't work, I just want to be friends" - almost exactly like Kyle did.
But Mathew still talks to me daily and we've hung out - without sex a few times, although, I did spend the night a couple more times. Idk if I can handle just being friends with him though, because I have been missing and craving intimacy and support. But he is a good friend to me and a good person. It would be unwise of me to not be friends with him just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Because, I crave friendship too. It just sucks because I am attracted to him a lot. I think he's fucking gorgeous. And I'm not typically physically attracted to men.
Then a little over a month ago, I had previously texted Liz twice asking for an update on the - is she going to tell Bennett and open the adoption - situation and she ignored both. I then texted her about the hurricane that was hitting down there and she responded to that one saying they were fine but that was it. So, I ended up texting her again and closing the adoption until whenever she's ready to tell him he's adopted and let him know me. AND THEN about a month ago now Steve - the guy who caused everything with Bennett, made a new meetme account and had found me and messaged me. He was all like "hey, hope everything is less complicated than it was last time we talked". I went off on him before blocking him and of course he denied everything. I had a really really rough day that day, I cried literally all day, it was tough.
It's been disastrous - I've been a disaster.
No comments:
Post a Comment