I refuse to feel ashamed.

I'm going through something. Not sure what exactly yet.
I've uninstalled the fb app and messenger from my phone an I'm trying not to go on fb at all really. I've gone on a couple times but only for 5 mins tops and got off. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. Facebook is a pretty bad addiction of mine.
I've been trying to keep my mind and hands busy, I've been playing with silly putty.
I've also been trying to spend more time with the kids and keep calmer with them. I'm doing pretty well with that too..
But idk. I'm doing well, but I'm high.
I've started smoking bud again and more often than I ever had in the past. So, is it really me? I like to believe it is. I like myself. I like who I am. I feel like I'm the person I intend to be, bud makes that easier for me.
Is that so wrong?
I've also downloaded a public diary app and I really like it. I have been able to talk to others and help them feel better about their lives. I feel like I'm making a difference in some small ways. I enjoy it.

Tom and I have become closer than we've ever been before. I am so nervous but so excited too. I really "like" him. I LOVE his personality, who he is, how he thinks, he can make me laugh so hard, and he always "gets" me and if he doesn't he does his best to understand me. But we've entered something new. We haven't labeled it because he's weird about labels but we're "seeing each other" in a way. We've been talking every day through text, We've skyped a couple times too. I've sent him photos of my body and small video clips that definitely excited him. :p I've really missed him. I feel like I was missing him for years now, I feel like we were always arguing and getting into fights and now I feel close to him again. I feel happy with that.

Justin and I are doing really well too. He's such an incredible husband and man. I'm so happy that he's in my life and that we've decided to live our lives alongside each other and raise our littles together. I'm really happy with that too.

I feel so happy with life right now. Not really "content" yet, because I am not exactly where I want to be yet, but definitely happy. lol Maybe it's the weed... but I like to think that I am still me even when I smoke some bud. A happy, better version of me. And I'm ok with that.

Feeling emotional due to the adoption

I'm feeling so emotional. I haven't heard from Liz since Oct 1st. I didn't even know what Bennett was for Halloween! Today I messaged a woman that I met in an adoption group, that knows Liz and is friends with her on fb. She sent me a photo of Bennett in his costume. He was Curious George. And now I feel like crying.
I texted Liz last Sunday but no response at all.
I worry about if they're ok or not - if Bennett is healthy and safe or not. :(
It hurts.
I hate how this effects me. I wish I could just not feel any of this. It's been almost 6 fucking years, why can't I just feel better already?
I just wish he knew me and that we could see each other. I wish he could know that he's adopted and that I love him. But idk if he will for a very long time. :(

Life changes suddenly

I've totally forgot to mention that I have reopened contact with my mom. It's not something I truly have wanted to do yet I feel I have to. We are struggling pretty badly financially and my mom throws money around like it's her job. So, I knew that if I reopened contact that she would be very financially supportive - which we need. So far... things are going ok. I'm keeping my distance, we don't go stay over at her house much at all - only to do laundry, and I will continue keeping this distance because I feel it's important for things to remain somewhat healthy.
I've also reopened contact with my sister.... It's interesting and weird because we're both actual adults now and haven't been close in many many many years. I wouldn't say we are close but she's been talking to me more than we have ever talked in a really long time...

I shouldn't be giving more chances at all. I know I shouldn't. But I do need their help.

I've also went back to smoking bud again, I've come off all my medications - even my birth control, and I'm going to try to get back on top of caring for myself. I let myself go for a long time.

Today, our heat got turned back on. Tom actually paid for some oil for us so that we could have heat. Thanks to that oil I was able to actually clean my house today!

I've been feeling a ton of stress and emotions lately. Between Justin losing his job, struggling financially, court due to his stupid arrest, my feelings between both Justin and Tom, not having heat before today, my mom and moe, I also got into a bit of a fight with my dad *read below*, and how I feel with all the adoption trauma coming up recently... I'm spread thinly.

My dad and I got into an argument over the phone because he was asking to watch the kids overnight and I told him I didn't feel comfortable with that. He was like, I know how to care for kids! And I was all like, except that you feel crying should be punished and you believe in physical punishment. He was like, I won't hurt your kids! I won't touch them! And I was like, you have a low stress level/tolerance level. And he was like, "I never hurt you!" I was like, "really? .... REALLY? Are you fucking kidding me?" So then I hung up and we didn't talk for a couple of weeks. We still aren't back to the place we were at where we were talking often weekly... so, yeah.... I can't BELIEVE he tried claiming that he never hurt me. Talk about trying to gaslight me.

An arrest warrant?

In other news,
Justin got arrested last Weds. He got pulled over for having a headlight out and then the police claimed he had a warrant out for his arrest. The warrant was supposedly for missing a court date due to the last time that he had gotten pulled over way back in March or so. Back in March, he got pulled over for a simple traffic violation (he supposedly drove too close to the curb while turning). And at that time the officer asked for his license but he was still waiting on the hard copy to come in the mail and his paper copy had somehow gotten lost or ruined so he didn't have it on him. The officer looked him up in the system and told him he was not in the system and that he was writing him up for driving without a license.
Fast forward back to last Thursday when we went to court (I met him there), they forgot he was even there. When everyone else - even the arrests, were seen around 11am and they didn't bring him up to release him, until almost 2pm! They then claimed he was driving on an invalid/suspended license and that he would need to go back to court this upcoming Thursday (tomorrow).
So Justin went to the DMV last week and got paperwork that proves his license is valid and active. So, I guess we just have to go to court tomorrow and see what is going on..

I'm feeling so stressed out all the time. Gah.
Oh and we also had no heat on in the house, couldn't afford it, and Tom messaged me and told me he would buy it for us and did. Just now, the furnace isn't working. njgkrjkrk gah!

Digging a deeper hole.

So last week I was feeling very ungrounded and very stressed out. So, I impulsively drove to PA last Tuesday to hang out with Tom for a couple days. It was soooo nice to just chill and not have responsibilities.
Justin got laid off a couple weeks ago from work, so he stayed home and watched the kids.
Tom and I hung out, smoked together, and we had a blast. I remember laughing and smiling so much and saying, "I feel so happy right now." Life felt incredible. I felt so much peace as I was with him.

I was soooo nervous because I really "like him, like him", honestly, I know I love him. But he has so many of the same traits that I do - just weird unconscious behaviors that make us both seem or appear "weird" to society. My whole life I strayed away from people that had "quirks" because I knew that they could get you noticed and/or bullied. But with Tom, I felt I had to fight through it all because I really love who he is as a person, as a brain, and a soul. Nothing on the outside mattered to me. What does it matter what people think of him or me, or us? Why care about what they think or feel? He's such an incredible human being.
Well after a while of just hanging out and chilling he started lightly rubbing my feet which then turned into him rubbing my calves. And I don't even know lol it advanced from there! I somehow ended up straddling him as he laid down. It's all a blur. Haha. There was a lot of kissing on the necks, biting, my shirt coming off, him sucking on my breasts and fondling them, lots of heavy breathing as I ground myself on him, dry humping him. The first time he seemed to cum in his pants really quick lol. But then we did this several times and I got off (came) every time. I felt so present and content with him.
It did advance a bit further as one of the times... idk around the 5th time or so he went down on me and then I pulled him up and he fingered me. I forgot how amazing it felt to be fingered and he's been the VERY first and actually, only other man to, finger me just like Scott used to - which is the best most pleasurable way. I've tried showing/teaching other partners in my past but it never worked out so I figured only Scott could do it... and I just let it go. But Tom can too. Only thing that sucks afterward is feeling like I have to pee really bad for a few hours lol. But in the moment it feels really really good lol.

I live a Soap Opera life. Good grief.

Way too much has been going on... it's quite insane.
SO... as ALWAYS I ran back to Tom. And I realized why I always have and why I always do. I love him.
He has been there for me SO many times when nobody else was. In Jan when I woke up in the hospital from my suicide attempt, who was there? Tom was. Not my husband, not my parents, not anyone else - it was Tom. When I was pregnant after being raped who was there? Tom. When I was a disaster in the past every single time, who was there? Tom. Who gave me perspective when I felt crazy? Tom did. Who told me I was intelligent, beautiful, and worth something at all times? Who constantly tells me that in his opinion I should feel pride in myself? Tom. He's always, always been more than I could ever imagine and not having him close to me hurts. I feel so empty in a way without constant contact with him. I feel sad that he is so far away and I take desperate measures in attempt to lead him here to be with me. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
What did I do with all this realization? I opened a can of fucking worms. 
How? What did I do?
I told Tom that I've always had feelings for him and that I couldn't just get over them and that they were driving my fruitless attempts to drive him here to be with me. I remembered a time a few months back where he asked me if I still had feelings for him and I blatantly lied to him and said no. And then I tucked it back in and went on with our friendship. Tom then asked if I was serious and if it was a road I really wanted to travel down. He was nervous about what Justin would think and feel. Of course, so was I.
The next day I talked to Justin in about everything. I told him everything I was thinking and I was feeling and we discussed a possibility of me becoming Polyamorous with both him and Tom. He has said he wishes to remain monogamous with me, though. Basically, he would remain my husband but I would be free to enter into a relationship with Tom as well.
Over the past couple weeks since all of this has happened Tom and I have had some.... intimate/sexual conversations over messenger, some photos and videos of myself have been sent to him, as well as me getting wasted for my birthday then video chatting him naked... resulting in me teasing and him pleasuring himself to me.
The day before yesterday I sort of called him out on his emotional walls, his protective coping mechanisms that tell him that he's not human and that he's not afraid of losing anyone and that others can not hurt him. It was long winded and I basically told him I know that he's human, has emotions, and loves me, but that he is scared out of his mind to let his guard down - but that I completely understood why he was. He didn't really respond back to it at all, suggested he would think about it, but then today he smoked some bud then I think he drank before passing out. But we did talk and I was able to vent to him about my day which happened to be extremely stressful on me. And again - HE was there. It always feels so good to talk to him. I just really wish he was actually physically present in my life. I miss him and it hurts.