I'm progressing

I've had a tough past few days. Sunday was a
blast - I went to Purgatory with April, my friend Jordan, and Justin. We had a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself. I hope to go back again soon with them all, maybe even Kevin next time.
But then on Tuesday I ended up having Liz call me and I told her everything that led up to the adoption. I might have fucked up with that, but I can't go back and change it. I was feeling pretty unstable and I didn't have anyone earlier in the day to help me reflect on my thoughts or emotions and then I just reacted... I texted Liz. Then I talked to Mandi, my cousin, and she helped me sort out what to talk about a bit. I also got some crying out.
Then The last 3 days after that I've felt so unstable emotionally. I am all over the place. It feels like it's so hard to control emotion, they feel so strong and overwhelming.
But I'm proud of myself because I haven't self harmed yet, I've called the suicide hotline number when I felt I needed it, I haven't harmed my kids or my husband or the puppies, I haven't been damaging, I haven't thrown things or slammed anything, and I've come a really long way from the place I used to let myself get to when emotion felt too overwhelming and strong.
I'm progressing. Not at the speed others want of me, or expect of me, but progressing none the less.
I'm doing a badass job.

Overwhelmed with my internal state.

I am feeling overwhelmed.
Not with life, but internally - mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

I miss Tom, I miss having a friend always there for me to talk to, every single day.
I don't have many friends otherwise. I don't know how people function alone, in their head all the time, without friends.
I have Tiffany - who is often busy with her own life and lives far away, Rebecca who is often there but has a lot of her own difficult life that she is processing and dealing with, Jordan who also has the same - a lot of stuff in her life, and then a couple other friends who well, the same thing.. I feel like I am a burden to them if I try to talk to them all the time.

I'm trying to learn how to handle life on my own. I'm trying to beat my depression and not let it hold me back or down.
I've been scheduling my time and keeping motivated - for the most part. Even when I can't complete all my goals, I get some things done.

I've been cleaning and keeping up on cleaning my home. I want to put together a daily schedule and a chore chart for the kids and our homelife as well.

Tomorrow I really need to go to the walk in clinic to see if I can get a med refill and a referral to a psychiatrists office, drop off copies of the kids bc to the social security office, fill out paperwork, and also mail the homeschooling paperwork to the school department. I could walk to the school department but I feel too much anxiety about it so I think I'll probably just mail it.  We will see.

I also sent a long text to Liz... basically telling her I want to open up to her.. I want to discuss everything that led up to the adoption and why it all happened the way it had. Idk if I'll get a text back.. but if not, it's okay. I understand that it's a fragile situation and that she may not be in a place mentally or emotionally to handle a closer more intimate friendship with me like that.

Feeling really good, actually. *gasp*

I've been feeling really great the past week or so.
I attended the Butler hospital outpatient program.
And then my cousin April moved in with me.
Things are good.
I smoke a good amount of weed each night before bed... like 3-4 bowls of indica, at least.
I've deleted the FB app and haven't gone on on my phone.
I've only been using messenger and Instagram.
All the positive, spiritual, awakened people are on Instagram.
I use a FB app called Memories to store my photos rather than using FB photo albums, so that I can continue to store my photos.
I am taking control of my own life.

I have been getting up, cleaning my house, taking care of my kids, working on my parenting, going to Lailah's softball games, calling therapists and psychiatrists to get in to see, and sorting other responsibilities out. I will soon create a chore chart and daily schedule for our family to follow that might help make things more functional and assist in delegating responsibilities.

I've started watching videos about Tesla, who I think is super incredible and I wish I was born into a future generation so that I could have picked his mind and gotten to know him. He is a very fascinating individual.

Last Sunday I got really really upset at my daughters fathers family - yet again. And I have decided that the line is drawn. I do not want them around my daughter anymore, ever again. They are unhealthy, toxic, abusive, and they're leaving these damaged marks all over my daughters soul/inner most self. I fear her struggling to recover from her childhood with them if I don't step in and make the decision to eliminate them from her life. I told Scott that I will let him see his daughter outside of his parents house, that he can see her at the park, zoo, our house, etc. But that I do not want her around his family whatsoever. I also told him that if he got his own place, I would let her sleep over again and spend more time with him, as long as he did not ever take her around his parents and siblings.
They all have very old school thinking and the belief that children are property who they can control, manipulate, and take out their negative energy on. I find that thinking limiting and toxic. Dangerous even. Definitely not healthy.

I found a therapist too, who I actually liked, I think he may be understanding, intelligent, conscious, aware, compassionate, empathetic, and pretty much everything that could make up a good therapist. Problem is is that he primarily sees court mandated court offenders - in other words, rapists. I don't think that is going to prevent me or stop me from exploring if he's a good therapist fit for me or not though. I think I will ask him why he chose to work with those kind of individuals and then go from there. I had an appointment with him on Tuesday and I will be seeing him again Tomorrow - Friday. We will see.

idk, mostly life is good - as long as I smoke a good amount of weed, face and process my emotions, cry if I feel it's necessary, and to always always force myself to have perspective.

I'm not sure what's going on right now

I don't really know what is going on in my life.
I attended butler partial program again for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I apparently scored high for OCD as well.
My cousin, April, moved in recently - like 3 days ago, too. Not sure how that will go yet. So far it's up in the air... both of us have a lot of adjusting to do.
I've been smoking a ton of bud at night to deal with the days.
Good news is though, that I haven't yelled in 4 days.

I've been working really hard on my own self control, on my parenting, I've deleted FB, and only scroll Instagram (so much more positivity!), and I'm trying to claim my life back.
I even cleaned my house, organized, got rid of toys, went through the winter stuff and swapped it for the summer stuff - for the past 3 days!
I feel proud of myself but under that I still feel quite sad sometimes.

I am not sure why I still feel so sad, I'm sure it's related to grief or something, because otherwise I am quite alright. I am doing ok...
Maybe that fact that we don't have much money is also weighing me down emotionally.

I applied for disability and I was supposed to have a phone interview tomorrow but I missed the calls because I had fallen asleep, I was exhausted. Hopefully Monday I can reschedule and it won't look too badly on me. Then again, I do have anxiety and such and typically avoid the phone like the plague.

Idk, I'm doing the best I can to get through this and just keep moving forward.

Too much loss, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm having a hard time emotionally. I feel sad, hurt, confused, angry, overwhelmed, and like I want to give up on most everything.
Idk what I want anymore in my life. It's all hitting me at once.
I know that I'm just struggling a lot to process all the loss I've been through lately, but I am so scared of ruining my life and doing things that aren't who I aim to be.
In Jan I lost my uncle Jack to cancer, right before that I left my friendship with my friend Rebecka because her bf was being abusive and she refused to leave or do anything about it and it was hurting me (selfish I know, but I just couldn't handle more pain), then someone stole Silas, then I left my friendship/relationship with Tom, and then my uncle Russ just died not too long ago from a heart attack.. and I feel empty, lost, and it all hurts so much. I know I haven't written about it. I notice that I tend to avoid really difficult experiences until I can no longer avoid them. I'm at that point. I should talk even more about it, but I just don't have the energy right now and Noel is crying and tired so I'm gonna make this quick.
Noel is also weaning and we are a week into our new journey of life without breastfeeding.
It's a lot of emotions all at once and I guess I don't really know how to process everything.
I feel lonely and undeserving of friendships and relationships. I feel like I annoy and bother everyone I talk to or that they aren't on my level and can't really understand or appreciate me.
Idk much anymore besides that I want to stop hurting, I wish I had greater friendships, and I want to move forward in my life without so much bogging me down. Lately, everything feels really heavy and I feel like it takes more effort than I have or can muster to function.
I'm doing the best I can and I won't give up.
But it hurts and it is so very very hard.