Made it to 33 weeks!

Today is Weds and I am 33 weeks pregnant ! I've made it through another 2 weeks, keeping this little one inside of me. :) Another 4 weeks would be great ! I really want baby as healthy as can be so he or she can come right home with me. <3 I'm looking forward to breastfeeding, cuddling, and watching this new baby grow. :) I had an u/s yesterday where I was told that baby is estimating about 4lbs 5oz !! Healthy baby! Part of me is super excited but the other part is freaking out. I don't even remember how to take care of a baby. I'm nervous about it. I just want to be the best mom I can be.

A few things about Lailah. :) We are leaving soon to go to Lailah's friend Bella's Birthday party! I hope she enjoys it and that Bella like the gift Lailah picked out for her. Also - she called her dad yesterday and he asked me if Lailah could go with his parents for Thanksgiving to visit him. Now that means that she would be leaving on my birthday, miss Thanksgiving with me, and could potentially miss out on the arrival of her sibling. And as much as I want to say No, absolutely not! You don't even deserve her! I don't want to be the thing standing in the way of her seeing her dad when she's shared with me how much she misses him and wishes that he'd come home to her. I can't be selfish with her for her own benefit. So, today I talked to her and I told her about my birthday, Thanksgiving, and her siblings arrival.

She thought about it and said, "I don't care. I just don't know I guess. Because if I make a choice then I want to say both. I want to stay with you but I also want to see my dad and I know that I can't choose both so - I don't know."
She's so smart. So I let her know that it's a difficult decision and that she doesn't have to figure it all out right now, that she has time to think about it. She then said that she would really like to go see her dad but that having time to think about it is nice in case she changes her mind.
She's so grown up and intelligent I can't believe it. <3
Also - she did really well with her homework today and I was really proud of her, even though it took her a while of me repeating myself for her to really listen and try to understand it.
I'm going to soon be crocheting her a Lalaloopsy hat - I hope it comes out well. :)

I crocheted an Elmo hat for Bennett for Christmas! It's so cute and I'm so happy. It might be a little big on him, but I'm hoping it'll be okay and that they'll put it on him this winter! :) I want to also crochet Liz a hat - I really hope she likes it! :)

Preterm labor and kindergarten issues.

I'm annoyed and frustrated and angry. I wrote up a big post and before being able to save it my computer shut down all my pages. -.- So everything I wrote got erased. Gone. >.<

So here we go again.
Friday I was getting contractions every 3-6 mins. I went to triage and sat in the waiting room for 4 hours before being seen. When I was first checked I was 1cm and 25% effaced. An hr and 45 mins later I was rechecked and I was 2cms and 50% effaced. So then I was put on Magnesium and some other medications to help slow contractions and help with babies development - along with steroids for babys lungs. I was eventually sent home Sunday afternoon after becoming stable at the 2cms and 50%.
Today I had a drs appt where I was rechecked and I'm still stable so, yay ! I was also scheduled to see my doctor next Mon and then have an U/s next Tuesday. Happy to see baby again. :)

I can't even remember what else I was writing on here...

I do know I wanted to mention that Lailah's been telling me that she's been getting bullied at school by a little girl named Emily. Apparently Emily tells all the other little girls that they can't be friends with Lailah if they want to be friends with her. Lailah told me that at the end of last week Emily pushed her and she fell and hit her head on the desk - giving her a bruise. She said that at gym Emily will step on her fingers on purpose. I just really don't like what I hear about Emily.
I understand Lailah can be difficult and snobby or whatever - but then her teacher should be informing me so that I can handle it at home before other children get physical with her. You know?

I think this belongs here...

Last friday I went into preterm labor. :(
I was 31w2d.
I brought Lailah to school, came home and napped, picked Lailah back up from school, then watched a couple daycare kids for my mom for an hour. Nothing too much. But I started getting contractions every 3-6 mins for 2 hours. I tried lying down, drinking water, resting... but nothing stopped them. So I headed to the ER. I sat in the triage for 4 hours. -.-
Eventually I was seen - around 9:30 or so. I was checked and I was 1cm dilated and 25% effaced. So they hooked me up to a monitor for an hour and 45 mins. When they came back and checked me again I was 2cms dilated and 50% effaced. So they started magnesium and some pill medication to stop contractions and for brain development.They then brought me down to labor room. All night I contracted every 5 minutes. I finally fell asleep around 5am and woke up at around 8am. I was rechecked and everything was the same so they brought me back to another room.
I was discharged Sunday afternoon around 4.

Then today I went to my doctors office and seen a doctor (not mine though) and she said I was still 2 and 50, so stable. Which is good!
Tomorrow I will be 32 weeks. :) I have another drs appt (with my dr) next Monday, then my progesterone and an u/s next Tuesday. So happy to see baby again. :)

From yucky to blessed.

A few things on my mind. I'll start with the worst and head into the best. :)
Well - yesterday I started getting a bad pain right under my ribs, above my belly button by an inch or so - from the center to the right. A sharp dull pain. I ignored it at first but it's apparently only gotten worse. It hurts so bad ! I believe it's RLP, baby is moving, heartbeat was good at my progesterone shot appt today, so no big concerns. But geeze ! Really?! So much pain. :( Baby also seems to be lodged up in there - right where it's hurting, nice and tight. Fun, fun.
I have only 4 more shots left of progesterone ! Yikes ! This can't be happening. I can not be having another baby. How am I having another baby? What if I don't know how? What if the baby screams all the time and I can't handle it? What if I feel that my own baby hates me? :( I am full of worries and fears. I want to bond with my baby, love my baby, cuddle my baby ! I want to breastfeed and babywear and bond. I just really want to bond. I guess I'm afraid of not bonding. :/

Onto the next child - Lailah came out of school crying today. She told me a little boy named Marshall bent her fingers back and cracked them hard while she was standing in line waiting to exit the school. :( I kissed them better and I talked to her about what had happened. Apparently this little boy is nothing but mean to her. I told her 1. Avoid him. 2. If he keeps going near her to tell him, "stay away from me" and "don't touch me". 3. To tell the teacher that he is harmful to her and that she does not want to be near him. and last resort 4. If he hurts her again, to hurt him back and yell, "I said ! Don't touch me!" If it continues during the next week or two I will be talking to the teacher about it and then the principal if I need to. Otherwise, she's doing well. A bit crabby but hey! She's 5 and adjusting to a new life that was set in front of her, can't say I blame her.

Next child.... Bennett. Today I texted Liz and asked for some pictures as I normally do around the 15th of the month. She said she had sent me some already 10 mins prior. I didn't get any texts. She said, "Hmm, well I'll resend them." I don't really know why but I felt lied to and I felt like crying. I felt hurt. I don't trust that she really did try to send me pictures. It doesn't make sense either - we both have Iphones so it would have said "sent" and "read" if I had read them - or gotten them. So, I'm just not buying it. But she did end up sending me some pictures.

     

So cute !

     

       Happy !

               He looks excited :)                        Looking JUST like Lailah here.

  

Then Liz and I had a little heart to heart...

I said, "It's amazing being able to watch them grow! Thank you for allowing me glimpses into your lives. It means a lot to me to also be able to watch him grow."
She responded,
"You are an important part of our family and I am so happy to have you share in the joy that you made possible for us! <3"
I then responded,
"I'm happy you view me that way. :) Lailah's been talking about Bennett lately. She says she loves him and misses him and is happy he's happy. She also says he's so cute!   really hope our bond and relationship continues to grow over the years. <3 you all mean a lot to me. Not a day passes where I'm not thinking of Bennett and you guys."
She responded,
"You mean a lot to us. Bennett is too important and loved so much for us not to be anything but close. It's important that he knows you and the amazing person you are. We are in this together! You're stuck with me for life - lol! ;)"
I then said back,
"I'm really happy to hear that. <3 I can't imagine not knowing what's going on with Bennett and as much as I know he's loved by you so much and very well cared for, it just scared me not to know. It's difficult for other people to understand how I feel about Bennett and I can't say I blame them. I know Bennett is where he's meant to be and I trust you and Nate, but in my heart and soul I can't help but to love Bennett no matter how far away he is. <3 I hope that my love for him just strengthens our relationship and that you are okay with it."
She answered,
"It's a good thing for you to love him. He's special! We have a pretty unique situation.  think most people don't understand what it's like to be in our kind of relationship because they have never experienced it before. I think what we have is awesome and honesty I wouldn't trade or change my life/situation for anything! I love Bennett. I am blessed to know you! You, in many ways have made me a better person. You had enough faith in me/us to give us Bennett to raise. Thank you! You will always be apart of our lives!"
I then cut the convo by saying,
"<3 thank you for loving him how you do and for accepting me. I hope you give him kisses for me in the morning and let him know he's very very loved. <3 I'm off to bed. Im glad we got to have this talk. Sweet dreams. :)"

I don't know where adoption will lead me but I hope everyday that it won't be darkness.

3 and counting.

"Hi Rachael, Thank you for your posts on the longer-term effects of adoption! They have helped to shape my hubby's and my thinking on adoption and challenge us now to work to help families stay together -- and to understand foster parenting more now as a means of serving and providing for the needs of families and children who will hopefully be reunited. Your posts also challenge us to keep our baby even though I am worried about DH and me running into financial challenges that, if severe enough, could result in us losing our home in a year or so. Were it not for folks like you posting these articles and writing from your heart, I'd feel a lot more lost. Thank you for helping to educate folks like me. Thank you for helping give worried and confused moms like me hope, clarity and a voice in a sea of pro-adoption voices. = )"

Thank you for your posts on adoption. I am 28, pregnant and just left my boyfriend who was becoming increasingly abusive. I couldn't bring myself to abort, and now I am faced w being a single mother or adoption. It's posts like yours that are helping me make a decision. The pregnancy has been hell bc of my relationship, but the thought of "giving her away" seems unconscionable. When I am 46 she will be raised. I plan to have one child at this point. ....I realized too late how horrible an option adoption would be...I can't picture "giving her up", but I am dreading the life that lays before me. Got to scrape myself off the pavement and start working...."

That makes 3 moms that I have convinced them that keeping their child is what is best. Keeping families intact. Unfortunately the other post was deleted so I can not get the actual quote of the mother saying that she has chosen to keep her baby. But I wish I could have had it.
I'm going to start keeping track right here.

Strange dreams - baby update, life update.

Okay.... *sigh*
I haven't been around in a while.. so here goes.

I went to my 30 week baby appt on Tuesday. Can you believe I'm 30 weeks already?! I can't!! Baby's heartbeats are in 130's and sounding good. I was checked for dilation and I am not dilated ! Yay ! That's good news, because I don't want to go into preterm labor. Doctor said my last u/s looked great and baby is measuring great.
Little Penguin squirms a lot lol. Not too many kicks anymore but lots of rolling and hiccups. Sometime the force of a jut makes me jump - it's really not too comfortable lol.
It's crazy that I have a living being inside of me that will be here in just a couple months.
About 7-10 weeks left to go !

I am crazy scared about this baby coming. I keep having dreams that I forget I even have a baby, I forget to feed it, change it, care for it at all. I keep dreaming that I forget his/her name and I rename her - only to forget again. Lately in my dreams Lil Penguin has been a girl. A beautiful little baby girl with curly brown hair and big green eyes. Just like her daddy. But who knows ! Maybe baby is a boy - I just see boys from the back in hats. I just want to be a great mom to this baby. I want to be able to be there for him/her and love him/her as a mommy should. Not that I believe I won't... I'm just nervous I guess.

Last night I also had a dream that I was talking to people at the Dunkin Donuts drive through window about Lailah and a stranger said, "Treasure her, raise her right." And I went on a rave about how much she means to me, how she's my little girl and she's saved me. That she's bright, smart, beautiful, compassionate - all those great mommy love thoughts LOL. Then there were all these - what appeared to be moons in the sky - which began shooting across the sky. People were coming outdoors from inside curious about them, until they started raining down on us. There were big pumpkin sized (about maybe a 3-6lb pumpkin) white balls, flying out of the sky at us. I sheltered my body over Lailah and ran for the closest door I could find. Didn't make it to the door before waking up with a racing heart and panic though. Maybe it has something to do with a new baby coming and having Lailah be the big sister and not my little baby anymore, idk.

I've been trying not to think too much about Bennett and the adoption stuff - it makes me feel pretty depressed. I talked to some friends about him and the adoption the other night and I let out a good cry. I felt hurt that the people I thought could help me the most didn't care to be there for me or listen to me. Let's me know who my true friends are I guess. Tom talked to me, my aunt Cindy really helped, and Tiffany. I don't know if these people will always be around in my life but I'm grateful that I have them now, while I do. So... I'm just going to avoid talking about this anymore for today.

I've started getting some of Lailah's Christmas gifts. Got her a big dollhouse, some dolls to go with it, hair chalk, and a baby doll play set. I really hope she enjoys Christmas.

Angry and hurting

I feel emotionally crappy tonight. I feel like crying. I just feel so sad. I can't think very much - all I can do is feel.
I'm hurting inside. At the moment I just want support - someone to listen to me and I feel like I don't have that. It hurts. I am there for SO many people. I listen to them, encourage them, I give feedback, and I do everything in my power to help them and empathize with them. But when I need someone - nobody is around and nobody seems to care. I can scream I need support from the roof tops and suddenly it seems that nobody in the world exists - they all simply vanish from my life until they need me.
I feel like lashing out on people next time they come to me for support. Telling them I'm done and that I can't take the constant bitching and wanting of my support when I get no acknowledgement in return. I'm hurting too ! I'm hurting and I am STILL there for them, why can't they be there for me as well? I understand they may be hurting but can't they just put aside how they feel for a little while - just as I constantly do for them?!
I know I have Justin and I love him to death and he would listen to me, but I know he doesn't know what to say and I know that all I would do is hurt him as well and I don't want to make him feel bad and down low before the baby comes. I need him to remain positive and happy for when baby gets here because I'm unsure if I'll be able to play that role.

Evolving.

I've been feeling sort of sad lately. So many flashbacks, memories, the past eating me alive. It seems to taunt me - bringing me down.
I know I have the strength not to let it and to keep moving forward - but when it hits hard, I just feel so entirely out of energy. So drained that I forget that I don't have to feel those ways and that none of it is true.
I am not happy with my past but I can be happy with my future. If I don't move forward I will never find my happiness, it will never be created. Now, that's not the same as being happy in the moment - I do feel happy the majority of the time - but that doesn't mean I'm happy with where I am in my life at the moment. It just means I'm happy with who I am.
Over the past few years I've become this person I never believed I would be. Stronger. More independant. Happier. More at peace. More understanding. Not as reactive.
If you knew me 5 years ago - even 2 years ago - you would see a completely different person in me. I have come a long way. I've been working on myself, slowly reprogramming my mind and who I am from who I used to be into who I am still becoming. I'm not perfect but I'm much better than who I was.

My children are my entire life.

I haven't been writing much lately and to tell the truth I've sort of been at a loss for words. Since having my Facetime visit with Bennett I've slowly but surely have dropped off the internal mental talk within myself. Basically all that means is that my head has fallen silent. I just don't really know what to think or feel anymore.
Visits seem to be difficult for me and I have noticed that I do put them off and try to ignore the fact that I can ask for them and receive them. I don't know how others do it - real visits that is. It kills me inside. At least that's how it feels. It's like my wound being ripped open all over again. Reliving everything I'm attempting to heal from. Pictures seem to be enough for me, just enough for me to feel he's safe and okay. Enough for me to continue with my life each month. Although, if I didn't get the pictures monthly I'm sure I'd feel worse off than I am now. They hold me over and make all of this semi "okay". I can't undo the past and I can't go back in time, I can't change anything.
Getting a visit opens up parts of me that hurt - they put me sort of into a shock, where I just don't know anything anymore. I want to feel happy and continue living but the visits are a slap with reality and then guilt and shame sets in and I wonder if I should really be happy at all. But then I remember that I can't stop living. I have to keep getting up everyday and moving forward - it's all I can do. I love Bennett but I can't live my entire life in the past and in losing him.
I worry about what he will feel, if he'll be angry with me, misunderstand, hate me, or not even care at all. But I guess that is something that I will have to deal with when it arises in the future. I have to keep living right now. Even if he would rather me not - I have to. And not just for me, but for Lailah and this new baby, for my boyfriend, and last for me. Not that they are more important but because they aren't less important either.

Outside of my adoption thoughts - I am scared of this baby coming. I have so many fears. What if I don't bond or what if I get obsessively bonded. What if I get stressed out and can't handle a baby? What if I sink back into a deep depression again? What if I can't be what the baby needs? What if my dreams and flashbacks of Bennett make me feel exactly how I did when I had him? I don't know what to do with a baby. I feel so much fear. Today I am 28w6d. So tomorrow I will be 29 weeks. 8-11 weeks left. Time has flown by. Everyone tells me I have time - truth is - I don't. Not in the way my personal self experiences time that is. I feel like before I know it the baby will be here and I won't feel ready, I'll be freaking out, and possibly have a mental breakdown.

As for Lailah - she's doing well. She seems to like school but at the same time, she doesn't want to go. Her excuses are that - if other kids (many in the class) misbehave then the teacher will "turn recess around" which means, tell them that they no longer can go out for recess if they continue misbehaving. They can earn it back though. Her next reason is that she dislikes library - which confuses me because she loves when I read to her, she even asked for books for Christmas. She's a good girl. She has an attitude but what 5 yr old doesn't? I think she's either jealous or nervous about the baby coming and she really doesn't know what to expect. She refuses to talk to me about any of it. When I ask how she feels she just tells me she doesn't know. I hope she'll adjust well. I know it's probably a lot on her with having just started school, a new sibling on its way, and her already had confusion about Bennett not being with us but being her brother.

Not much else - my children are my entire life. Uhm, Justin - he's amazing and I don't know what I'd be doing without him. I'm happy I have him and I'm happy with our relationship.
Well, that's all - until next time.