I refuse to feel ashamed.

I'm going through something. Not sure what exactly yet.
I've uninstalled the fb app and messenger from my phone an I'm trying not to go on fb at all really. I've gone on a couple times but only for 5 mins tops and got off. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. Facebook is a pretty bad addiction of mine.
I've been trying to keep my mind and hands busy, I've been playing with silly putty.
I've also been trying to spend more time with the kids and keep calmer with them. I'm doing pretty well with that too..
But idk. I'm doing well, but I'm high.
I've started smoking bud again and more often than I ever had in the past. So, is it really me? I like to believe it is. I like myself. I like who I am. I feel like I'm the person I intend to be, bud makes that easier for me.
Is that so wrong?
I've also downloaded a public diary app and I really like it. I have been able to talk to others and help them feel better about their lives. I feel like I'm making a difference in some small ways. I enjoy it.

Tom and I have become closer than we've ever been before. I am so nervous but so excited too. I really "like" him. I LOVE his personality, who he is, how he thinks, he can make me laugh so hard, and he always "gets" me and if he doesn't he does his best to understand me. But we've entered something new. We haven't labeled it because he's weird about labels but we're "seeing each other" in a way. We've been talking every day through text, We've skyped a couple times too. I've sent him photos of my body and small video clips that definitely excited him. :p I've really missed him. I feel like I was missing him for years now, I feel like we were always arguing and getting into fights and now I feel close to him again. I feel happy with that.

Justin and I are doing really well too. He's such an incredible husband and man. I'm so happy that he's in my life and that we've decided to live our lives alongside each other and raise our littles together. I'm really happy with that too.

I feel so happy with life right now. Not really "content" yet, because I am not exactly where I want to be yet, but definitely happy. lol Maybe it's the weed... but I like to think that I am still me even when I smoke some bud. A happy, better version of me. And I'm ok with that.