God doesn't exist. In the past, the reason our ancestors created the bible was to convince people to believe in a God, that God is he higher being, the creator. But he is not.
God doesn't exist.
Every religion works because every religion BELIEVES in a higher being or beings.
Everyone is God.
We have a higher being within ourselves. This is our main self, our guidance. It's where we can listen to our higher selves and hear what needs to happen.
We learn from everything whether we want to or not, we must fix our problems as humans, or whatever problems we have will come back to torture us until we fix that in ourselves. We hold all the power of ourselves but we don't trust ourselves and overall if we can't trust ourselves or believe in ourselves - we can't trust anyone else at all.
When we pray, we reach our higher selves. A higher level of thought, a typically unconscious deep, loving, amazingly bright light type of self. This is where you love yourself, understand yourself, you guide yourself to do the best of your ability to accomplish whatever your innermost authentic self had decided you to be.
People obviously want to gravitate toward being "good", problem is that people are forces to gravitate toward the "bad" because of the people around them. They feel forced or pressured by fear.
I think religion was created to help large amounts of people find this higher self within themselves.. not God.
People would rather believe in a God, because that sounds safer. People can't or don't want to believe in themselves.
We are born to have our mothers be our "God", who teach us to become our own "god", over time.
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
When I was brainwashed by adoption and not coping well
So, I didn't end up smoking. I was going to smoke with Bennett's dad but he never showed, typical. I'm a glutton for punishment. After everything this guy did to me, after raping me, I still search for attachment to the father of a child I birthed. I'm all fucked up.
Typical, whatever.
Instead I did smething else that gave me the same effect. I signed onto facebook and hopped into the Birth mom support group. One woman posted about her nephew and his pregnant girlfriend (age 15). She said they've been asking about adoption and being a teen mom. She wanted to get advice for them. I posted and said:
I would tell them that adoption is the BEST route to go... I was 17 when I got pregnant and I know for a fact I was far far too young to take care of a baby... they can't even take care of themselves nevermind a baby.. yeah, sure... they could get help from others.. but how long would that last? A really long time probably. They should finish HS, get jobs, go to college.. FIRST. Or everything else is going to come SECOND, and that baby has to come FIRST... and that is really hard. It's been 4 years and I'm still getting help from my mom and I feel pathetic about it. I feel so weak all the time and honestly, I hate to face it. I feel she deserves so much more than me... I know in the long run I will be able to provide better for her, but I stil can't shake knowing that I can't give her everything she needs and everything I could to help her flourish into an adult. :/
A woman commented back: "Personally I would never encourage adoption as the BEST route to go for teenagers."
I asked her, "Were you a pregnant teen?"
"Yes, I was. Why?" was the response I got back.
I then answered, "Did you raise or place? I raised my daughter and I don't feel it's what I should have done, I don't fee that my parents helping me was the right thing either. Plus, grandparents get way too attached when the grandbaby is always around... it truly has fucked with me. Her dads momt rying to take custody, my mom threatening me about her."
She also said, "You know, many generations of people got married and had babies while still teenagers. If you really got into genealogy you really get a different perspective on things, how we've extended adolescence way too long."
I responded back again, "And you think we turned out well? I know for sure many of my generation and my parents generations did not turn out well.. if you can't support a baby yourself you should NOT be attempting to support a baby.. everyday I hate myself for not being able to give my daughter everything she should have. It's unfair to her."
To answer my earlier question she said, "Of course I placed, otherwise I wouldn't be in this group, lol".
I informed her that she could have had more than one child, that I do. That I placed my second, giving me perspective of being a teen mom and placing young too.
"Well don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling very differently in 30 years from now, that's all I can say!" is what I got back from her.
I told her I won't because I know myself well an that I'm mature for my age. I also said that one should keep their baby if they want to struggle all the time.
"Whatever, Rachael" lol
low blow there? so immature lady. "You're only 22."
My last and final post to her read:
"Yeah. and the past 4 years haven't changed.... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel how you feel. I'm sorry if you regret your adoption... But I do not regret mine... I do feel sorry for those with problem adoptions. My adoption isn't all peaches and cream either... But one thing that I DO KNOW I will not change my mind on is that I would never want someone to feel how I have. I should have placed my daughter and I LOVE her so much! I love her to death I would never ever do anything to hurt her or to leave her, she is my entire world, my everything, as a child should bee to their parents... but she deseerves better than me. She deserves a mom who finished college, got a good job, could pay for clothes, go on vacations, & have great birthdays that she doesn't forget! And 4 years later.... I STILL CAN'T PROVIDE THAT STUFF. I can barely put food in my own stomach, nevermind my daughters. And if I didn't have my mom... where the hell would we be? We would be starved, bouncing around, trying to figure stuff out. I would be on state care, working 2/3 jobs, paying for someone else to RAISE my child. And if I had kept my son I would be struggling 10x as much. I was a teen mom who decided to raise a child she wasn't ready for. You weren't. You can't say you know both sides of it, of the story. And I have placed my son, I know how that feels too."
I guess this bothers me so much because I know how hard it is to be a teen mom, I know what it takes and other teens shouldn't do that to the baby/child, they should be 100% ready. Okay I lie, but at least over 50-60%!
I really want another baby but I know I can't have one. It hurts inside. I really miss Bennett, nothing I can do though, right? I guess my body just craves a baby. Baby fever, ugh. I want to feel life inside me again, then I want to hold my new little one against my skin. Weird? Oh well... Welcome to life post placement. I should head off the bed, I have school tomorrow, yeah yeah, fun.
(Rereading this on 1/1/2016 - the following messages will be from that date)
Good God I was soooooooooo brainwashed into believing I couldn't parent because I was already a failure. It's so apparent that I only placed because I believed I was a shitty ass mom and I wasn't. I needed up - I STILL need help, sure. But NOW I know that my children are always better off WITH ME. We're not rich financially - NO. But we are rich in love. Both my children DID and DO deserve me.... they fucked bad with my head. They really got in there and made me so insecure as a person and as a mother (the agency that is and others who pushed adoption on me at that time). Then again, at that time I had to keep believing the brainwashing so that the loss of Bennett wouldn't overtake me.... but look at the post right before this one.... I was clearly not OKAY. I was an unstable complete mess and largely due to having lost my son to adoption. I was drinking so heavily and crossfading to deal with the pain of Bennett's first birthday approaching and all the while I was trying my damnest to ignore it all, ignore the pain and suffering I had inside. I had no idea.... I was so so so far gone in my trauma. :( They manipulated me and took advantage of me to take my son from me. Reading this hurts my heart so bad for younger me..... </3
Typical, whatever.
Instead I did smething else that gave me the same effect. I signed onto facebook and hopped into the Birth mom support group. One woman posted about her nephew and his pregnant girlfriend (age 15). She said they've been asking about adoption and being a teen mom. She wanted to get advice for them. I posted and said:
I would tell them that adoption is the BEST route to go... I was 17 when I got pregnant and I know for a fact I was far far too young to take care of a baby... they can't even take care of themselves nevermind a baby.. yeah, sure... they could get help from others.. but how long would that last? A really long time probably. They should finish HS, get jobs, go to college.. FIRST. Or everything else is going to come SECOND, and that baby has to come FIRST... and that is really hard. It's been 4 years and I'm still getting help from my mom and I feel pathetic about it. I feel so weak all the time and honestly, I hate to face it. I feel she deserves so much more than me... I know in the long run I will be able to provide better for her, but I stil can't shake knowing that I can't give her everything she needs and everything I could to help her flourish into an adult. :/
A woman commented back: "Personally I would never encourage adoption as the BEST route to go for teenagers."
I asked her, "Were you a pregnant teen?"
"Yes, I was. Why?" was the response I got back.
I then answered, "Did you raise or place? I raised my daughter and I don't feel it's what I should have done, I don't fee that my parents helping me was the right thing either. Plus, grandparents get way too attached when the grandbaby is always around... it truly has fucked with me. Her dads momt rying to take custody, my mom threatening me about her."
She also said, "You know, many generations of people got married and had babies while still teenagers. If you really got into genealogy you really get a different perspective on things, how we've extended adolescence way too long."
I responded back again, "And you think we turned out well? I know for sure many of my generation and my parents generations did not turn out well.. if you can't support a baby yourself you should NOT be attempting to support a baby.. everyday I hate myself for not being able to give my daughter everything she should have. It's unfair to her."
To answer my earlier question she said, "Of course I placed, otherwise I wouldn't be in this group, lol".
I informed her that she could have had more than one child, that I do. That I placed my second, giving me perspective of being a teen mom and placing young too.
"Well don't be surprised if you find yourself feeling very differently in 30 years from now, that's all I can say!" is what I got back from her.
I told her I won't because I know myself well an that I'm mature for my age. I also said that one should keep their baby if they want to struggle all the time.
"Whatever, Rachael" lol
low blow there? so immature lady. "You're only 22."
My last and final post to her read:
"Yeah. and the past 4 years haven't changed.... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel how you feel. I'm sorry if you regret your adoption... But I do not regret mine... I do feel sorry for those with problem adoptions. My adoption isn't all peaches and cream either... But one thing that I DO KNOW I will not change my mind on is that I would never want someone to feel how I have. I should have placed my daughter and I LOVE her so much! I love her to death I would never ever do anything to hurt her or to leave her, she is my entire world, my everything, as a child should bee to their parents... but she deseerves better than me. She deserves a mom who finished college, got a good job, could pay for clothes, go on vacations, & have great birthdays that she doesn't forget! And 4 years later.... I STILL CAN'T PROVIDE THAT STUFF. I can barely put food in my own stomach, nevermind my daughters. And if I didn't have my mom... where the hell would we be? We would be starved, bouncing around, trying to figure stuff out. I would be on state care, working 2/3 jobs, paying for someone else to RAISE my child. And if I had kept my son I would be struggling 10x as much. I was a teen mom who decided to raise a child she wasn't ready for. You weren't. You can't say you know both sides of it, of the story. And I have placed my son, I know how that feels too."
I guess this bothers me so much because I know how hard it is to be a teen mom, I know what it takes and other teens shouldn't do that to the baby/child, they should be 100% ready. Okay I lie, but at least over 50-60%!
I really want another baby but I know I can't have one. It hurts inside. I really miss Bennett, nothing I can do though, right? I guess my body just craves a baby. Baby fever, ugh. I want to feel life inside me again, then I want to hold my new little one against my skin. Weird? Oh well... Welcome to life post placement. I should head off the bed, I have school tomorrow, yeah yeah, fun.
(Rereading this on 1/1/2016 - the following messages will be from that date)
Good God I was soooooooooo brainwashed into believing I couldn't parent because I was already a failure. It's so apparent that I only placed because I believed I was a shitty ass mom and I wasn't. I needed up - I STILL need help, sure. But NOW I know that my children are always better off WITH ME. We're not rich financially - NO. But we are rich in love. Both my children DID and DO deserve me.... they fucked bad with my head. They really got in there and made me so insecure as a person and as a mother (the agency that is and others who pushed adoption on me at that time). Then again, at that time I had to keep believing the brainwashing so that the loss of Bennett wouldn't overtake me.... but look at the post right before this one.... I was clearly not OKAY. I was an unstable complete mess and largely due to having lost my son to adoption. I was drinking so heavily and crossfading to deal with the pain of Bennett's first birthday approaching and all the while I was trying my damnest to ignore it all, ignore the pain and suffering I had inside. I had no idea.... I was so so so far gone in my trauma. :( They manipulated me and took advantage of me to take my son from me. Reading this hurts my heart so bad for younger me..... </3
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Fucking drama insanity
My name is Rachael, I'm 22. I have a daughter and a son. I parent my daughter and I have placed my son. When I say placed, yes, I mean adoption. I live with my mom and her "new" husband, along with my brother, sister, and daughter. My life isn't sunshine and rainbows, it's actually far from it.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.
The past few days have been days from hell. I had a boyfriend named Justin... he was wonderful then turned out to be a little bitch, a pussy for lack of better terms. Lets rewind to the 4th of July... we were very happy, normal, got along, all that good stuff. Justin agreed to come to my house for dinner that day at 5pm. At 4pm he found out by his brother Matt that their family was having a cookout/pool party at one of their dads friends houses. Justin and I talked about it but didn't come up with a plan right away. All of Justin's family left and it was only him and I at the house. We were in the basement since that was his room. While we were down there alone, knowing the house was empty, things got hot and heavy. We started dry humping, breathing heavy, our lips never leaving each others skin, you know, all that fun stuff. When all of a sudden a car pulls into the driveway and a couple people come barging into the house.
"Who is that?" I ask
"A cockblock, that's what." He responded.
Next thing I know I'm hearing, "JUSTIN!!" from an unknown voice.
"Who is it?" I ask again.
Justin sighs as he replies, "It's Tiffany."
I got frustrated very quickly. I'm not fond of his sister Tiffany because she flipped out on me in the past when I tried to offer her a helping hand. She has a very nasty attitude and personality apparently.
Justin then leave me to go upstairs t speak to her. I got up, threw my clothes back on, then headed upstairs. As I got up there they were talking. Boom. She saw me and her voice got louder as she brought me into the conversation. I tried to ignore it. Justin was heading into the bathroom where I followed him in to talk to him. We talked and I felt that I wasn't very important to him. In the background I heard Tiffany shouting to her friend, who drove her over, that I was ugly and Justin could do better than me. He didn't even try. He ended up blowing me off and left with her. I went to dinner at my moms alone. It wasn't too bad once I got home because I had fun attempting to make dinner with my brother. Justin didn't show up til almost 8 though.
The next day Justin had a court date so I dropped him off at the courthouse at 8 am. He promised to call me. He also had work at 1 and asked me to pick him up at 6pm. At 6pm I showed up but apparently he never did. Lovely, right? For the next 2 hours I looked for him, freaking out. I thought for sure he would call me, that wasn't my worry. At 8pm I found him at the bus stop downtown Providence. I was very upset and very hurt. I was even a bit angry because he had been helping me with my cousins chickens all week at 8pm but instead I was looking for him, making sure he wasn't dead somewhere. Both these things I let go.
Friday night was very interesting. We got drinks and that night we drank. I got crossfaded (drunk and high). I was outside with Justin and his neighbor and his son, the neighbors son. We, Justin and I, actually ran outside because his neighbor Chris hit his car into the stairs to his house (he was drunk).
I ended up talking to Chris about the whole ordeal, telling him that drunk driving was not okay, especially with his son in the car. Chris agreed with me but eventually felt I was questioning his parenting and got offended then went inside. Chris's son - little Chris stayed outside with Justin and I, poor kid was trashed. I ended up reading little Chris and telling him things about himself that he didn't like. I also told him to be careful with drinking because I felt something bad would happen to him in his future if he continued. I know he didn't like what I was saying because shortly after his dad Chris, came outside with a knife threatening to kill whoever upset his son. I got scared out of my mind, ran into the house screaming for someone to hide me. I ended up in the attic under a kid named Nate's bed. I hid there under the bed in the dark on the phone with my best friend Tom, crying, yelling that Chris wanted to kill me. Eventually Justin came to find me. We then went to the basement, where he sleeps, and went to bed
Saturday came and went. I don't think anything big happened at all. Then the worst... eh not worst, but a pretty bad Sunday came. I woke up Sunday AM to a morning text... Cool? Not when it's on your bf's cell and not from you.
Good morning texts mean that a girl likes/is interested in you. I know this, I'm a female. So, I had to read the texts to see why she was sending a morning text to my boyfriend. Sure enough, I found out why...
"Brb, shower..." she texted.
"I remember out showers ;) hehehe." he texted back.
My heart sank.
"like I said, if you want to." was her next response.
I couldn't take it. I called my best friend Tom to help me get through the energy pumping through my veins. He advised I just try talking to Justin about it, so that's just what I did.
Justin and I talked and I told him I didn't want him to talk to his ex fiance anymore. It's either text her or me. Her, I walk away. What else do I do here? Ultimatum... maybe not the right route to go... But how else to handle it... Just walk away? I was too afraid to just let it go. What if they ever met up again sometime... what if sparks flew? Where would that leave me? Fear...
I'm just living in fear, immature... no... just protecting myself. I've had this happen to me far too many times. Second best. They love me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them, their words, not mine. Yet, I'm second best. How does that work? So, I gave three choices.
1) Stop texting her, we live happily ever after (preferred)
2) He continues texting her, I walk away. (Not preferred)
3) I get to text a guy ad talk inappropriately to them if I so wish.
He didn't like any of those choices... So then I told him to think about it, if I was important and he wanted to work on us then be at my house by 10pm... well, he never showed up. Lucky me. *rolls eyes.
I got in my car and headed over there, furious. When I go there Chris and little Chris were chatting with Justin. Christ explained to me that he thought his son was talking about a guest that was over who he believed was a guy, who possibly could have been bigger than him, that's why he brought the knife. But I guess little Chris did tell his dad I was the most evil female he ever met. Apparently I'm like the devil or something. Reading, understanding people just must be evil the devil, a with, something.
Anyways, Justin and I went downstairs to chat about the situation at hand. I asked him why he never showed up.
He said, "It's RIPTA on a Sunday, they don't run that late."
I argued back that he could have found a ride or called me.
I eventually asked if he chose me or to text her.
He said, "her".
My heart flew into my chest and I couldn't breathe. I stood up, walked around, then kicked over his shelf of empty liquor bottles. I then walked around again before grabbing his laptop and throwing it across the room. After those shenanigans, I still didn't get a rise over him so I kicked over his expensive guitar. Oh, I finally got him a little upset. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I was desperate for him to care, to show it, to panic. I dodged towards the glass, shattered all over the floor, I placed it on the skin of my arm. Success, he got up and ran towards me, he tried to grab it away from me but I continued. The adrenaline pumping so hard through my body that I cut way too deep. I stood crunched down on the floor, bleeding into a puddle I had just created. After a few minutes I rose and then threw his laptop again. I turned around shouting at him that I hated him, that he was a liar. I started flicking my blood at him, shaking my arm at him. Yeah, I'm aware that I lost it.
Crazy.
Crazy you say, well, I believe you.
Now here I am, I haven't been back to school yet this week and I guess just trying to get over all of this. We broke up it's pretty safe to say. I have an overwhelming urge to fix us though. Although, I know he doesn't deserve it or me. He has a lot of growing up to do. Knowing this, I still have the overwhelming urge. I just really want to see him and be with him again.
I get addicted. I believe I'm just addicted to the attention, not really him, but he gave it well. I get addicted to the attachment hormone. I know this, but everyone has something they attach to. People attach to cigarettes, alcohol, weed, other drugs, their children, their partner, their friends, their family. I just happen to get addicted to attention. I know, I could beat it, win, but I don't really want to. It's not safe. yet I cling to the feeling of it. It feels safe even though it's really not. I guess because when I'm with someone, I'm really really happy and nothing really bothers me and I get caught up in that.
I miss Mark sometimes, he really truly was amazing. I fucked up. I truly fucked up and lost him. Then again, he should have given me the attention he knew I needed to keep us healthy. Yeah, excuses excuses. Whatever. Mark is my last ex, I was with him for over a year. I love him still but I would never admit that to people. I also lived with him for a year so how would it be so easy to get over him? How I feel about the situation with him probably contributed to the way I reacted with Justin.
I hate being alone, save me, take me back out of this fear. It's one thing I don't want to do myself. The one place I really feel I must rely on myself and I don't want to have to do that. I really don't. I'm so weak, huh? Oh well, got to pull myself together and move on...
I'm going to go smoke, may or may not be back later... Welcome to my journey, my new path. Enjoy.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
The start of something new....
I haven't written in a long time. I'm starting over. New me, new motivation, same mother, different guy, new friends, new life goals, and new plans.
My story:
Yesterday Bennett turned 14 months old. It's still not easy to deal with. Might not ever be. I miss him. I get pictures of him about once or twice a month. My update is that he's almost walking, he has 4 teeth, and that's about it. He's so cute though. Looks like his paternal half. He has my eyes though. I haven't really been living through my loss or my pain. I've pretty much ignored it.
I guess it's just been easier for me to get caught up in something else.
One day though I'm going to be someone he'll be proud of and he'll understand why I had to make that choice for him and he'll love me... I hope anyways.
Lailah is 4. She is so intelligent and beautiful. She loves to learn. Big blue eyes, short thin blonde hair. She looks just like me from when I was a child. It's summer and she practically never takes her bathing suit off. She loves the pool. She's bossy though, she hates not being heard. She's been getting a lot of time out recently. She's been bossy to other kids and not so nice. She's been hitting and shoving and saying mean things to other kids.
I've tried talking to her, time outs, lengthening time outs, taking her Gameboy away for a week. I feel lost sometimes but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.
She loves to play pretend and play house. She's just amazing. She is so funny! She says the most hilarious stuff, quite the personality. She's very animated. She loves to take things apart and put things back together and also for things to be near and clean. She even does the dishes, yes, at 4! lol She also puts the tv on and changes the channel to baseball and basketball to watch it. She wants to do so many things. She'll be very well rounded.
She wants to take dance, gymnastics, softball, basketball, and I'm sure more things eventually. She's interested in everything anybody does. I love her so entirely much.
Anyway, a new me. I'm finally on meds for bi-polar. I'm finally just one person. I have motivation. I'm in school for medical assisting and doing extremely well. I got straight A's last mod - 97 in student success, 96 in Medical terminology, and a 95 in Computer health care applications. This mod I'm also doing well. I got a 100 on my medical billing, coding, and reimbursement midterm. And an 87 in safety in healthcare. I'm very proud of myself, finally.
I met a bunch of great, supportive people on facebook in a birthmother support group. They are so helpful and there to pick me up when I fall down. Thank God for those ladies. (No, I still don't believe in a God). But you know what I mean.
I'm still Best friends with Tom. He is awesome. A sincere good friend. He can always make me laugh, I believe.
Random side note - Lailah has a hamster - his or her name was chipmunk, now it's name is baby bird ... LOL
Ok, back to Tom. I believe he's in love with me, poor guy. He will do anything for me. He even bought me pizza and cheese sticks the other day, from Dominos, he's so sweet.
I need him there for me and I can't ever ruin that. He's the one person I believe I can always fall back on in a time of need and he will never judge me.
So, I met a new guy, Mark and I broke up. Mark couldn't deal with how I felt about Bennett's adoption. he couldn't deal with my postpartum depression and bi-polar. I don't blame him. I was awful. I do miss him and love him for being there for me through the adoption and everything but I guess we were meant to go our separate ways. He taught me a lot and I'm glad we had that time together. He has definitely helped me become a much better person and for that I'm thankful.
Anyways, my new guy's name is Justin. He is an amazing guy. He listens to me, we get along, he makes me laugh, we're goofy together, we like some of the same music, and we get along so well.
My story:
Yesterday Bennett turned 14 months old. It's still not easy to deal with. Might not ever be. I miss him. I get pictures of him about once or twice a month. My update is that he's almost walking, he has 4 teeth, and that's about it. He's so cute though. Looks like his paternal half. He has my eyes though. I haven't really been living through my loss or my pain. I've pretty much ignored it.
I guess it's just been easier for me to get caught up in something else.
One day though I'm going to be someone he'll be proud of and he'll understand why I had to make that choice for him and he'll love me... I hope anyways.
Lailah is 4. She is so intelligent and beautiful. She loves to learn. Big blue eyes, short thin blonde hair. She looks just like me from when I was a child. It's summer and she practically never takes her bathing suit off. She loves the pool. She's bossy though, she hates not being heard. She's been getting a lot of time out recently. She's been bossy to other kids and not so nice. She's been hitting and shoving and saying mean things to other kids.
I've tried talking to her, time outs, lengthening time outs, taking her Gameboy away for a week. I feel lost sometimes but I'm sure she'll grow out of it.
She loves to play pretend and play house. She's just amazing. She is so funny! She says the most hilarious stuff, quite the personality. She's very animated. She loves to take things apart and put things back together and also for things to be near and clean. She even does the dishes, yes, at 4! lol She also puts the tv on and changes the channel to baseball and basketball to watch it. She wants to do so many things. She'll be very well rounded.
She wants to take dance, gymnastics, softball, basketball, and I'm sure more things eventually. She's interested in everything anybody does. I love her so entirely much.
Anyway, a new me. I'm finally on meds for bi-polar. I'm finally just one person. I have motivation. I'm in school for medical assisting and doing extremely well. I got straight A's last mod - 97 in student success, 96 in Medical terminology, and a 95 in Computer health care applications. This mod I'm also doing well. I got a 100 on my medical billing, coding, and reimbursement midterm. And an 87 in safety in healthcare. I'm very proud of myself, finally.
I met a bunch of great, supportive people on facebook in a birthmother support group. They are so helpful and there to pick me up when I fall down. Thank God for those ladies. (No, I still don't believe in a God). But you know what I mean.
I'm still Best friends with Tom. He is awesome. A sincere good friend. He can always make me laugh, I believe.
Random side note - Lailah has a hamster - his or her name was chipmunk, now it's name is baby bird ... LOL
Ok, back to Tom. I believe he's in love with me, poor guy. He will do anything for me. He even bought me pizza and cheese sticks the other day, from Dominos, he's so sweet.
I need him there for me and I can't ever ruin that. He's the one person I believe I can always fall back on in a time of need and he will never judge me.
So, I met a new guy, Mark and I broke up. Mark couldn't deal with how I felt about Bennett's adoption. he couldn't deal with my postpartum depression and bi-polar. I don't blame him. I was awful. I do miss him and love him for being there for me through the adoption and everything but I guess we were meant to go our separate ways. He taught me a lot and I'm glad we had that time together. He has definitely helped me become a much better person and for that I'm thankful.
Anyways, my new guy's name is Justin. He is an amazing guy. He listens to me, we get along, he makes me laugh, we're goofy together, we like some of the same music, and we get along so well.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Long Time gone, everyday is still a new beginning.
So, I haven't posted in a long time. My new beginning was supposed to be me moving away with my boyfriend and living a happy life, but that just didn't happen. He is now my ex. It's a really long story. Basically, he moved away.. loved his "new life" better without me. Told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore and wasn't going to choose to be with me, or not with me. We eventually broke up and I went psycho. Literally. I just lost my mind.
Anyways, I guess the past is the past.. but I got back up and started another new beginning. Last night I was talking to a friend. I said, We all fall down, we just have to get back up. A child falls how many times when he/she's learning to walk? Yeah, plenty of times? They might resort back to crawling for a while too, but we always got back up and tried again ! Right? Of course, and if we didn't have to motivation, we never would have got anywhere.
Well, here we are in the future.. I'm stuck in the middle of a very complicated situation.. with a new guy I'm seeing. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should wait around for this guy, for God knows how long. I wanted to, I wanted to so so bad. I miss him, I might have even fallen for him... Or am in the process of. But, it's recently turned into a drama fest because of a member of his family.. How can I compete with people he grew up around? I don't even think I can handle it? Last night a friend of mine and myself we went over every single scenario we could possibly think of, and most of them didn't end well. Oh well, thank you life. Well, if one window closes, I just have to open another one, right?
Anyways, I guess I'm the kind of person who just likes to pretend things don't happen and once they're "over" I pretend to move on. I hate to feel "weak". I'm still working on my complaining though. WHILE things are not the way I'm happy with, I bring it up to everyone possible. I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess, reassurance.. I guess.. I don't know. I don't know why I do it. My mind just seems to run a billion thoughts a minute and whatever the problem is just stuck on my mind, replaying and replaying and I just feel more anxious and more sick. I just, I can't deal with it, I don't want to deal with it.. I guess I just try so hard to get out.
Today, I'm just trying to live in the now, no matter how stressed and anxious I feel. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and it just might bring the end to something I felt could have been a good thing.
On another note, the other night when I broke down I realize most of the pain inside that I feel, revolves around me feeling that my son was taken from me, that I'm mad at my ex for lying and taking everything I had and leaving me struggling to get back on my feet, and wondering why things always have to end so harshly. I always knew the world was a cruel place. I guess, I just didn't think it could be this cruel.
Anyways, I guess the past is the past.. but I got back up and started another new beginning. Last night I was talking to a friend. I said, We all fall down, we just have to get back up. A child falls how many times when he/she's learning to walk? Yeah, plenty of times? They might resort back to crawling for a while too, but we always got back up and tried again ! Right? Of course, and if we didn't have to motivation, we never would have got anywhere.
Well, here we are in the future.. I'm stuck in the middle of a very complicated situation.. with a new guy I'm seeing. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should wait around for this guy, for God knows how long. I wanted to, I wanted to so so bad. I miss him, I might have even fallen for him... Or am in the process of. But, it's recently turned into a drama fest because of a member of his family.. How can I compete with people he grew up around? I don't even think I can handle it? Last night a friend of mine and myself we went over every single scenario we could possibly think of, and most of them didn't end well. Oh well, thank you life. Well, if one window closes, I just have to open another one, right?
Anyways, I guess I'm the kind of person who just likes to pretend things don't happen and once they're "over" I pretend to move on. I hate to feel "weak". I'm still working on my complaining though. WHILE things are not the way I'm happy with, I bring it up to everyone possible. I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess, reassurance.. I guess.. I don't know. I don't know why I do it. My mind just seems to run a billion thoughts a minute and whatever the problem is just stuck on my mind, replaying and replaying and I just feel more anxious and more sick. I just, I can't deal with it, I don't want to deal with it.. I guess I just try so hard to get out.
Today, I'm just trying to live in the now, no matter how stressed and anxious I feel. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and it just might bring the end to something I felt could have been a good thing.
On another note, the other night when I broke down I realize most of the pain inside that I feel, revolves around me feeling that my son was taken from me, that I'm mad at my ex for lying and taking everything I had and leaving me struggling to get back on my feet, and wondering why things always have to end so harshly. I always knew the world was a cruel place. I guess, I just didn't think it could be this cruel.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Happy birthday !
Technically yesterday, the 10th, was my baby girl's birthday ! She turned 4 ! I can not believe she is already 4! They grow up so fast. I could never explain my feelings for her and the only people who could ever understand or know how I feel are people who have children and love them to death. She is my absolute everything, she is what gets me through each difficult day, she's the face I stare at before I fall asleep at night, the one I read bedtime stories to every night, the one who I feel I could never live without. Watching her grow up has been an amazing thing for me. To watch this innocent little baby turn into this adorable, smart, beautiful, kind, warm, bright, just perfect, little girl. She is the light to my tunnel and everything I do in life, I do for her. She has became my purpose, my dedication, giving my love to her is my ambition in life, she's everything I ever could have asked for. Crazy mom? Maybe. Writing this I have tears in my eyes. Why does she have to grow up so fast? I guess I just have to treasure her while I have her. <3
On another note, Mark went and looked at furniture today. He purchased a bedroom set. Our first bedroom set, that is all ours! It'll be delivered next Weds. Other than that, nothing really new with the moving situation just yet. He's still sleeping on an air mattress and the fridge is full of beer and pizza rolls. LOL. I love him so much. Along with Lailah, he completes my life ! Although, another baby in the future would be a blessing too ! ;] But sometimes I forget all that I have already and everything I'm working so hard for. ...
... I just wrote a really long thing and my computer erased it. Yeah, not the most exciting feeling in the world.
I'm going to skip some of what I said.. anyways.
Today I didn't see much of Lai because I had work.. but after work at 7:30 I brought her to eat at Friendly's and they sang the happy birthday song to her, her face was just priceless ! She looked so confused like, how do you know it's my birthday? LOL, so cute ! And today for the first time, I watched her write her name on her Friendly's paper, perfectly ! Well, as perfect as a 4 year old could do anyways ! It was great. I am so proud of her !!
Well, it's late, or early, however you look at it. I should be off to bed.. Goodnight :]
Got my baby girl sleeping next to me and my lovely bf fell asleep on cam, so at least I can feel like he's here. <3
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Into the future we go.
This is my new beginning. Into my future we go.
Today was the start of something new. My boyfriend Mark has taken his flight down to FL where I'll eventually be moving too. He got down there and sent me photos of our new home ! We're renting out an apartment/complex place. It looks so nice ! There is so much to do down there. I'm really excited to start this new path of life.
The day started off like this: Woke up, Mark had "lost" his wallet and passport (which had his only photo ID), we looked for it for hours with no luck, his mom gave him his original birth certificate and his social security card, and off to the airport I drove him. I found out today that he was originally named something else than his name now. His parents apparently changed it 10 months into his life. LOL. I honestly wonder why. Anyways, I gave him a kiss as I held back the tears. I drove to my moms house, where my daughter was staying for the night before and tried to sleep a bit before work. At around 12:30 I woke up, made breakfast, and then went to my aunts (where I'm living for now until I move) to bring all the clothes and stuff to that I had from Marks house. After I had finished bringing everything up to the room I'm staying in I went off to work. Later Mark and I talked on the phone, his mom had found his wallet and passport right on the dresser in his room, weird. LOL apparently we're both blind !
Now, the end of the day has been like this: After work,I picked up my daughter, went to my aunts to eat, then I went to dance with my daughter. ( I do jazz and ballet, I'm in competition until I leave.) She loved to watch me dance ! I kept laughing because she was trying to copy me while I was in the middle of routines ! She's so sweet ! After dance we came back to my aunts, where we are now, and she played with some little kid makeup she got for Christmas, ate a piece of candy, and then we went to brush our big girl teeth ! Once we got back up to our room she was exhausted (I think from running around the studio with another 3 year old having fun! ) she laid herself down and passed out. LOL Oh darn ! That reminds me. :[ She didn't have her last dose of medicine tonight for the infection in her index finger. She hurt her finger at my moms and then was biting on it and caused an infection, the doctor put her on a medication twice a day for 10 days. I guess I'll have to give it to her in the morning because she is like, dead asleep.
Well, goodnight people.
Today was the start of something new. My boyfriend Mark has taken his flight down to FL where I'll eventually be moving too. He got down there and sent me photos of our new home ! We're renting out an apartment/complex place. It looks so nice ! There is so much to do down there. I'm really excited to start this new path of life.
The day started off like this: Woke up, Mark had "lost" his wallet and passport (which had his only photo ID), we looked for it for hours with no luck, his mom gave him his original birth certificate and his social security card, and off to the airport I drove him. I found out today that he was originally named something else than his name now. His parents apparently changed it 10 months into his life. LOL. I honestly wonder why. Anyways, I gave him a kiss as I held back the tears. I drove to my moms house, where my daughter was staying for the night before and tried to sleep a bit before work. At around 12:30 I woke up, made breakfast, and then went to my aunts (where I'm living for now until I move) to bring all the clothes and stuff to that I had from Marks house. After I had finished bringing everything up to the room I'm staying in I went off to work. Later Mark and I talked on the phone, his mom had found his wallet and passport right on the dresser in his room, weird. LOL apparently we're both blind !
Now, the end of the day has been like this: After work,I picked up my daughter, went to my aunts to eat, then I went to dance with my daughter. ( I do jazz and ballet, I'm in competition until I leave.) She loved to watch me dance ! I kept laughing because she was trying to copy me while I was in the middle of routines ! She's so sweet ! After dance we came back to my aunts, where we are now, and she played with some little kid makeup she got for Christmas, ate a piece of candy, and then we went to brush our big girl teeth ! Once we got back up to our room she was exhausted (I think from running around the studio with another 3 year old having fun! ) she laid herself down and passed out. LOL Oh darn ! That reminds me. :[ She didn't have her last dose of medicine tonight for the infection in her index finger. She hurt her finger at my moms and then was biting on it and caused an infection, the doctor put her on a medication twice a day for 10 days. I guess I'll have to give it to her in the morning because she is like, dead asleep.
Well, goodnight people.
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