My children are my entire life.

I haven't been writing much lately and to tell the truth I've sort of been at a loss for words. Since having my Facetime visit with Bennett I've slowly but surely have dropped off the internal mental talk within myself. Basically all that means is that my head has fallen silent. I just don't really know what to think or feel anymore.
Visits seem to be difficult for me and I have noticed that I do put them off and try to ignore the fact that I can ask for them and receive them. I don't know how others do it - real visits that is. It kills me inside. At least that's how it feels. It's like my wound being ripped open all over again. Reliving everything I'm attempting to heal from. Pictures seem to be enough for me, just enough for me to feel he's safe and okay. Enough for me to continue with my life each month. Although, if I didn't get the pictures monthly I'm sure I'd feel worse off than I am now. They hold me over and make all of this semi "okay". I can't undo the past and I can't go back in time, I can't change anything.
Getting a visit opens up parts of me that hurt - they put me sort of into a shock, where I just don't know anything anymore. I want to feel happy and continue living but the visits are a slap with reality and then guilt and shame sets in and I wonder if I should really be happy at all. But then I remember that I can't stop living. I have to keep getting up everyday and moving forward - it's all I can do. I love Bennett but I can't live my entire life in the past and in losing him.
I worry about what he will feel, if he'll be angry with me, misunderstand, hate me, or not even care at all. But I guess that is something that I will have to deal with when it arises in the future. I have to keep living right now. Even if he would rather me not - I have to. And not just for me, but for Lailah and this new baby, for my boyfriend, and last for me. Not that they are more important but because they aren't less important either.

Outside of my adoption thoughts - I am scared of this baby coming. I have so many fears. What if I don't bond or what if I get obsessively bonded. What if I get stressed out and can't handle a baby? What if I sink back into a deep depression again? What if I can't be what the baby needs? What if my dreams and flashbacks of Bennett make me feel exactly how I did when I had him? I don't know what to do with a baby. I feel so much fear. Today I am 28w6d. So tomorrow I will be 29 weeks. 8-11 weeks left. Time has flown by. Everyone tells me I have time - truth is - I don't. Not in the way my personal self experiences time that is. I feel like before I know it the baby will be here and I won't feel ready, I'll be freaking out, and possibly have a mental breakdown.

As for Lailah - she's doing well. She seems to like school but at the same time, she doesn't want to go. Her excuses are that - if other kids (many in the class) misbehave then the teacher will "turn recess around" which means, tell them that they no longer can go out for recess if they continue misbehaving. They can earn it back though. Her next reason is that she dislikes library - which confuses me because she loves when I read to her, she even asked for books for Christmas. She's a good girl. She has an attitude but what 5 yr old doesn't? I think she's either jealous or nervous about the baby coming and she really doesn't know what to expect. She refuses to talk to me about any of it. When I ask how she feels she just tells me she doesn't know. I hope she'll adjust well. I know it's probably a lot on her with having just started school, a new sibling on its way, and her already had confusion about Bennett not being with us but being her brother.

Not much else - my children are my entire life. Uhm, Justin - he's amazing and I don't know what I'd be doing without him. I'm happy I have him and I'm happy with our relationship.
Well, that's all - until next time.