Okay.... *sigh*
I haven't been around in a while.. so here goes.
I went to my 30 week baby appt on Tuesday. Can you believe I'm 30 weeks already?! I can't!! Baby's heartbeats are in 130's and sounding good. I was checked for dilation and I am not dilated ! Yay ! That's good news, because I don't want to go into preterm labor. Doctor said my last u/s looked great and baby is measuring great.
Little Penguin squirms a lot lol. Not too many kicks anymore but lots of rolling and hiccups. Sometime the force of a jut makes me jump - it's really not too comfortable lol.
It's crazy that I have a living being inside of me that will be here in just a couple months.
About 7-10 weeks left to go !
I am crazy scared about this baby coming. I keep having dreams that I forget I even have a baby, I forget to feed it, change it, care for it at all. I keep dreaming that I forget his/her name and I rename her - only to forget again. Lately in my dreams Lil Penguin has been a girl. A beautiful little baby girl with curly brown hair and big green eyes. Just like her daddy. But who knows ! Maybe baby is a boy - I just see boys from the back in hats. I just want to be a great mom to this baby. I want to be able to be there for him/her and love him/her as a mommy should. Not that I believe I won't... I'm just nervous I guess.
Last night I also had a dream that I was talking to people at the Dunkin Donuts drive through window about Lailah and a stranger said, "Treasure her, raise her right." And I went on a rave about how much she means to me, how she's my little girl and she's saved me. That she's bright, smart, beautiful, compassionate - all those great mommy love thoughts LOL. Then there were all these - what appeared to be moons in the sky - which began shooting across the sky. People were coming outdoors from inside curious about them, until they started raining down on us. There were big pumpkin sized (about maybe a 3-6lb pumpkin) white balls, flying out of the sky at us. I sheltered my body over Lailah and ran for the closest door I could find. Didn't make it to the door before waking up with a racing heart and panic though. Maybe it has something to do with a new baby coming and having Lailah be the big sister and not my little baby anymore, idk.
I've been trying not to think too much about Bennett and the adoption stuff - it makes me feel pretty depressed. I talked to some friends about him and the adoption the other night and I let out a good cry. I felt hurt that the people I thought could help me the most didn't care to be there for me or listen to me. Let's me know who my true friends are I guess. Tom talked to me, my aunt Cindy really helped, and Tiffany. I don't know if these people will always be around in my life but I'm grateful that I have them now, while I do. So... I'm just going to avoid talking about this anymore for today.
I've started getting some of Lailah's Christmas gifts. Got her a big dollhouse, some dolls to go with it, hair chalk, and a baby doll play set. I really hope she enjoys Christmas.
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