Well - yesterday I started getting a bad pain right under my ribs, above my belly button by an inch or so - from the center to the right. A sharp dull pain. I ignored it at first but it's apparently only gotten worse. It hurts so bad ! I believe it's RLP, baby is moving, heartbeat was good at my progesterone shot appt today, so no big concerns. But geeze ! Really?! So much pain. :( Baby also seems to be lodged up in there - right where it's hurting, nice and tight. Fun, fun.
I have only 4 more shots left of progesterone ! Yikes ! This can't be happening. I can not be having another baby. How am I having another baby? What if I don't know how? What if the baby screams all the time and I can't handle it? What if I feel that my own baby hates me? :( I am full of worries and fears. I want to bond with my baby, love my baby, cuddle my baby ! I want to breastfeed and babywear and bond. I just really want to bond. I guess I'm afraid of not bonding. :/
Onto the next child - Lailah came out of school crying today. She told me a little boy named Marshall bent her fingers back and cracked them hard while she was standing in line waiting to exit the school. :( I kissed them better and I talked to her about what had happened. Apparently this little boy is nothing but mean to her. I told her 1. Avoid him. 2. If he keeps going near her to tell him, "stay away from me" and "don't touch me". 3. To tell the teacher that he is harmful to her and that she does not want to be near him. and last resort 4. If he hurts her again, to hurt him back and yell, "I said ! Don't touch me!" If it continues during the next week or two I will be talking to the teacher about it and then the principal if I need to. Otherwise, she's doing well. A bit crabby but hey! She's 5 and adjusting to a new life that was set in front of her, can't say I blame her.
Next child.... Bennett. Today I texted Liz and asked for some pictures as I normally do around the 15th of the month. She said she had sent me some already 10 mins prior. I didn't get any texts. She said, "Hmm, well I'll resend them." I don't really know why but I felt lied to and I felt like crying. I felt hurt. I don't trust that she really did try to send me pictures. It doesn't make sense either - we both have Iphones so it would have said "sent" and "read" if I had read them - or gotten them. So, I'm just not buying it. But she did end up sending me some pictures.
So cute !
Happy !
He looks excited :) Looking JUST like Lailah here.
Then Liz and I had a little heart to heart...
I said, "It's amazing being able to watch them grow! Thank you for allowing me glimpses into your lives. It means a lot to me to also be able to watch him grow."
She responded,
"You are an important part of our family and I am so happy to have you share in the joy that you made possible for us! <3"
I then responded,
"I'm happy you view me that way. :) Lailah's been talking about Bennett lately. She says she loves him and misses him and is happy he's happy. She also says he's so cute! really hope our bond and relationship continues to grow over the years. <3 you all mean a lot to me. Not a day passes where I'm not thinking of Bennett and you guys."
She responded,
"You mean a lot to us. Bennett is too important and loved so much for us not to be anything but close. It's important that he knows you and the amazing person you are. We are in this together! You're stuck with me for life - lol! ;)"
I then said back,
"I'm really happy to hear that. <3 I can't imagine not knowing what's going on with Bennett and as much as I know he's loved by you so much and very well cared for, it just scared me not to know. It's difficult for other people to understand how I feel about Bennett and I can't say I blame them. I know Bennett is where he's meant to be and I trust you and Nate, but in my heart and soul I can't help but to love Bennett no matter how far away he is. <3 I hope that my love for him just strengthens our relationship and that you are okay with it."
She answered,
"It's a good thing for you to love him. He's special! We have a pretty unique situation. think most people don't understand what it's like to be in our kind of relationship because they have never experienced it before. I think what we have is awesome and honesty I wouldn't trade or change my life/situation for anything! I love Bennett. I am blessed to know you! You, in many ways have made me a better person. You had enough faith in me/us to give us Bennett to raise. Thank you! You will always be apart of our lives!"
I then cut the convo by saying,
"<3 thank you for loving him how you do and for accepting me. I hope you give him kisses for me in the morning and let him know he's very very loved. <3 I'm off to bed. Im glad we got to have this talk. Sweet dreams. :)"
I don't know where adoption will lead me but I hope everyday that it won't be darkness.
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