Way too much has been going on... it's quite insane.
SO... as ALWAYS I ran back to Tom. And I realized why I always have and why I always do. I love him.
He has been there for me SO many times when nobody else was. In Jan when I woke up in the hospital from my suicide attempt, who was there? Tom was. Not my husband, not my parents, not anyone else - it was Tom. When I was pregnant after being raped who was there? Tom. When I was a disaster in the past every single time, who was there? Tom. Who gave me perspective when I felt crazy? Tom did. Who told me I was intelligent, beautiful, and worth something at all times? Who constantly tells me that in his opinion I should feel pride in myself? Tom. He's always, always been more than I could ever imagine and not having him close to me hurts. I feel so empty in a way without constant contact with him. I feel sad that he is so far away and I take desperate measures in attempt to lead him here to be with me. I can't imagine my life without him in it.
What did I do with all this realization? I opened a can of fucking worms.
How? What did I do?
I told Tom that I've always had feelings for him and that I couldn't just get over them and that they were driving my fruitless attempts to drive him here to be with me. I remembered a time a few months back where he asked me if I still had feelings for him and I blatantly lied to him and said no. And then I tucked it back in and went on with our friendship. Tom then asked if I was serious and if it was a road I really wanted to travel down. He was nervous about what Justin would think and feel. Of course, so was I.
The next day I talked to Justin in about everything. I told him everything I was thinking and I was feeling and we discussed a possibility of me becoming Polyamorous with both him and Tom. He has said he wishes to remain monogamous with me, though. Basically, he would remain my husband but I would be free to enter into a relationship with Tom as well.
Over the past couple weeks since all of this has happened Tom and I have had some.... intimate/sexual conversations over messenger, some photos and videos of myself have been sent to him, as well as me getting wasted for my birthday then video chatting him naked... resulting in me teasing and him pleasuring himself to me.
The day before yesterday I sort of called him out on his emotional walls, his protective coping mechanisms that tell him that he's not human and that he's not afraid of losing anyone and that others can not hurt him. It was long winded and I basically told him I know that he's human, has emotions, and loves me, but that he is scared out of his mind to let his guard down - but that I completely understood why he was. He didn't really respond back to it at all, suggested he would think about it, but then today he smoked some bud then I think he drank before passing out. But we did talk and I was able to vent to him about my day which happened to be extremely stressful on me. And again - HE was there. It always feels so good to talk to him. I just really wish he was actually physically present in my life. I miss him and it hurts.
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